Stress

Monday 12/22 6:54PM

Ok, so we found out a few hours ago that my grandparents are coming in tonight rather than tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my grandparents, but they ALWAYS do this! They say they will be here one day, and then come a day early so that mom is all stressed out trying to make the house clean for them (when it should be clean all the time anyway, but isn’t) and then gets annoyed at me when I try to help. They ALWAYS do this to us! Mom gets all planned to have them later so she feels like she has time to prepare for them, and then they say, “Oh we’ll come in a day early, just because,” and then mom’s like, “Oh crap, let’s clean up NOW!” And so what is my talent? Organizing. I can take a room that looks like a tornado and rearrange it into a neat and tidy office if I so desire. I do it all the time, with everyone! Every house I go into I see as a rearranging party, because I love to make spaces look neat and organized. But mom is the ONLY one who has EVER not liked what I do. My moving stuff around aggravates her, so I can’t do anything to help. She’s the only one who has ever unappreciated my work, but it’s the only thing I’m good at! So no wonder I love college so much. I don’t have to put up with her not being able to put up with me. I can’t stand it when she gets irritated with me, yet here we are, just like it’s always been, me trying to make all her crap look neat and organized and she getting pissed off at me because I try to make her dumb house look presentable and hospitable in a way that I know how. She just has too much STUFF!! That’s the bottom line, and it would be so much better if she would just have the guts in her to get rid of all the junk she doesn’t need, but she holds on to EVERYTHING until every space in the house is buried in piles of junk that she doesn’t even realize are there and it gets dusty and old and passed due and it just drives me crazy! Is it any wonder I only want to come home once a year? Actually, I don’t want to come home. I want to stay in my clean and empty dorm and have them come visit me. I felt disgusted the minute I walked in the house the night I got home. Nothing had changed, except there was more STUFF and more DUST and more DIRT and cats were living in my sister’s bedroom making it dirty, hairy, and stinky and so my sister was living in what had been my room, and there was junk mail all over the kitchen, dog hair in a thin layer (like snow, ironically) over the carpet, and I was just suddenly claustrophobic and wishing I was back in my dorm. I HATE this house, I hate the way my mom lives. I hate her mess. And the second I try to make it more livable, she gets all angry at me for moving her precious JUNK! I mean, I can’t win here! I just want to go back to my room, in my space that I can control and maintain. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I was closer to home so it wasn’t a six hour drive to see mom, but I can’t stand living in the same house with all this dirt, trash, and dogs that my mom insists on keeping. I hate getting her stuff for Christmas because I know she will just keep it for forever and store it somewhere to collect dust. I HATE that! Ugh! I’ve been loving being around Elisa at least. She’s been great, we’ve been getting along so well and having fun, and good conversations. I really like her. But mom, my goodness, she’s seriously lost her mind over these last eight years or so. She’s just…crazy. All this packrat stuff, letting her house go to the dust, not keeping up with mail and papers, buying more junk just because she thinks its pretty and will look good somewhere, I mean, come on! As if the house needed ANYTHING else more getting stuffed in it. It’s too small for the three of us and two dogs (not to mention the three cats that have moved into the garage to make room for my two grandparents coming in soon), there’s no room for a real Christmas tree, we put a small one up on the window seat by the front door. I just, this makes me so sad and depressed to see my mom like this. How did she get like this? Could I have done anything more to keep this from happening? I tried my whole life to help her, to make life easier for her, and I can see that it hasn’t done any good. She still lives in filth and doesn’t care, and isn’t willing to clean up and let go. I just wish I could DO something, but I’m so helpless, and even when I try to help, she gets pissed off at me. No wonder I’m so happy when I’m in college. Seriously. No wonder…

Lucifer's Angel Lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLuBgWRWaYI

Lucifer's Angel lyrics
Behind those eyes lies the truth and grief
Behind those beautiful smiles I've seen tragedy
The flawless skin hides the secrets within
Silent forces that secretly ignite your sins

[Chorus:]
Fly away, fly away
From the torch of blame
They hunt you
The Lucifer's Angels
Never lived, you never died
Your life has been denied
They call you
The Lucifer's Angel

Beyond these clouds you can hide all your tears
Beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears
And in their hearts they fear your demands
You know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand

[Chorus]

On your own I know you can make it
Truth or bone. I know you can shake it
Survive alone I know you can take it

[Chorus]

Fly away, fly away
Run away, run away
Hide away, hide away
Lucifer's Angel[x3]

Just lyrics to a really beautiful song that I found on YouTube with an awesome Bakura tribute video. I keep listening to it over and over right now because I love it. It moves me, I love moving my body to it, but it also got my mind rolling, and I started writing down this dialogue I thought about having with God, and it's inspiring for a novel that I really want to write now. So we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, I had a good day today. I went to the Bean for lunch and I got REALLY excited because they had unsweetened soymilk!!! Usually they have the sweetened vanilla flavor, but I prefer unsweetened, and they had it today!!! YAY! So I had cheerios (the only cereal in the Bean that I can eat) and soymilk. Yum! ^_^

Hanging Out

Tonight was a nice night, beautiful outside and clear and still. I sat outside with Lorie and Sarah on the hood of Sarah's car for a few hours just talking and hanging out. It was nice to just look up and watch the sky get dark and the stars get brighter. It was also nice because Sarah just told me, without any real pre-discussion, "Kaleigh, you're really pretty." And later she said, "You're not just skin-pretty, you're also pretty on the inside." That was encouraging, and Lorie agreed. I think they are both a lot prettier than I am, and I said so, but I guess we all feel that way. Which is so weird, because I really think that Sarah has a beautiful face. I don't understand it when these "gorgeous" girls who look like all the other gorgeous stars out there don't think they're pretty. I feel like I'm "justified" when I say I'm not pretty because I don't look like any of the stars who are considered pretty, but a lot of these other girls, they could be on TV with just their faces alone, but they still will say, "I'm not pretty" or "I hate how I look". And I just think, "You don't have any right to say that, you really ARE pretty, you look just like the people who everyone thinks is pretty, how can you say you're not pretty?!" I, on the other hand, could never be on TV for my face, so I feel like it's fiiting for me to not feel pretty. And it also makes me sort of mad because I feel like these other girls don't appreciate the beauty that they have, and it goes to waste on them, whereas someone like me who knows what it's like to really not be pretty would love to be able to have a face like theirs. I would be so happy to have these girls' faces because then I would feel pretty, and it's weird to think that I would feel pretty with their face but they have it now and don't feel pretty. How can one person feel pretty with the same face that another person feels ugly with? It's the same face! It's weird. But anyway, yeah, I appreciated Sarah saying that to me. I've still sworn off mirrors, until further notice, but that's helped me feel better about myself. The less I know about the details of my appearance, the less I can scrutinize and criticize and despise. I don't know how I look, so I just act how I feel inside, not how I feel about the outside.
Oh yeah, Sunday night I finally talked to these three girls on the second floor that I see all the time but have never actually met officially: Farren, Amber, and Erin. They are so nice, the first two are roommates, Erin is by herself I think. But they are so nice, we talked for hours, and unless they were lying, they like me too. They think I'm funny, lol. ^_^ I hope I get to talk to them more often.
We have no classes on Friday, so that's nice, I think. I would really like to get a lot of work done, or sleep. Either one. Or both. Yeah, both would be good. Of course, ideally I would ALSO love for dad to be able to come visit this weekend. A lot of people are leaving for the "Fall Break" (aka, Three Day Weekend) but I'm not going to bother. And I'm not planning on going home for Thanksgiving either. I don't like the holiday, and it's only five days long anyway. And besides, the semester ends two weeks after that, so what's the point?
Ok, well that's as much as I can report right now. I have a test tomorrow in Biology at 8AM and then a six minute informative speech to give at 1:30 for COMS. Fun. -_- At least my outline is correct, which is worth 30 points, and I got 10 points for going to the speech center beforehand. So I have at least a 40, lol. But I think it will be all right.
Love, Peace, and Sweet Dreams!

