Today was pretty cool. At 5:45PM I went down to the special events center where there was this thing for new students to Abilene going on: lots of local churches and businesses had booths with information and free stuff (lots of food, candy, coupons, flyers, etc). I got a free water bottle from one church, free flip-flops from another, lots of flyers and chick-fil-a coupons too, but the one that really caught my attention was this one church, New Life Temple Church. As I was walking by I said hi to the guy and he said hi and told me a little about the church, gave me a flyer, and asked if I wanted to sign up for the raffle they were having. I said sure, and as I was signing my name I heard him turn to the lady next to him and start speaking Spanish. When I finished my name and phone number, one kid sitting at the table said I won a free 2L bottle of Dr. Pepper and a small bag of candy because I was number whatever to sign up, so that was cool (I gave it to a girl in my dorm because she loves Dr. Pepper. I would have kept it if it was diet though, lol). Then I went back to the guy and said, "Hablas espanol?" and suddenly we started talking in Spanish and he told me that the church has a Spanish service at 9 on Sundays and an English at 11. So he invited me to the Spanish and I told him I'd really like to come. He was also telling me about how God has been working in the church: a man apparently bought a ton of land across the street from the church and just gave it to them, for free. And another guy bought a lot of land behind the church and donated it to them too, so now they have all this land that they can build on and they own it, completely, with no debt or anything. So God clearly has big plans for this church, and I think it would be cool to get plugged in while it's just getting started.
Well then at 6:45 or so I left to take all my stuff back to my room, and at 7 I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, but I answered and it ended up being the guy and he said, "Hello, Kaleigh? Guess what you just won?" I apparently won the raffle too! So I got a free backpack with a bunch of school supplies, like pens and pencils and erasers and spirals and paper and a ruler and a clipboard and a little calculator and rubberbands and glue. It was so cool. I just can't believe how blessed I am, God blesses me in so many ways and I am nowhere near as grateful as I should be. I can't even begin to pretend that my heart fathoms the deep love God pours on me daily. If I could even understand it the tiniest bit I would be moved to tears. I'm so unworthy of everything He does for me, but He does it anyway, and I am so humbled by it. I'll never be able to grasp how much He loves me and how truly blessed I am. It would probably kill me to be able to understand the great distance between his blessings and my unworthiness. But as I was walking back to the center to get the backpack, I just started praying that God would help me to understand just a little better how much He loves me and how blessed I am so that it would break me apart, and so that I could be rebuilt into a person that loves Him wholeheartedly and more than anything else that exists. And I feel like God is calling me to go to this church, everything about me being there seems so . . . I don't know. Just all the winning and talking I did at the booth, it feels like God was trying to get me to notice it, to make sure it got my attention. Hearing the Spanish, winning the Dr. Pepper and then the raffle, hearing the story of the church's new potential, it just feels like God is trying to get a message across to me. So we'll see. I'll visit on Sunday and see what happens after that.
So that's my story for the day. Oh, and Bob from the Bean told me to come in tomorrow and more than likely he'd be ready to hire me (I turned in an application a few days ago, and he was excited at the prospect of hiring me). So that's good news too.
Right now I wish I was asleep, but I'm not tired enough, so I guess I could be reading chapter two in my communication book. I guess I'll do that.
Goodnight all, much love, and God bless!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Major Change
I just finished my jogging class. I did a mile in 9:30, which isn't as good as my time when I was a sophomore, but whatever, it's not bad. I enjoyed it, the feeling of just going and going, and I'm proud of myself for keeping my steady pace the whole time. ^_^ Even in the heat, I survived, lol.
