Just Some Thoughts

So these are just some thoughts I’ve had recently. Right now I feel like my body is twice as big as it was when I started college. I feel like everything about my body has ballooned. I feel so big. But, I don’t feel discouraged. It’s amazing, all through high school I would have been miserably depressed if I had gained so much weight, but I’m growing up, growing out of that. I’m becoming a woman with bigger concerns. It doesn’t bother me that I’m not a stick figure anymore. It doesn’t hurt me to know I’m not skinny. I see thin girls around me and I am able to go on with my day. I see natural women of all sorts of shapes and sizes and it makes me smile to see them. They look beautiful to me, like real women who have embraced their bodies and live with them. Seeing real women makes me confident enough to be who I am, to not worry about my body, to not be stressed about not being the perfect ideal size I was in high school. I am who I am, and I am thankful for all the blessings I have in my life, all the family and friends who support me and lift me up and show me that life is bigger than just me. I don’t want to get bogged down in obsession with my weight again. I’m happier and more confident in myself that I’ve been in a very long time, and I only want to get more active as I get older, so I’m thankful that I have been able to gain weight without getting depressed.

Second, I don’t think my mom is ready to understand why I am vegan. It seems like she thinks I am still locked in my eating disorder and that that is what motivates me to be vegan. I don’t think she knows how strongly I feel for the cause, but I also think it would be difficult to explain my beliefs. I have this feeling that mom would have a hard time accepting that I have a sincere conviction to be vegan instead of an unhealthy disorder as my primary motive. I admit that my eating disorder was what first pushed me to be a vegan – it was very self-centered and simple-minded – but now I truly believe in what it stands for. Not to mention that vegans don’t appreciate anorexic vegans because it gives veganism a bad reputation. People already use the statistic that among vegetarians and vegans there is a higher percentage of eating disorders against it, so it’s better if I’m not super skinny again.

Third, I really don’t understand the stereotypical disgust that teenagers have toward their parents showing affection to each other. Maybe it’s because my parents are divorced, but I would be thrilled to see my parents kissing or showing PDA of some kind. It’s a sign that they love each other, why wouldn’t kids want to be assured of that? When I was a kid, that’s all I ever wanted. I dreamed about it, prayed for it. So I think that kids take it for granted when they get all weirded out because their parents hug and kiss and so on.

That’s all for now. I’ve been home a little more than a week but it feels longer, which is fine by me, I like it when time stretches out when you actually WANT it to. :)