War Thoughts

Tomorrow in Bible class we are going to have a discussion on Christianity and ethics of war. We'll be discussing the different approaches and beliefs, etc. But it got me thinking and I just spent the last half hour or so spilling my own personal thoughts about war. Here they are.

In the ideal world, war would not even be a thought, because all people would love each other as Jesus says is the command from Heaven. Love God, and love your neighbor. If everyone in the world loved each other, war would not exist.
That is the starting point. My view is that I do not believe war is ever justifiable because it does not exist in the world of God (war between humans, I do believe in the war between God and the devil, but on earth we are all humans and cannot really be taking part in that war yet). I don’t think violence is a solution to anything, especially killing. I believe that if America withdrew all troops from war, and if everyone, EVERONE in America were to turn to God in prayer asking for safety and protection from other nations, that He would provide it, as a way to show His glory. However, I also don’t think that this is going to happen, because there are too many people in America who do not believe in God, even scorn God, and many more do not believe that a nation in prayer would be more powerful than a nation with weapons.
In any case, I don’t think war makes a difference anyway. I believe that things occur according to God’s plan no matter what humans decide to do. Whether we go to war or not, God will make his plans come to fruition. If one country needs to be dominated, it will happen if the country goes to war or not.
Going to war does nothing to help spread a message of love. If the point of going to war is to spread the message of God, people will see the actions before they hear such message and will see Christians as hypocrites of a vicious degree if they kill first and then talk of love later.
I think that before killing, one should capture and isolate away from the others in their groups who are encouraging them to be violent. If we go to war as a way to get rid of a group who are terrorizing other people, we should first capture them and isolate them so that they can be approached in a one-on-one manner so that someone can share with them the Gospel. If we kill them before teaching them about Jesus, we are condemning them to hell. I think that that puts their life on our hands. I could never let someone die without knowing that I had tried to lead them to Christ before they met God face to face and had to say that they had never put their faith in Christ. If we give a terrorist the chance to choose Christ rather than killing them, I think that shows a faith in love much more than hunting them down in order to wipe them out violently does. And I think God would approve of that over any war. It shows we follow a life of love, and concern for our neighbor, even individuals, and even individuals who are considered dangerous and hateful. We cannot justify killing a person because we hate them or hate what they are doing, or believe that what they are doing is wrong. If that were the case, we could not love anyone, because we all sin, we all do wrong things. No sin is worse than another, we are all on the same level in the eyes of God, so who are we to judge who is worthy of death before anyone else? Everyone deserves the chance to be shows what they are doing wrong, even terrorists. They need the chance to be confronted with the message of Jesus, given the chance to repent. If we say they deserve to go to hell for all the horror they have done in life, then we should say the same of everyone else, including ourselves. If we as Christians were not given the chance to repent of our own sins and put our faith in Jesus, we would end up in the same place as rapists, murderers, and terrorists who also were not saved. How can people be so hypocritical? War has the intention of killing non-Christians, and so therefore condemns those killed to hell! How is that love? How is that the message of Jesus? Even if you go to war in the name of Jesus, in the name of saving people, you are still killing others, others who deserved the same opportunity to meet Jesus on earth before death.
I believe that God rewards those who go out in His name as peacemakers. He says anyone looking to save his life will lose it, and those who lose their life for Him will save it. I don’t see that to mean that if you go out to war in the name of God you will save your life. I see it as saying that risking your life in the name of peace and love will save their soul, because it showed they cared more for the salvation of others, even those who would be considered pagans or infidels, rather than being safe and alive. These are martyrs, and they are always placed on a pedestal for those of us who are alive to praise for their courage and faith. Christians idolize the peacemakers, those full of faith and love for the Lord, and those who are killed even though they never harmed a soul. We praise them for that! And yet still insist that wars can be just. Is it too hard to believe that if a nation refused to go to war in the name of God and peace that God would not protect them? And even if He doesn’t, then is it too hard to believe that what happens to that nation is in the end to His glory? I’m not saying that subjugation would be fun or easy on a people, but how we act in that time, as true, faithful, loving Christians, would be to God’s glory. Maybe our actions would lead the nation that conquered us to convert. If after declaring peace a nation came and attacked us and confronted us and said, “Anyone who believes in God will be killed”, if every American still said they believed in God, I think that would resonate deeper than a nation who decides to go to war. It is scary to risk your life in war, even though you have weapons and an army with you. It is also scary to think of risking your life in the name of Jesus with no weapons, no protection, only an honest faith and love for God, and the belief that you do right by standing up in the name of God rather than staying silent in order to save your life. If everyone in a nation risked death by standing unprotected in from of someone threatening to kill you and declaring you believe in God even with that threat, I think news of that would spread farther, faster, and deeper into people’s hearts than news that those who go to war in the name of God are winning and killing their enemies faster than the other side. Moving stories of innocents being killed for their faith in defenseless situations are moving and reach the spirit. People who hear about those stories convert because they see that that kind of faith is stronger than faith than anything else in this world. People who convert because of fear of death are not really converts, they do not really understand the message of love that Jesus brings. We are even told in the Bible that God did not make us to have a spirit of fear, so why would Christians want to make converts by spreading fear? That makes no sense.
Of course, I am speaking about things that I don’t think Americans would ever be willing to do. I think Americans have too much pride in their freedom, in their rights, and especially the right to have guns, to give it up in the name of God, to give peace a try, to risk being attacked with no defense except a true faith in God, to sacrifice the comforts they have now for a future that may not be fun or easy or convenient. So while I truly believe these things, I have no expectations that they will ever be put to the test. So then, my actions come down to my personal convictions. I choose to avoid war because I personally do not believe it is ever just or holy. And that is what I will be held accountable for when I meet God after death. I choose to avoid evil rather than choose to go with the lesser of two evils. I am more patriotic to the Kingdom of God than to a nation that thinks war is the only way to defend its people. Innocent people and defenseless people will always be victims in this world, but as a people with the power to attack other nations, we have the choice to attack or to hold back, to restrain ourselves, and show that we choose peace even though we have the power to attack. We choose peace over violence. I think that if other nations saw America being attacked even after a declaration of peace that they would begin to attack that nation. The aggressive nation would be the target for their inhumanity of attacking a peaceful nation. America would be seen as “the good guy” because of their choice of peace, and any innocents who die in an attack by an aggressor, who chose to stay peaceful even in the face of a violent threat, will be rewarded in heaven, and their example will be glorified on earth and spread in the news in order to reach those who are not yet Christians. So even though an innocent lost their life, the message of their life will have long-lasting and far-reaching effects. I think that is the problem with many people, they do not believe that their actions will outlast their life. They feel like if they die, everything about them dies with them, and they will not have any effect. They think that if they are not around to see changes, the changes will not occur. But we all need to start believing that even though we die, how we lived will reach into the future and change people for the better, in the name of God. God can use you, dead or alive, for His purpose. If you believe that, then you will live as much in the image of God as you can and then accept death in His name because you know it is more important to die for Him than to live for the world.
That is how I choose to live. I choose to be “pacifist” because that is how I feel the world should be. Even though I don’t expect the world to follow me or do as I do, I choose not to conform to what others tell me is right. It is my personal conviction, and I can’t make myself do otherwise and still feel good about my life.

I think the idea of going to war as a means of spreading the faith is stupid. To spread the faith we should enter a country peacefully, go to the people and tell them what we know to be truth. Or, go to the country and capture the oppressive government officials, then reach the people peacefully. War causes fear and pain and suffering, hardly things we want to be associated with faith.
And when it comes to saving an innocent person who is being threatened by an oppressor, the most I can see is hurting the oppressor so that they are incapacitated for the moment, and restraining them so that you can speak to them. But I do not believe it is right to kill that person.

Mirror

I forgot to mention that I also just finished covering the mirror in my dorm. I took a lot of paper and taped it over, and then wrote some messages on it for me to see instead. I hate the feeling like my reflection is going to make me depressed, so if I just get rid of it, I don't have to think about it. I can just focus on how I feel, and the truth, which is that God loves me, no matter what, whether or not the world, or even I, thinks I am beautiful.