Well, I'm really happy right now, I changed my major this morning to English, so yay! No more Psychology for me. I can't believe how relieved I feel about it right now, I feel like I'm excited about college again. I feel like I can actually enjoy myself now. I felt so much stress and pressure at the thought of the Psychology track I was on, because I'm not a science person and I didn't want to dedicate all of my time here to a subject that I would have hated, like research and testing and that kind of thing, so now I'm thinking of a writing profession, which I've always wanted anyway since I was a baby, and if I combine with a Spanish minor I could do translations as well. Whatever, it's all good, I'm just glad to finally feel like I'm ready for something. I feel like this is a much better fit for me.
P.S. Here's a pic of me sporting my oh-so-glamorous jogging outfit. Clearly college gym suits are no better than high school suits, lol.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sunday Before Classes
Ok, it's the Sunday before my first day of college classes. At this moment I have a few thoughts I want to get out:
I am sick of not knowing why I want to be thin. It doesn't matter how much I think about it, I can't find any reason for me to try to stay thin. Who am I trying to impress? I am making a commitment right now to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have no interest in ever getting involved romantically with anyone. I never want to date, or get married, or have sex, or have kids, so why should I care so much about trying to feel pretty or attractive? If I just eat the way I want, I'll be the way God meant for me to be, and I want to commit to being at peace with that rather than struggling constantly to be something that isn't natural. It isn't natural to want to be so thin, it doesn't glorify God, and it separates me from God because it keeps me focused on that rather than His divine will for my life. So I'm really hoping right now that I can make a true commitment to just doing what I want without worrying about whether it makes me gain weight or not, especially since I'm committing to a life on my own I don't have to worry about staying attractive for a partner. And besides, I shouldn't want to be pretty by the world's standards or definitions anyway, they are ridiculous and artificial, so why should I care? If things I do make me hate myself as a person, if the things on my mind and the actions that follow make me self-absorbed rather than concerned for lost and dying souls, then my mind and heart are not in the right place and I need to change.
But the thing is I'm worried that if I change and heal from this disorder then I won't have something to work for anymore. If I stay disordered, then I have the goal of getting better. If I get better, what next? I don't know, and that scares me. I'm so used to having people worry about me because I'm sick or too thin that if I lose that, I'll feel like I'm not worth caring about anymore. If I'm all ok, then why would anyone need to worry about me or think about me? That's how I feel. It's stupid, but I'm so used to feeling like people are constantly thinking of me because I'm not all right, and I guess I'm clinging to that as well as the misguided desire to be pretty by fashion standards.
But at this moment I feel like I want to just do my own thing, eat how I want, and not care. I thought I might feel differently about romantic relationships when I got to college, but I don't. I still have no desire to get involved that way, so I figure I shouldn't bother trying to be "pretty" anymore. Who else cares anyway? Who does it impress? No one I know, so it gains nothing. I want to be more concerned with helping others, volunteering, sharing the Gospel, finding a satisfying career, and finding God's purpose for me, and I know that anorexia is not part of any divine plan. I need to get over it. Seriously. I'm not planning on changing what I eat because I like the foods I eat, I'm just hoping to choose to eat healthier amounts from now on. So we'll see how well I do.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind right now. I visited my first church here earlier today, University Baptist Church, and I liked it. It felt more familiar and like home, and so I think I'll stick with it. Then after church I went to Walmart with two other girls. They stocked up on junk food. I got a 5lb bag or whole wheat flour, a big tub of oatmeal, a can of salsa, and a bottle of calcium tablets. I ate as much of it as I wanted and didn't feel guilty. I still don't. I hope I continue to feel that way. I'm getting ready to go down to the cafeteria (called The World Famous Bean) which has a fanatastic salad bar, and starting tomorrow is going to have a vegetarian/vegan station for people like me, almost specifically for me. I've been talking a lot with one of the Bean managers and he looks out for me now to keep me updates on all the new and exciting editions he's going to put into the vegan section. He's so excited that I'm here, he's calling me the voice or the representative for all the vegetarians and vegans at ACU that haven't really proclaimed it yet. ^_^ And I want to be able to enjoy all the options available to me, and I can't do that if I'm constantly worrying about eating too much or gaining weight. If I do, I will severely limit myself on the foods I eat, even if I'd really like them. Today when I got back to my dorm from Walmart, I was craving the oatmeal and flour, and that was when I decided I'd rather eat what I'm craving than deprive myself in an effort to stay thin. And right now I'm thinking I want to do that from now on: be able to go to the Bean and take anything I'm craving and eat it without any care about weight. If I want it, I want to eat it. I'm paying for it in my meal plan anyway!!! It's an all-you-care-to-eat meal plan, so once I enter the cafeteria I am free to eat all I can until I walk out, and since I'm paying for it, why waste the money by not eating all I want? That just wouldn't be economical. And I am a BIG economical person, I bargain hunt like no other. I almost never buy anything unless it's on sale or on clearance.