The Perfect Moment

I just had the perfect moment. I walked out into the lobby and Chanine was there with her parents, and as I walked past Chanine asked, "Hey Kaleigh, for fast food, have any suggestions?"
Immediately my response was, "Don't eat it."
LoL!! It was awesome, it just came right out, I didn't even think about it.
She and her parents all cracked up and Chanine said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot who I was asking."
Her mom and dad were saying, "That's a great response."
So yeah, that made me happy.
I love being different. :P
I really want to be as raw-vegan as I can, but not exclusively, there are some foods that aren't raw that I don't want to give up. But I still cling to my anti-sugar, anti-junk food, anti-overprocessed foods lifestyle. I can't imagine myself ever eating animal foods again, or sugar. Just... ew. lol.

The Not-So Christian Environment

I don't know what to think. I'm laying here in the middle of the lobby of my dorm hall and there are four girls sitting in a circle in front of me eating pizza, talking about how three girls in our hall got laid this weekend. Two of them are in the circle, one of them is on her way back I guess. But I mean, I'm laying here, and they're all just talking like it's the greatest thing in the world. The one girl is like, "I'm sore but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world." It's sick! And we're in a Christian college, I can't wrap my head around it. And just now the one girl said that she was a virgin when she got here. Her first time was September 6th. "I'm really new at this," she says. The other girl snorted, because she's obviously not. I mean, I just... I guess I still sort of imagine this world where a Christian college means that people live a life according to Christ, or at least try to, and I know that going out looking for sex on the weekends is not Christ like. It makes me sad, because I want to say something, but it wouldn't be anything that they haven't already heard. I'm just sad, really really sad.

Card Trick

This is an amusing story about my class this morning. I woke up at 7:45 for my 8:oo biology class that normally ends at 9:20. Well we were dutifully learning about epithelial tissues until 8:50 he said let's have a break. Five minutes later he comes back into the room with a deck of cards and tells us he's been practicing a card trick. If he can guess the card that someone draws, we'll continue class, and if he guesses wrong we'll get out early. So one guy picks out and shows everyone the queen of hearts, then puts it back in the deck and shuffles, per Dr. Pirtle's instructions. Then Dr. Pirtle starts laying down a row of cards, which includes the queen of hearts, and he sweeps the row aside and says, "It's not in there," and starts laying down another row of cards. At that point, some of the guys in front of me started putting their notes in their backpacks. He kept laying down rows until he was out of cards, and when he had laid down the last one, he kind of paused, then said, "I think I did it wrong," and started laughing. "Well I guess I better keep my word."
So we got out of class 20 minutes early, lol.

Venting

Nothing really to post, just a thought I had.
I've decided I'm not really attracted to people who have an ego. I'm drawn more to the people who think very little of themselves, who are quiet and self-effacing, who don't think they are worth much, who don't speak out very much, that kind of thing. I feel like I can get more personal with them, I feel like I can offer them something, like I can help build them or make them complete, like I can be the person to say the good things about them that they can't make themselves say. If people are full of themselves, what do they need me for? If they know they are good and talk about things they are good at, then it feels like they don't need a relationship with me. If someone is happy without me, what do they need me for? But if someone is unhappy, then it feels like I can help them and that they NEED me. I guess in the end that's what I want, to feel needed, and I feel like I'm not needed if someone is already a happy person or a confident person, and especially if they are proud or conceited.
Another thing. I love Richard, he's an awesome guy, he just has a few things that bug me. You know me, I'm pretty mellow, I don't tend to be shocked or excited about a lot of things, but this guy, he's ALWAYS loud and trying to get me excited, and I don't know, the more he does it, the more I tend to resist getting excited. He's always telling me so many ideas that he has that he gets excited about, and I don't know, I'm just not a very excitable person, and somehow I get annoyed when people - anybody - try to excite me. And lately he's started saying "Come play with me," which is just a saying of his, but it's weird to me. It sounds like a creepy predator telling some little kid to come out so he can mess with him, and that's just me, it's what it sounds like to me, and it weirds me out, lol. And he's always so loud and happy, always laughing and talking on and on and on, lol. And a lot of the time when he talks he's saying things he has already said, or saying stuff I already know, but saying it as if I don't know it, and that annoys me (it annoys me when ANYONE does that). And then there are the times when instead of trying to excite me he tries to shock me by telling me something really bad that has happened, and I don't know, I guess I've just gotten numb because nothing surprises me and nothing shocks me. I mean, that doesn't mean I'm not touched or hurt by the bad things I hear about, it just isn't anything I haven't heard before, so I'm not like, "GASP! NO WAY!" about it. It's more like just one more dig into a hole that's already a mile deep. But he'll always stare at me for about 5 seconds after he says something like that, and I guess he's waiting for that kind of reaction, but all I do is nod my head, and then he'll keep pushing his point, like nodding really emphatically and saying, "Yeah!" as if he thinks I don't really understand what he's saying, but I do, I just don't react the same way I would if it was the first time I had heard awful stories. And I feel bad about it, really, but at the same time I get annoyed when people try to stimulate me like that. I know, it's a personal problem, and I'm not saying it to be mean to Richard or anything, I think he's an awesome guy and he definitely has a spiritual gift in evangelism, I just had to get some of this stuff off my chest. There are times when I just get really annoyed with people because it feels like they are trying to get a reaction out of me, and out of some kind of dumb rebellion I resist giving it to them. I resent it when people try to excite me or shock me or impress me or tell me stuff I already know as if I don't know it. Like last night, Richard and I were talking about my research paper about food in America, and he started going on about how unhealthy everything is, and I was just sitting there thinking, "Uh, yeah, duh, I KNOW that, quit acting like you're the expert here." And I would even say, "Yeah, I know," after every point he said, but he kept going on to his next points, talking as if he was teaching me something. It was really offensive. I know he doesn't mean for it to be that way, I just take that kind of thing personally. When people talk like that I feel like they think I'm ignorant or dumb or something. If I'm sitting there and saying, "Yeah, I know," every ten seconds, I would hope that the person talking would take the hint, but most don't, and it just really grates on me. But I don't want to offend THEM by getting mad or anything.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I have Bible class in half an hour, then after that I'm going over to Richard's house to work, and I'll probably spend the night tonight and Saturday night, so that should be fun. ^_^ I'll also be doing research and working on my Psychology case study and speech for Communication. So much to do, but isn't there always? lol
Love you guys!

Been Really Busy

Wow, what to say... has it really only been a week since my last post? Since my birthday? It feels like so much longer.
Mom and Elisa came to visit: they were here from 4:30 on Friday until 11:20AM on Saturday. They didn't stay nearly as long as they had planned because we all found out that I had to work all day on Saturday. Lunch and dinner at the Bean. Ugh. Luckily, however, it was my last day, so it was bearable, lol. I quit my job at the Bean because Brother Richard gave me a job so that we could be together more and this way I can help out with the church and all his ideas of reaching out to the college students. I'm also really happy now because I found out that the Bean is going to be open until 8pm from now on instead of 7pm, so I would have been working an extra hour if I had stayed. But I was sad that it worked out that way, I would have loved to hang out with them more. It wasn't until after they left that I felt how much I missed them.
So I worked most of Saturday, then Sunday I went to church with Brother Richard, came back and did homework stuff. Then I worked from 4:30 to 7 (oh, so I guess Sunday was my last day, ignore what I said earlier about Saturday...), and then went to the first ACU Summit lecture from 7 to 8. I got chapel credit for it, and Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have all had three opportunities to get extra chapel credits by attending Summit lectures. Basically these lectures are sermons and class lectures combined together with a message on a section of Romans (this year's theme is Romans), and their interesting. I didn't go to two of them today, but I went to all the others (so 8 out of 10). Whenever I haven't been at Summit, I have been studying, or researching, or writing, or working with Richard, or sleeping. I've been so busy this last week! It feels like Friday night right now, but no, it's Thursday tomorrow, gotta get up at 7:40 for Biology. But that's ok. I don't mind Biology.
I think I will like my new job with Richard because I don't have to work on the weekends, so I can have my weekends back to do work for school that I couldn't get done during the week. Maybe one of these weekends I'll spend the night at Richard's house, that would be fun.
Oh yeah, and for my volunteer service, I'm thinking I'll go to the retirement home right across the street on Monday nights. I think I only need 5 more hours, so that's good.
What else... oh, I miss talking to dad, and mom, and Elisa. But I haven't had time to think about it much, let alone actually call. Sigh. I actually need to be doing more research, and getting started on my first speech for communication. But I wanted to take a short break to put an update on here so people know I'm not dead. Far from it. I'm buzzed and buzzing, kind of exhausted but not really, more like on a roll that doesn't want to stop.
Ugh, I don't want to do research... I think I'll just go ahead and call dad, and maybe get to tell everyone else at Grandma's house hi.
Love you all! Good night!