Ok, well I guess I'll go down there now, I have an hour and 15 minutes before the Bean closes at 7, and that's when a friend is going to host the first official "second floor movie night" in her dorm. I think that'll be fun.
Peace, love, and happy eating to all. Chao!
"3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:3-5
I am sick of not knowing why I want to be thin. It doesn't matter how much I think about it, I can't find any reason for me to try to stay thin. Who am I trying to impress? I am making a commitment right now to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have no interest in ever getting involved romantically with anyone. I never want to date, or get married, or have sex, or have kids, so why should I care so much about trying to feel pretty or attractive? If I just eat the way I want, I'll be the way God meant for me to be, and I want to commit to being at peace with that rather than struggling constantly to be something that isn't natural. It isn't natural to want to be so thin, it doesn't glorify God, and it separates me from God because it keeps me focused on that rather than His divine will for my life. So I'm really hoping right now that I can make a true commitment to just doing what I want without worrying about whether it makes me gain weight or not, especially since I'm committing to a life on my own I don't have to worry about staying attractive for a partner. And besides, I shouldn't want to be pretty by the world's standards or definitions anyway, they are ridiculous and artificial, so why should I care? If things I do make me hate myself as a person, if the things on my mind and the actions that follow make me self-absorbed rather than concerned for lost and dying souls, then my mind and heart are not in the right place and I need to change.
But the thing is I'm worried that if I change and heal from this disorder then I won't have something to work for anymore. If I stay disordered, then I have the goal of getting better. If I get better, what next? I don't know, and that scares me. I'm so used to having people worry about me because I'm sick or too thin that if I lose that, I'll feel like I'm not worth caring about anymore. If I'm all ok, then why would anyone need to worry about me or think about me? That's how I feel. It's stupid, but I'm so used to feeling like people are constantly thinking of me because I'm not all right, and I guess I'm clinging to that as well as the misguided desire to be pretty by fashion standards.
But at this moment I feel like I want to just do my own thing, eat how I want, and not care. I thought I might feel differently about romantic relationships when I got to college, but I don't. I still have no desire to get involved that way, so I figure I shouldn't bother trying to be "pretty" anymore. Who else cares anyway? Who does it impress? No one I know, so it gains nothing. I want to be more concerned with helping others, volunteering, sharing the Gospel, finding a satisfying career, and finding God's purpose for me, and I know that anorexia is not part of any divine plan. I need to get over it. Seriously. I'm not planning on changing what I eat because I like the foods I eat, I'm just hoping to choose to eat healthier amounts from now on. So we'll see how well I do.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind right now. I visited my first church here earlier today, University Baptist Church, and I liked it. It felt more familiar and like home, and so I think I'll stick with it. Then after church I went to Walmart with two other girls. They stocked up on junk food. I got a 5lb bag or whole wheat flour, a big tub of oatmeal, a can of salsa, and a bottle of calcium tablets. I ate as much of it as I wanted and didn't feel guilty. I still don't. I hope I continue to feel that way. I'm getting ready to go down to the cafeteria (called The World Famous Bean) which has a