Birthday!

So I'm 19 today, cool! It doesn't feel like anything (I've really stopped expecting a new age to feel any different from the previous, lol). I don't feel like a number. The age and me just don't seem connected anymore, but hey, it's fun to celebrate anyway. ^_^
I had a really good time last night hanging out with Richard at his house. He picked me up at 5:30 and I stayed at his house until 11:30. I got to meet his 14 year old daughter Brenna and his son Joshua (who turned 17 today, we share the same birthday ^_^) and his 12 year old son Jared, I think. He was so sweet, he had all sorts of veggies for me, a pack or smart dogs and whole wheat buns, salsa, fiber one cereal and soy milk, and diet Dr. Pepper. He had chocolate cake for everyone else, lol, but we had a great time just talking and getting to know each other. He is such a talker and a joker, and he told me a lot about his life like his divorce and how badly his ex-wife treated his kids. And also I cleaned his kitchen and reorganized his cabinets and washed his dishes that were piled in the sink. He told me "Mi casa es tu casa" (because he's Hispanic) and I told him, (in Spanish) "Well if it's my house too, I want it to be clean!" because he was like, "Girl, you don't need to be cleaning around!" I told him I love to do it, it makes me happy. And we also talked a lot about just ways we've been blessed by God, what our dreams are, and we worked on flyers to hang up around school about the church and youth meetings, and that was fun. And he kept telling me, "You are such a blessing, I can tell God has big plans for you." And he was very impressed/proud of me for wanting to be celibate my whole life because he knows a LOT of youth who are already sexually active, and he's working hard to teach them the importance of waiting for marriage. He also kept telling me that I was welcome at his house any time, any day, for any reason. The door is always open to me, make myself at home. I can't believe how open he is, I feel so welcome. It was funny, while I was organizing he said, "So I've got your paperwork all ready."
I turned to him and said, "Paperwork? For what?"
He said, "To adopt you."
Lol! It was funny. I love him, he's a great guy. It's too bad that service to the church wouldn't count for my required 10 hours for my Honors Cornerstone class. I already have 5 hours down, but I would have loved to get credit for church volunteering; it would have been extra incentive.
Well for my birthday Richard gave me a new toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, pens, and a BUNCH of spiral notebooks, because I told him those were things that I needed. I'm more of a necessities person, so it was perfect.
Then he took me back to the dorm so I was back before curfew (midnight). When I got to the third floor, some of the other girls were out in the lounge doing homework, and they all told me, "Stay up for 15 more minutes so we can wish you a happy birthday!"
So I did, lol. And at midnight all the girls who were there sang "Happy Birthday", which was really sweet. Then I went to bed.
Then I woke up and went to Psychology, then to Cornerstone. At the end of that class, Austin (a really nice guy in class) said he had an announcement, and said that it was my birthday, and so they all needed to embarrass me by singing Happy Birthday. So he gave me a card that everyone in class had signed, and then proceeded to get the class to join him in song. It was so sweeeeet!! I started tearing up when I looked at the card and all the signatures. I've never gotten a card like that...
Well then I went to Chapel and it was then that I listened to a voicemail message in which my mom was singing Happy Birthday to me, which was really nice to hear. I'm glad she's doing ok back home even without electricity.
After Chapel I had about an hour to myself before I went to Bible class. I checked my mail and saw that I had a package from my Aunt Lora, which was a cool book about the top 10 choices you make in life that decide if your life will be worthwhile or not. Then I went to Bible, where again the whole class sang Happy Birthday to me (birthdays only come once a year, so you have to take all the times people sing it for you that you can get!). Then I got to read the text for the day, which was Mark chapter 4 which is the parable of the sower. The weird thing was that in my Bible that chapter was on page 917 (you know, like the date), lol. It was also nice because we went outside for class, so I got to read standing by the statue of Jacob's Dream with the breeze and the sun and the sounds of nature and running water all around. It was cool. ^_^
After that I just started doing random things like reading, studying, answering birthday emails and walking around, etc. Now I'm kind of hungry but I'm trying to wait for my friend Ashley (the RA) to come around because I know she's got some stuff she wants to give me and might want to hang out or something.
Anyway, I've had a really pleasant birthday so far. I've been feeling so blessed getting all these messages and letters and cards and emails and songs and calls and just people walking by saying "Happy Birthday" as we walk past each other. I don't know if I've ever felt so loved and welcomed by so many people who I just met. It's a great feeling. I love the girls in my dorm, this whole school just feels like a family community. I never want to leave, I just love it so much here.

Quick Weekend

Let's see, here's a quick review of my weekend:
Saturday: wake up at 8, go to service project from 8:30-12 - was supposed to visit the elderly at the Convalescent Center, but the coordinator wasn't there so we weren't allowed, so we went to the lake to pick up trash instead.
Lunch with some friends (Sarah, Jodi, and Erin, then again with Bonnie, her boyfriend Brad, and Ben from my Bible class).
Then to Walmart with Bonnie.
Worked until 7:30.
Rode my bike around for a little while until it got dark.
Went to Walmart again with Mary so we could drop off a lot of the recycling. I started a recycle collection in my dorm hall for bottles and cans and glass and paper and cardboard and all that stuff, and luckily I found the recycle center is really conveniently located at Walmart, so, yay!
Went to sleep.
Sunday:
Wake up at 8, then go to Spanish service from 8:40 to 10:30.
Work 11-3:15. Sunday lunch service scared me a little because there were so many people just from the public coming in, so I had to deal with a lot of checks and credit cards and cash, and I was ringing things up wrong sometimes because people would forget to tell me that they get a discount before I had hit "charge" so I was worried that there would be money missing in the end, but I was SO THRILLED because when I went back and counted everything, it was all there. All the mistakes and the actual money added up right, so nothing was missing. Everything was counted for, yay!! And it was my first time at the register by myself. I was so proud. ^_^
Then I went to my dorm for an hour and a half or so to study a little, then went back to work from 4:30 to 7:15.
Then I met in the library with my little group from Honors Cornerstone to prepare for our discussion in class tomorrow until almost 10. Then I went to Walmart again just to hang out with some girls until about 10:50. Now I'm back in my dorm and I'm not tired so I'm going to take this opportunity to get some studying done because I have tests coming up next week, so I want to get reading and studying done at every opportunity.
Love you guys!
Oh and John, I have gotten all of your messages, it's just never convenient to call you back, so I'm sorry about that. Love you though!
Until next time...

Psychologist Appointment

So I went ahead and had my appointment with the psychologist this morning. Luckily I didn't run into the nurse while I was there. The psychologist was a really nice guy, easy to talk to, very understanding. I told him that I didn't think I needed to be there and that I didn't appreciate the nurse making me feel like I was being forced to see a counselor. I told him about things that had happened over the summer and how I was not about to go back to starving myself, and I told him that I was surprised that anyone would have been able to look at me now and think that I might have had an eating disorder. He told me that if someone told him to go around campus and point out people he thought might have an eating disorder, I would be one of them, of a small group. Then he asked me a series of questions that were a test for diagnosing an eating disorder I guess, stuff like "Have you wanted to hurt yourself or anyone else recently," "When was your last period," "Do you feel hungry," "Do you do any kind of purging," "Do you exercise regularly," and some other stuff that I can't remember, but he said that for the most part if I felt like I had things under control he didn't feel like he needed to force any therapy on me, but he is concerned that I don't have my periods. I've been saying honestly for a while now that that is one thing that I really like about this whole thing, it's nice to not have to deal with that. I don't care about all the medical problems that can come from that. But anyway, it was also nice when after our conversations, he said, "Well you have a lot more insight than most people who have sat on the other side of my desk," and that that was nice to hear. I like it when people tell me how insightful or mature or intelligent I am, lol. Then we closed the "meeting" with him saying that if I ever felt like I needed help that I could feel free to call him. We shook hands, and I left. So that was good and easy. I appreciated him listening to me and being honest with me, and also telling me that seeking help was up to me, as long as I wasn't in a life-threatening position. So yeah, for me, it worked out. Now I just need to avoid that nurse, lol.
Well, I'm going to be working dinner tonight, and then I have service to do tomorrow from 8-12 or so, then I'm working dinner, and in the mean time I have tests coming up to study for and reading to do, so this should be a pretty busy weekend for me. But it'll be fine. I just hope mom and Elisa and dad and GM and GP are all ok with the hurricane coming.
Until next time!

Wednesday Drama

I guess I better write all this down so I don’t have to try to remember everything and explain it over and over.
Well, Monday night I probably only got an hour of sleep total because I was up throwing up and going to the bathroom and feeling painfully nauseous the whole time. I didn’t think I was going to survive (ironically, that had been my goal only hours earlier when I had started binging), and I was praying for it to pass. I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it to my 8am class on Tuesday, but by then I was feeling ok enough to go. I still felt disgustingly awful, but I was able to make it to class. Well then I started feeling ok, not good enough to really eat anything, but I was surviving. Eventually I went to my communication class, then later had a light dinner at the Bean, and I was able to sleep pretty soundly Tuesday night. I didn’t wake up refreshed or anything, but I slept at least.
So then it was Wednesday, and I didn’t feel 100 percent, but I was not nauseous or anything. I went to class and chapel like normal, then I ate lunch: some sandwiches and some cereal with soymilk. Then, at about 2:30, I started to feel nauseous again. I had a 3 o’clock jogging class coming up, and I was debating whether or not I felt good enough to go. As it got closer, I decided that jogging really wouldn’t help my oncoming nausea, so I went to the nurse to make sure I could get my absence excused.
I went to the clinic, they took my blood pressure, temperature, that kind of thing, asked me what was wrong, etc. Well, I sat in a room by myself for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew one of the nurses or doctors or whichever came in and asked me how I was feeling. Then after I told her, she came right out and asked, “Do you have any issues?”
I kind of stared at her for a minute, waiting for her to elaborate.
“You’re really tiny, do you have any eating issues? Do you take laxatives or make yourself throw up or anything?”
I found it very blatant and surprising, because I didn’t think that by now anyone would be able to guess that I had ever had anorexia, I’m not that thin anymore! But anyway, I ended up telling her about my history of anorexia, my lowest weight, and the help I got over the summer, and then she asked, “Who are you seeing now?”
I said no one, and she said, “You know we have counselors on campus.”
I said yeah, and before I could explain to her how I wasn’t that way anymore, she was forcing me into an appointment with the psychologist and telling me I needed to get into counseling. I was like, WHAT!?!? NO WAY! I was screaming in my head, THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE MAKING ME SEE COUNSELORS!!!!!! But I just kind of stared at her incredulously, and she just stared back, and was like, “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You know you’re sick, and only you can control it. No one can help you unless you want to be helped.”
Well DUH! And that was the whole point, I never wanted to see counselors because I never wanted to get anything from them in the first place! And why is she forcing me into counseling if she herself said that only I can control it and I can only get help if I want it? If I don’t want it, how can she think the counseling will do any good???? It just BUGS me! The point for me of getting to college was to FINALLY be at a place where I COULDN’T get forced into counseling, but this crazy nurse, the instant she sees me, assumes I’m still some starving anorexic and hurls me into counseling that I do NOT want to go to, and the thing is she made my appointment at 8 in the MORNING on FRIDAY!!!! She is trying to kill me, or at least SERIOUSLY piss me off. I hated how she just judged me, thinking that I’m still starving myself, and saying stuff like, “You only started getting help a few months ago, we’re not going to let you slip back down to what you were.” HELLOO!!! Do you think I want that either????? Do you seriously think I could force myself back down to 78lbs by now?? NO WAY! I’ve been eating way too much lately, I’m too used to it, and the idea of me not being able to eat as much as I want when I want scares me to death. I LIKE eating now!! But this lady, she doesn’t know it, she doesn’t know me, and I don’t appreciate someone who doesn’t know me just forcing me into a corner like this. I just went to the nurse because I didn’t feel good enough to go jogging! By that time I was wishing I had just gone to class!!
Anyway, the same nurse told me that she wanted me to go to the ER because I was bloated and dehydrated. So she got Ashley to give me a ride down to the ER. Before I left, she was like, “Are you mad at me?” I said, honestly, yes, and she said, “But you’ll get over it, right?” I shrugged. Then she was like, “Well, are we friends?” I said, “We would be if you weren’t making me go to therapy.” She kind of laughed and said, “You’ll be thankful,” and I’m sitting there thinking, “Not bloody likely,” and she looked me in the eye and was like, “Some part of you in there is thankful.” And I’m just on fire inside, screaming, “You don’t know me!! You don’t have any right to judge me like that! I don’t flipping need therapy and I shouldn’t have to deal with you or a freaking 8am appointment if I don’t want to! Get out of my face you judging ignorant woman!”
But then she left, and Ashley arrived, and we went to the ER, which I ALSO didn’t want to do. But I ended up signing in anyway. They took me in the back, put me in a room, and it was then that I got a call from Richard from the New Life Temple Church (the Spanish service church that I visited). He asked me how I was and I told him I was in the hospital, and he was like, “WHAT? Girl, what room are you in? Give me 20 minutes I’ll be right over.” I was like, whoa, that was unexpected. He hung up, and what do you know, about 20 minutes later he was there.
After he got there the nurse took some blood, and an hour later came back with the results saying that I was dehydrated, but I refused an IV. I just couldn’t handle that. No way, no how. But then I got some x-rays of my chest and abdomen, and they said that I had a lot of gas and constipation, but that was it, really. By then I was feeling better anyway, so they discharged me, and I got to leave at around 10:30, after having signed in at about 5:30.
Then Richard, being a generous Christian sweetheart, took me to Walmart and bought for me a bunch of drinks to help keep me hydrated, and then brought me back to the dorm. He was with me for like 5 hours! From the hospital back to the dorm. And honestly I was so thankful, because I would have been bored out of my mind if I had been alone. We talked a lot about the Bible and God’s miracles and the church and family and stuff we like to do and health and weather (it’s raining like crazy here because of the hurricane season). He’s a great guy, I like him a lot.
Oh, and just a side note, I learned of two different people today who have the same birthdate as I do: the daughter of one of the school nurses whose name is Kaylee who will be turning one on the 17th, and Richard’s son who will be turning 17. Just kind of cool.
So anyway, overall today was really annoying mostly. I really am not very fond of that one nurse. I know she thinks she’s doing the right thing, and I’m sure that it would be good for her to be so assertive for anyone else who had been like me so recently, but I am so over it! And I’m just bothered by the whole thing. So, assuming that I manage to wake up in time for the appointment, I’m hoping the psychologist will say, “Ok, you’re fine, don’t need to see you anymore,” or something similar. I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is to be stressing out about having to keep appointments along with everything else, especially if I don’t want to go. That’s the thing, EVERYONE keeps telling me how great therapy can be, how stress-relieving counseling can be and how it can help you so much. Yeah, whatever, I know for a fact that it can if you are WILLING and WANT it to help, but I DON’T!! I would do just about anything to NOT have to see a counselor, and people just don’t GET that!! It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me how good it would be for me, I DO NOT WANT TO GET COUNSELING!!!!!! JEEZ!!!
So anyway, that’s my day, the highlights of it anyway. The best news is I got home before curfew (even though it didn’t really matter since Ashley knew where I was) and will get to go about my normal business tomorrow.
Ok, maybe I should try to get some sleep since I have class in the morning. Biology, fun. Although, I like my professor, he’s really nice, and he knows my name!
K, goodnight all, love and peace!