fanatastic salad bar, and starting tomorrow is going to have a vegetarian/vegan station for people like me, almost specifically for me. I've been talking a lot with one of the Bean managers and he looks out for me now to keep me updates on all the new and exciting editions he's going to put into the vegan section. He's so excited that I'm here, he's calling me the voice or the representative for all the vegetarians and vegans at ACU that haven't really proclaimed it yet. ^_^ And I want to be able to enjoy all the options available to me, and I can't do that if I'm constantly worrying about eating too much or gaining weight. If I do, I will severely limit myself on the foods I eat, even if I'd really like them. Today when I got back to my dorm from Walmart, I was craving the oatmeal and flour, and that was when I decided I'd rather eat what I'm craving than deprive myself in an effort to stay thin. And right now I'm thinking I want to do that from now on: be able to go to the Bean and take anything I'm craving and eat it without any care about weight. If I want it, I want to eat it. I'm paying for it in my meal plan anyway!!! It's an all-you-care-to-eat meal plan, so once I enter the cafeteria I am free to eat all I can until I walk out, and since I'm paying for it, why waste the money by not eating all I want? That just wouldn't be economical. And I am a BIG economical person, I bargain hunt like no other. I almost never buy anything unless it's on sale or on clearance.
Ok, well I guess I'll go down there now, I have an hour and 15 minutes before the Bean closes at 7, and that's when a friend is going to host the first official "second floor movie night" in her dorm. I think that'll be fun.
Peace, love, and happy eating to all. Chao!
"3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:3-5
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Candelight Devotional
These are pics from the candelight devotional earlier tonight from 9-10:25. They are also in an album on my picasa page:
http://picasaweb.google.com/veggychristian/
http://picasaweb.google.com/veggychristian/
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Dorm Room
Yay! I moved into my new dorm room yesterday! Mom, Elisa, dad, and I are all here in Abilene, and they are going to leave Tuesday. Wow, I'm finally in college, and I love my dorm room. It feels so clean, and no dogs allowed to dirty it up, woohoo!!! ^_^ This is going to be great, WOOHOO!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Goal Oriented
Ok, one thing I don't think I've explained before is this:
I want to stay too thin because the goal is to reach a certain weight, but I'm afraid of reaching that goal because I don't know what I would have to do after that. What would my new goal be? What would I have to strive for or work for? If I reach the goal weight, then my new goal would be to lose the weight again just so I could have the goal of gaining again. So right now I'm in a state of wanting to stay thin so that I will always have the goal of reaching the healthy weight. I don't want to go over that weight. I don't want to lose the goal of reaching a healthy weight because then it feels like I won't have a goal anymore. I know the thing to do is find a new better goal to strive for, so I am hoping that college will give me a purpose, a goal, a flow to go with, something to want in life other than obsession with image and weight. I talked to Joann on the phone today about all this stuff and it really felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. I explained to her this goal thing. I don't want to reach the goal because I don't know what I will want when I do. If I lose a goal, what do I have left? I don't want to get better, because what am I if I am not working for something? I want to stay in a constant state of being super thin and needing to gain weight. I want that to be who I am. Sad. Very very sad.
I want to stay too thin because the goal is to reach a certain weight, but I'm afraid of reaching that goal because I don't know what I would have to do after that. What would my new goal be? What would I have to strive for or work for? If I reach the goal weight, then my new goal would be to lose the weight again just so I could have the goal of gaining again. So right now I'm in a state of wanting to stay thin so that I will always have the goal of reaching the healthy weight. I don't want to go over that weight. I don't want to lose the goal of reaching a healthy weight because then it feels like I won't have a goal anymore. I know the thing to do is find a new better goal to strive for, so I am hoping that college will give me a purpose, a goal, a flow to go with, something to want in life other than obsession with image and weight. I talked to Joann on the phone today about all this stuff and it really felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. I explained to her this goal thing. I don't want to reach the goal because I don't know what I will want when I do. If I lose a goal, what do I have left? I don't want to get better, because what am I if I am not working for something? I want to stay in a constant state of being super thin and needing to gain weight. I want that to be who I am. Sad. Very very sad.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Perfect World
I've decided that in a perfect world, I would be six feet tall, 115lbs, sleek and dark with stunningly bright blue eyes, high cheek bones, hairless on my body, with smooth soft skin, and I would be that way for my whole life no matter what or how I ate, and I would just be in a permanent state of body. I would be ok with aging and getting wrinkles and gray hair and all that, but I would stay tall and thin and lithe. I was thinking about it, and I would love to be in the Groundhog Day situation, where everyday I woke up to repeat the same day forever so that no matter how I ate I would wake up with everything reversed as if it had never happened. Every day I would wake up 80lbs light and free to do whatever I wanted because there would be no consequences, it would all be undone when the day restarted. I would love that, I would be so happy to have that as my reality.
I know neither of those is possible, but if I could live in a place of complete solitude for the rest of my life where no one would ever see me again, then I wouldn't care how I looked. I just feel like I have nothing to live for or to motivate me anymore, and if I don't have something in my life to make me happy and to distract me from the problems I have now like worrying about my appearance then it will be the only thing I think about for the rest of my life. I'm hoping that once school starts I'll be back to focusing on studying, which always helped to fill my mind and time during high school.
I liked talking to Steve yesterday. He's a guy who reminds me a lot of dad who works at Kroger. We've been friends for quite a few months now and I really like him. Anyway, Monday when I was talking to him, I talked to him for the first time about my demons, and how I feel like I have so little to offer and I don't know who I am or what I want. He said the world is better for having me in it, and that if he was 18 and unattached he'd be chasing me around, lol. And that made me feel good. I like connecting with "older" people. Not that he's old at all, but he is older than I am, which makes him relatively "older". I wish I was in that age group. I feel so young, and it feels like young people are "supposed" to be thin and attractive. I don't want to feel like that is the expectation for me. I feel like if I was fifty I would have better priorities than trying to make sure I'm thin and beautiful, I would just want to be healthy and glow with wisdom and maturity and compassion. But since I'm so young I don't have that expectation, I expect myself to be a thin little model who can put guys in a daze with a flip of my hair, or who carries herself with an aura of self-confidence that makes her walking down the street seem to be in slow motion, like all those movies where the guy glances at the main girl and is smitten and everything just kind of slows down while the camera soaks in the girl in all her attractive glory as she glides through her day completely oblivious of the attention and just how stunning she truly is. I always wanted to be the girl who was gorgeous and just didn't know it. Instead I have always been painfully aware of how unattractive I am and tried to not care. I tried to let my personality be the star, be the thing that defined me and made me an attractive person, but I never felt like that was enough. I had too much competition with girls who were not only full of attractive personality but were physically attractive as well. So then I decided if I can't accept myself, no one ever will, and I isolated myself with no expectations that anyone would ever want to be my friend or would ever be attracted to me. And I don't think I will ever believe that someone is attracted to me. I don't feel the capacity in my heart to fall in love. I'd feel too worried that he wasn't honestly in love with me. I'd feel like it was all a lie. I don't feel like I am loveable, or able to love. I want to be alone, but I also want to feel attractive, which is a strange combination. Why should it matter if I am attractive or not if I have no expectations of love? I don't know, but I do know that I wish I was fifty and well past any stage in life where physical attractiveness is anywhere on my radar.