Thank You

Hey, just a message to say that, thankfully, I was able to talk to dad for about 40 minutes after I posted my last blog and it really made me feel better. It didn't make the problems go away, but it made them easier to face. And then after I hung up with him, my Residential Assistant (RA) Ashley, who happens to be my next door neighbor, came by asking if everything was all right, and we ended up talking for maybe half an hor or so, and that helped too. She's really cool and understanding, I like her a lot. But anyway, I just didn't want to leave that last post there without a note saying that I'm feeling not so down anymore. Praise God. ^_^ Love you all, good night!

Painful Cry

I don't know what to say. I'm debating whether or not I want to actually post this. I don't know. I will anyway. I don't want to keep this to myself.
I really wanted to kill myself just now. I wanted to just die. And there was nothing out of the ordinary to make me think that, I just did, and I felt so confident about it. It's dumb, but I wanted to die by overdosing on food. I wanted to just eat so much that my body couldn't handle it and just somehow shut down and died. I wanted that so much, I even tried. I started eating as much and as fast as I could, but I had to stop, I got just too full. I wanted to make myself so sick that I died. I wanted it so badly. I just didn't want to live anymore. I didn't feel anything about life or living. I didn't want to deal with school or life at all anymore. I don't know how I feel right now, just kind of drained emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I want to shut down. I really just want to give up on life. I don't think I'm ready for life. I'm too warped, and I'm scared of failure. I don't want to face anything anymore, I just want to cry, and die, and forget everything. I'm scared of going to sleep because it means I'll wake up to tomorrow, to a day I don't want to exist. I just want to scream. I want to smash something. I'm screaming inside but on the outside I'm silent, walking to every class, going through the motions, not seeing any point to it all. I've decided that if my grades slip and I lose my scholarship I'm going to quit college. I'm not TRYING to make my grades fall, I just feel like they might. I don't know, I have no confidence. I have nothing really. I just want to sleep and never wake up. That's all there is to it, I'm lost. And I want to cry but the tears never come out all the way. I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I want to scream but my voice isn't there. I'm just here, but I don't feel alive. I don't feel anything. And it made me want to kill myself just a few minutes ago. What am I doing here?? Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?? What do I really have to offer to anybody!?!?! I hate myself!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely abhor myself and life!!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!
Dad, please call me, whenever you read this, please call me...

Pants

Here's a new maxim I want to adopt:
You were not made to fit into pants, pants were made to fit on you.
I don't want to be concerned about what size I fit into, no one should be thinking, "Oh if only I could fit into size _!" People should be thinking, "I need to find a pair of pants that fits ME the way I like." That's what clothes are for, to fit US, not us to fit THEM!
I bring this up because I need a pair of black slacks to wear when I'm working, and I don't have any, so mom went to Kohl's and bought a pair for me. But she told me they are size 3s and I have been stressing out ever since she told me because I'm worried that I've been gaining so much weight that they won't fit, and if they don't that will just make me so depressed. The gaining weight thing alone I don't mind, it's the needing new clothes that would bother me. Everyone has this notion of me that I'm still so small and thin, and so if they buy me clothes they might buy me size smalls, but I'm trying to NOT be small anymore! And this is what I was always worried about, is people's ideas about me needing to change. Everyone always thinks of me now and thinks, "Wow, she's so thin!" But I'm not anymore, and I hate that people need to change that view because I always liked people being able to think that about me. But I'm not thin, and I'm only going to get bigger from now on. I'm not "the skinny girl" anymore, as painful as that is for me. But what's REALLY painful is when I get new clothes that people expect to be able to fit me but they don't because they're too small, but people bought a small size because that's how they picture me. I hate that people will have to change their picture of me. I wanted to stay thin forever so that that picture would never have to change. But I'm different, and still changing, and it's scary. I want to be able to fit into size 0 again and size extra small, because that's how I feel others see me, and it's how I want to be seen. But I don't, and I can't get that way again, it just isn't going to happen, so I have to get people to know that I'm not thin anymore so that I don't get any clothes that won't fit and will make me depressed. I wish I really could just see clothes sizes as a way to judge which would fit me best, not as a determinant for how happy I am. It's ridiculous, but it hurts so much to know that I've let myself go and I can't fit into a size 0 and have it be baggy anymore. I hate it. I wish I was dying sometimes just so that I could enjoy the last few weeks of my life and know that the end was soon, that I would never have to be miserable again. Somehow, knowing that I was going to die would make me so much more at peace with myself. I would know I wouldn't have to put up with the world much longer and could live my last days however I wanted without a care. Wow, that's really sad. Oh well.

New Job

Well, I started my job at the Bean today: I'm a cashier! I liked the cashier-ing part, it's pretty simple just swiping everyone's cards, then counting the money. It's even better than working at Baskin Robbins! But as usual I don't like the cleaning up part at the end, the sweeping and mopping. And I wasn't expecting to work as long as I did. I was told I'd be done before 8, but I ended up leaving at 8:30 because I told the supervisor that I had homework to do (which I will do after I post this). Hopefully I won't be doing shifts of much longer than 3 hours, except maybe if it's on a weekend. I don't know, I'm still trying to get a feel for timing on everything. But for a first day I worked from 4 to 8:30, and my official pay is $7.25 an hour, so overall it's not bad at all. But like I said, my MAIN priority is studying and doing well in my classes, so in the end I probably won't work very much, which is fine.
Anyway, that's pretty much it, so I'm going to get down to my homework: reading and taking the quiz online over the chapter, then researching for my paper. My plan is to write about food and culture (in America), the history of it, how and why it changed, and what it could mean for the future. Should be fun to research and write about. That kind of stuff just interests me. ^_^
Peace, love, and blessings!

I'm A Winner

Today was pretty cool. At 5:45PM I went down to the special events center where there was this thing for new students to Abilene going on: lots of local churches and businesses had booths with information and free stuff (lots of food, candy, coupons, flyers, etc). I got a free water bottle from one church, free flip-flops from another, lots of flyers and chick-fil-a coupons too, but the one that really caught my attention was this one church, New Life Temple Church. As I was walking by I said hi to the guy and he said hi and told me a little about the church, gave me a flyer, and asked if I wanted to sign up for the raffle they were having. I said sure, and as I was signing my name I heard him turn to the lady next to him and start speaking Spanish. When I finished my name and phone number, one kid sitting at the table said I won a free 2L bottle of Dr. Pepper and a small bag of candy because I was number whatever to sign up, so that was cool (I gave it to a girl in my dorm because she loves Dr. Pepper. I would have kept it if it was diet though, lol). Then I went back to the guy and said, "Hablas espanol?" and suddenly we started talking in Spanish and he told me that the church has a Spanish service at 9 on Sundays and an English at 11. So he invited me to the Spanish and I told him I'd really like to come. He was also telling me about how God has been working in the church: a man apparently bought a ton of land across the street from the church and just gave it to them, for free. And another guy bought a lot of land behind the church and donated it to them too, so now they have all this land that they can build on and they own it, completely, with no debt or anything. So God clearly has big plans for this church, and I think it would be cool to get plugged in while it's just getting started.
Well then at 6:45 or so I left to take all my stuff back to my room, and at 7 I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, but I answered and it ended up being the guy and he said, "Hello, Kaleigh? Guess what you just won?" I apparently won the raffle too! So I got a free backpack with a bunch of school supplies, like pens and pencils and erasers and spirals and paper and a ruler and a clipboard and a little calculator and rubberbands and glue. It was so cool. I just can't believe how blessed I am, God blesses me in so many ways and I am nowhere near as grateful as I should be. I can't even begin to pretend that my heart fathoms the deep love God pours on me daily. If I could even understand it the tiniest bit I would be moved to tears. I'm so unworthy of everything He does for me, but He does it anyway, and I am so humbled by it. I'll never be able to grasp how much He loves me and how truly blessed I am. It would probably kill me to be able to understand the great distance between his blessings and my unworthiness. But as I was walking back to the center to get the backpack, I just started praying that God would help me to understand just a little better how much He loves me and how blessed I am so that it would break me apart, and so that I could be rebuilt into a person that loves Him wholeheartedly and more than anything else that exists. And I feel like God is calling me to go to this church, everything about me being there seems so . . . I don't know. Just all the winning and talking I did at the booth, it feels like God was trying to get me to notice it, to make sure it got my attention. Hearing the Spanish, winning the Dr. Pepper and then the raffle, hearing the story of the church's new potential, it just feels like God is trying to get a message across to me. So we'll see. I'll visit on Sunday and see what happens after that.
So that's my story for the day. Oh, and Bob from the Bean told me to come in tomorrow and more than likely he'd be ready to hire me (I turned in an application a few days ago, and he was excited at the prospect of hiring me). So that's good news too.
Right now I wish I was asleep, but I'm not tired enough, so I guess I could be reading chapter two in my communication book. I guess I'll do that.
Goodnight all, much love, and God bless!