But maybe I should make it my goal to be like a fifty-year-old in nature anyway, to try to focus my attention on mental and spiritual well-being and to only care about physical health rather than looks. I mean, honestly, I KNOW that's what my goal SHOULD be, and I know that would help me stand out, but again, I feel like I've lost a certain spark in my soul for life, for living, for being a person out to enjoy life and make the most of each moment through fellowship and love. I feel so absorbed in things that don't matter, I'm locked in a shell. I'm hoping college will help me come out. But of course I'm always hoping that if I'm lucky I'll get to stay thin too, and I'll get to be pretty in my own eyes. And of course I'll always wish that I was the six-foot, 115lb femme fatal whose individuality carries her through the world like on dazzling wings of gold. I spend so much time thinking of being someone else that I don't think I would ever believe that I was that person even if I did become her. Sadly I know what I want: I want to be permanent, permanently tall and thin, so that I can live a carefree life, not worrying about changing. I don't like change. I don't like the idea that 10 years from now people who know me now will see me and see that I've gained 100lbs and think of me differently. I want to ALWAYS be the thin girl, ALWAYS, and I'm afraid that during my life I'll let myself go and lose that identity, and people will have to change that perception of me. I'll be someone different in their eyes. It's hard going through life day by day not having anything to think about except food and how much I'm willing to let myself eat and how big or little I want to be. That's why I have hated this summer so much, I've had nothing on my mind except my weight, my appearance, and food. I wanted to go straight to college after graduation so I could start school at 80lbs and have schoolwork on my mind to keep me from gaining weight, but mom wouldn't let that happen. I've had to suffer through summer, suffer through weight gain, get used to the feeling of muscle instead of bones, and in the end I still just want to be a girl so thin she might die from it. How sad is that? I want to be so thin that I'm literally a bag of bones in skin, because that is the only time I feel "allowed" to eat. I feel like eating at a healthy weight is an overindulgence. I feel like eating now is an overindulgence. I want to be dangerously thin so that I feel good about eating, so that I feel like I really need it, so that I feel like I seriously might just die if I don't eat. But I don't think I'll ever get that low again. I don't think I have that kind of will power anymore, now that I've gone through this summer binging and eating I'm so used to that now, I don't think I'd be able to starve myself down to a bag of bones again. I just don't think I could force myself through it, no matter how much I'd want to. If I had things my way I would be in the Groundhog Day situation on a day when I weighed 79lbs, that would be my perfect scenario. But that's not going to happen. I know it, I guess I accept it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I'd give anything for it. Pathetic, I know. But right now, it's all I can think of that I want: the freedom to eat everything with no consequences whatsoever, no permanent damage or change, just wake up the next morning with things exactly as they were before.
I'm so sick of this. Oh well, three more days and then I leave for Abilene. I pray I find some purpose there.
I know neither of those is possible, but if I could live in a place of complete solitude for the rest of my life where no one would ever see me again, then I wouldn't care how I looked. I just feel like I have nothing to live for or to motivate me anymore, and if I don't have something in my life to make me happy and to distract me from the problems I have now like worrying about my appearance then it will be the only thing I think about for the rest of my life. I'm hoping that once school starts I'll be back to focusing on studying, which always helped to fill my mind and time during high school.
I liked talking to Steve yesterday. He's a guy who reminds me a lot of dad who works at Kroger. We've been friends for quite a few months now and I really like him. Anyway, Monday when I was talking to him, I talked to him for the first time about my demons, and how I feel like I have so little to offer and I don't know who I am or what I want. He said the world is better for having me in it, and that if he was 18 and unattached he'd be chasing me around, lol. And that made me feel good. I like connecting with "older" people. Not that he's old at all, but he is older than I am, which makes him relatively "older". I wish I was in that age group. I feel so young, and it feels like young people are "supposed" to be thin and attractive. I don't want to feel like that is the expectation for me. I feel like if I was fifty I would have better priorities than trying to make sure I'm thin and beautiful, I would just want to be healthy and glow with wisdom and maturity and compassion. But since I'm so young I don't have that expectation, I expect myself to be a thin little model who can put guys in a daze with a flip of my hair, or who carries herself with an aura of self-confidence that makes her walking down the street seem to be in slow motion, like all those movies where the guy glances at the main girl and is smitten and everything just kind of slows down while the camera soaks in the girl in all her attractive glory as she glides through her day completely oblivious of the attention and just how stunning she truly is. I always wanted to be the girl who was gorgeous and just didn't know it. Instead I have always been painfully aware of how unattractive I am and tried to not care. I tried to let my personality be the star, be the thing that defined me and made me an attractive person, but I never felt like that was enough. I had too much competition with girls who were not only full of attractive personality but were physically attractive as well. So then I decided if I can't accept myself, no one ever will, and I isolated myself with no expectations that anyone would ever want to be my friend or would ever be attracted to me. And I don't think I will ever believe that someone is attracted to me. I don't feel the capacity in my heart to fall in love. I'd feel too worried that he wasn't honestly in love with me. I'd feel like it was all a lie. I don't feel like I am loveable, or able to love. I want to be alone, but I also want to feel attractive, which is a strange combination. Why should it matter if I am attractive or not if I have no expectations of love? I don't know, but I do know that I wish I was fifty and well past any stage in life where physical attractiveness is anywhere on my radar.
But maybe I should make it my goal to be like a fifty-year-old in nature anyway, to try to focus my attention on mental and spiritual well-being and to only care about physical health rather than looks. I mean, honestly, I KNOW that's what my goal SHOULD be, and I know that would help me stand out, but again, I feel like I've lost a certain spark in my soul for life, for living, for being a person out to enjoy life and make the most of each moment through fellowship and love. I feel so absorbed in things that don't matter, I'm locked in a shell. I'm hoping college will help me come out. But of course I'm always hoping that if I'm lucky I'll get to stay thin too, and I'll get to be pretty in my own eyes. And of course I'll always wish that I was the six-foot, 115lb femme fatal whose individuality carries her through the world like on dazzling wings of gold. I spend so much time thinking of being someone else that I don't think I would ever believe that I was that person even if I did become her. Sadly I know what I want: I want to be permanent, permanently tall and thin, so that I can live a carefree life, not worrying about changing. I don't like change. I don't like the idea that 10 years from now people who know me now will see me and see that I've gained 100lbs and think of me differently. I want to ALWAYS be the thin girl, ALWAYS, and I'm afraid that during my life I'll let myself go and lose that identity, and people will have to change that perception of me. I'll be someone different in their eyes. It's hard going through life day by day not having anything to think about except food and how much I'm willing to let myself eat and how big or little I want to be. That's why I have hated this summer so much, I've had nothing on my mind except my weight, my appearance, and food. I wanted to go straight to college after graduation so I could start school at 80lbs and have schoolwork on my mind to keep me from gaining weight, but mom wouldn't let that happen. I've had to suffer through summer, suffer through weight gain, get used to the feeling of muscle instead of bones, and in the end I still just want to be a girl so thin she might die from it. How sad is that? I want to be so thin that I'm literally a bag of bones in skin, because that is the only time I feel "allowed" to eat. I feel like eating at a healthy weight is an overindulgence. I feel like eating now is an overindulgence. I want to be dangerously thin so that I feel good about eating, so that I feel like I really need it, so that I feel like I seriously might just die if I don't eat. But I don't think I'll ever get that low again. I don't think I have that kind of will power anymore, now that I've gone through this summer binging and eating I'm so used to that now, I don't think I'd be able to starve myself down to a bag of bones again. I just don't think I could force myself through it, no matter how much I'd want to. If I had things my way I would be in the Groundhog Day situation on a day when I weighed 79lbs, that would be my perfect scenario. But that's not going to happen. I know it, I guess I accept it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I'd give anything for it. Pathetic, I know. But right now, it's all I can think of that I want: the freedom to eat everything with no consequences whatsoever, no permanent damage or change, just wake up the next morning with things exactly as they were before.
I'm so sick of this. Oh well, three more days and then I leave for Abilene. I pray I find some purpose there.
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