Major Change

I just finished my jogging class. I did a mile in 9:30, which isn't as good as my time when I was a sophomore, but whatever, it's not bad. I enjoyed it, the feeling of just going and going, and I'm proud of myself for keeping my steady pace the whole time. ^_^ Even in the heat, I survived, lol.

Well, I'm really happy right now, I changed my major this morning to English, so yay! No more Psychology for me. I can't believe how relieved I feel about it right now, I feel like I'm excited about college again. I feel like I can actually enjoy myself now. I felt so much stress and pressure at the thought of the Psychology track I was on, because I'm not a science person and I didn't want to dedicate all of my time here to a subject that I would have hated, like research and testing and that kind of thing, so now I'm thinking of a writing profession, which I've always wanted anyway since I was a baby, and if I combine with a Spanish minor I could do translations as well. Whatever, it's all good, I'm just glad to finally feel like I'm ready for something. I feel like this is a much better fit for me.

P.S. Here's a pic of me sporting my oh-so-glamorous jogging outfit. Clearly college gym suits are no better than high school suits, lol.

Sunday Before Classes

Ok, it's the Sunday before my first day of college classes. At this moment I have a few thoughts I want to get out:
I am sick of not knowing why I want to be thin. It doesn't matter how much I think about it, I can't find any reason for me to try to stay thin. Who am I trying to impress? I am making a commitment right now to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have no interest in ever getting involved romantically with anyone. I never want to date, or get married, or have sex, or have kids, so why should I care so much about trying to feel pretty or attractive? If I just eat the way I want, I'll be the way God meant for me to be, and I want to commit to being at peace with that rather than struggling constantly to be something that isn't natural. It isn't natural to want to be so thin, it doesn't glorify God, and it separates me from God because it keeps me focused on that rather than His divine will for my life. So I'm really hoping right now that I can make a true commitment to just doing what I want without worrying about whether it makes me gain weight or not, especially since I'm committing to a life on my own I don't have to worry about staying attractive for a partner. And besides, I shouldn't want to be pretty by the world's standards or definitions anyway, they are ridiculous and artificial, so why should I care? If things I do make me hate myself as a person, if the things on my mind and the actions that follow make me self-absorbed rather than concerned for lost and dying souls, then my mind and heart are not in the right place and I need to change.
But the thing is I'm worried that if I change and heal from this disorder then I won't have something to work for anymore. If I stay disordered, then I have the goal of getting better. If I get better, what next? I don't know, and that scares me. I'm so used to having people worry about me because I'm sick or too thin that if I lose that, I'll feel like I'm not worth caring about anymore. If I'm all ok, then why would anyone need to worry about me or think about me? That's how I feel. It's stupid, but I'm so used to feeling like people are constantly thinking of me because I'm not all right, and I guess I'm clinging to that as well as the misguided desire to be pretty by fashion standards.
But at this moment I feel like I want to just do my own thing, eat how I want, and not care. I thought I might feel differently about romantic relationships when I got to college, but I don't. I still have no desire to get involved that way, so I figure I shouldn't bother trying to be "pretty" anymore. Who else cares anyway? Who does it impress? No one I know, so it gains nothing. I want to be more concerned with helping others, volunteering, sharing the Gospel, finding a satisfying career, and finding God's purpose for me, and I know that anorexia is not part of any divine plan. I need to get over it. Seriously. I'm not planning on changing what I eat because I like the foods I eat, I'm just hoping to choose to eat healthier amounts from now on. So we'll see how well I do.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind right now. I visited my first church here earlier today, University Baptist Church, and I liked it. It felt more familiar and like home, and so I think I'll stick with it. Then after church I went to Walmart with two other girls. They stocked up on junk food. I got a 5lb bag or whole wheat flour, a big tub of oatmeal, a can of salsa, and a bottle of calcium tablets. I ate as much of it as I wanted and didn't feel guilty. I still don't. I hope I continue to feel that way. I'm getting ready to go down to the cafeteria (called The World Famous Bean) which has a fanatastic salad bar, and starting tomorrow is going to have a vegetarian/vegan station for people like me, almost specifically for me. I've been talking a lot with one of the Bean managers and he looks out for me now to keep me updates on all the new and exciting editions he's going to put into the vegan section. He's so excited that I'm here, he's calling me the voice or the representative for all the vegetarians and vegans at ACU that haven't really proclaimed it yet. ^_^ And I want to be able to enjoy all the options available to me, and I can't do that if I'm constantly worrying about eating too much or gaining weight. If I do, I will severely limit myself on the foods I eat, even if I'd really like them. Today when I got back to my dorm from Walmart, I was craving the oatmeal and flour, and that was when I decided I'd rather eat what I'm craving than deprive myself in an effort to stay thin. And right now I'm thinking I want to do that from now on: be able to go to the Bean and take anything I'm craving and eat it without any care about weight. If I want it, I want to eat it. I'm paying for it in my meal plan anyway!!! It's an all-you-care-to-eat meal plan, so once I enter the cafeteria I am free to eat all I can until I walk out, and since I'm paying for it, why waste the money by not eating all I want? That just wouldn't be economical. And I am a BIG economical person, I bargain hunt like no other. I almost never buy anything unless it's on sale or on clearance.
Ok, well I guess I'll go down there now, I have an hour and 15 minutes before the Bean closes at 7, and that's when a friend is going to host the first official "second floor movie night" in her dorm. I think that'll be fun.
Peace, love, and happy eating to all. Chao!

"3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:3-5

Candelight Devotional

These are pics from the candelight devotional earlier tonight from 9-10:25. They are also in an album on my picasa page:
http://picasaweb.google.com/veggychristian/

Dorm Room

Yay! I moved into my new dorm room yesterday! Mom, Elisa, dad, and I are all here in Abilene, and they are going to leave Tuesday. Wow, I'm finally in college, and I love my dorm room. It feels so clean, and no dogs allowed to dirty it up, woohoo!!! ^_^ This is going to be great, WOOHOO!

Goal Oriented

Ok, one thing I don't think I've explained before is this:
I want to stay too thin because the goal is to reach a certain weight, but I'm afraid of reaching that goal because I don't know what I would have to do after that. What would my new goal be? What would I have to strive for or work for? If I reach the goal weight, then my new goal would be to lose the weight again just so I could have the goal of gaining again. So right now I'm in a state of wanting to stay thin so that I will always have the goal of reaching the healthy weight. I don't want to go over that weight. I don't want to lose the goal of reaching a healthy weight because then it feels like I won't have a goal anymore. I know the thing to do is find a new better goal to strive for, so I am hoping that college will give me a purpose, a goal, a flow to go with, something to want in life other than obsession with image and weight. I talked to Joann on the phone today about all this stuff and it really felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. I explained to her this goal thing. I don't want to reach the goal because I don't know what I will want when I do. If I lose a goal, what do I have left? I don't want to get better, because what am I if I am not working for something? I want to stay in a constant state of being super thin and needing to gain weight. I want that to be who I am. Sad. Very very sad.

Perfect World

I've decided that in a perfect world, I would be six feet tall, 115lbs, sleek and dark with stunningly bright blue eyes, high cheek bones, hairless on my body, with smooth soft skin, and I would be that way for my whole life no matter what or how I ate, and I would just be in a permanent state of body. I would be ok with aging and getting wrinkles and gray hair and all that, but I would stay tall and thin and lithe. I was thinking about it, and I would love to be in the Groundhog Day situation, where everyday I woke up to repeat the same day forever so that no matter how I ate I would wake up with everything reversed as if it had never happened. Every day I would wake up 80lbs light and free to do whatever I wanted because there would be no consequences, it would all be undone when the day restarted. I would love that, I would be so happy to have that as my reality.
I know neither of those is possible, but if I could live in a place of complete solitude for the rest of my life where no one would ever see me again, then I wouldn't care how I looked. I just feel like I have nothing to live for or to motivate me anymore, and if I don't have something in my life to make me happy and to distract me from the problems I have now like worrying about my appearance then it will be the only thing I think about for the rest of my life. I'm hoping that once school starts I'll be back to focusing on studying, which always helped to fill my mind and time during high school.
I liked talking to Steve yesterday. He's a guy who reminds me a lot of dad who works at Kroger. We've been friends for quite a few months now and I really like him. Anyway, Monday when I was talking to him, I talked to him for the first time about my demons, and how I feel like I have so little to offer and I don't know who I am or what I want. He said the world is better for having me in it, and that if he was 18 and unattached he'd be chasing me around, lol. And that made me feel good. I like connecting with "older" people. Not that he's old at all, but he is older than I am, which makes him relatively "older". I wish I was in that age group. I feel so young, and it feels like young people are "supposed" to be thin and attractive. I don't want to feel like that is the expectation for me. I feel like if I was fifty I would have better priorities than trying to make sure I'm thin and beautiful, I would just want to be healthy and glow with wisdom and maturity and compassion. But since I'm so young I don't have that expectation, I expect myself to be a thin little model who can put guys in a daze with a flip of my hair, or who carries herself with an aura of self-confidence that makes her walking down the street seem to be in slow motion, like all those movies where the guy glances at the main girl and is smitten and everything just kind of slows down while the camera soaks in the girl in all her attractive glory as she glides through her day completely oblivious of the attention and just how stunning she truly is. I always wanted to be the girl who was gorgeous and just didn't know it. Instead I have always been painfully aware of how unattractive I am and tried to not care. I tried to let my personality be the star, be the thing that defined me and made me an attractive person, but I never felt like that was enough. I had too much competition with girls who were not only full of attractive personality but were physically attractive as well. So then I decided if I can't accept myself, no one ever will, and I isolated myself with no expectations that anyone would ever want to be my friend or would ever be attracted to me. And I don't think I will ever believe that someone is attracted to me. I don't feel the capacity in my heart to fall in love. I'd feel too worried that he wasn't honestly in love with me. I'd feel like it was all a lie. I don't feel like I am loveable, or able to love. I want to be alone, but I also want to feel attractive, which is a strange combination. Why should it matter if I am attractive or not if I have no expectations of love? I don't know, but I do know that I wish I was fifty and well past any stage in life where physical attractiveness is anywhere on my radar.
But maybe I should make it my goal to be like a fifty-year-old in nature anyway, to try to focus my attention on mental and spiritual well-being and to only care about physical health rather than looks. I mean, honestly, I KNOW that's what my goal SHOULD be, and I know that would help me stand out, but again, I feel like I've lost a certain spark in my soul for life, for living, for being a person out to enjoy life and make the most of each moment through fellowship and love. I feel so absorbed in things that don't matter, I'm locked in a shell. I'm hoping college will help me come out. But of course I'm always hoping that if I'm lucky I'll get to stay thin too, and I'll get to be pretty in my own eyes. And of course I'll always wish that I was the six-foot, 115lb femme fatal whose individuality carries her through the world like on dazzling wings of gold. I spend so much time thinking of being someone else that I don't think I would ever believe that I was that person even if I did become her. Sadly I know what I want: I want to be permanent, permanently tall and thin, so that I can live a carefree life, not worrying about changing. I don't like change. I don't like the idea that 10 years from now people who know me now will see me and see that I've gained 100lbs and think of me differently. I want to ALWAYS be the thin girl, ALWAYS, and I'm afraid that during my life I'll let myself go and lose that identity, and people will have to change that perception of me. I'll be someone different in their eyes. It's hard going through life day by day not having anything to think about except food and how much I'm willing to let myself eat and how big or little I want to be. That's why I have hated this summer so much, I've had nothing on my mind except my weight, my appearance, and food. I wanted to go straight to college after graduation so I could start school at 80lbs and have schoolwork on my mind to keep me from gaining weight, but mom wouldn't let that happen. I've had to suffer through summer, suffer through weight gain, get used to the feeling of muscle instead of bones, and in the end I still just want to be a girl so thin she might die from it. How sad is that? I want to be so thin that I'm literally a bag of bones in skin, because that is the only time I feel "allowed" to eat. I feel like eating at a healthy weight is an overindulgence. I feel like eating now is an overindulgence. I want to be dangerously thin so that I feel good about eating, so that I feel like I really need it, so that I feel like I seriously might just die if I don't eat. But I don't think I'll ever get that low again. I don't think I have that kind of will power anymore, now that I've gone through this summer binging and eating I'm so used to that now, I don't think I'd be able to starve myself down to a bag of bones again. I just don't think I could force myself through it, no matter how much I'd want to. If I had things my way I would be in the Groundhog Day situation on a day when I weighed 79lbs, that would be my perfect scenario. But that's not going to happen. I know it, I guess I accept it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I'd give anything for it. Pathetic, I know. But right now, it's all I can think of that I want: the freedom to eat everything with no consequences whatsoever, no permanent damage or change, just wake up the next morning with things exactly as they were before.
I'm so sick of this. Oh well, three more days and then I leave for Abilene. I pray I find some purpose there.

Good Day

I woke up today ready to let myself eat any way I wanted. I didn’t tell myself to try to eat a certain way because if I do that I feel like it’s a commitment, and if I make a commitment I feel so paranoid that I won’t be able to keep it and I just end up thinking so much about it and feeling anxious about it that I end up losing any control. So I don’t make promises to myself anymore so that I don’t feel the pressure and the anxiety to keep them. So I woke up telling myself that no matter what I do, it would be ok. And so I was able to go through the whole morning without eating or drinking anything without feeling deprived or even thinking about food, and so I went to my nutritionist empty, which I always do so that she gets as accurate a weight as possible, though she doesn’t tell me what the number is, and I don’t want to know because I don’t want to think about the numbers at all anymore. Ever. And if I had my way no one would ever know my weight ever again, but whatever.
Anyway, I went to my appointment even though I really didn’t want to, because I didn’t, and haven’t, felt like I need someone to be keeping track of my weight or my eating. I don’t like her criticizing my eating or telling me how I should be eating or what I should be eating, I really don’t have any intention of changing my eating for her or anyone else. I am going to eat how I want and that’s that. If I happen to eventually want to eat the “balanced” meals etc that she wants me to, then I will, but only because I want to and choose to, not because SHE wants me to.
Well, at the session we ended up talking, like we usually do, but today I actually enjoyed talking to her. Not sure why, exactly, but I felt more open about how I felt. It’s hard to express. I guess I felt like a real person, like I had emotions again, and someone to share them with when I needed to. A lot of the time I feel an emotion, but only when I’m alone and there’s no one around to physically share it with, so it makes me feel like it’s lost and doesn’t exist, and then I don’t exist either, like I’m not real. I don’t know. Anyway, we talked about what college is going to be like, what I want to be as a person, what I want to be defined as, what makes me happy, you know, self-discovery kind of stuff. I liked that. Somehow we then ended up talking about being too thin, and I said stuff like, “I know it’s stupid, but it’s not fair that these runway models are allowed to be as thin as they are, but someone like me can be bigger than them and would still need to have intensive in-patient treatment. It’s ridiculous! I feel like if I can be as big as I am and have people think I need treatment that these model girls should be forced the same treatment! Why do they get to flaunt their thinness but I have to be ‘cured’ from mine?” And I mean, it’s not like I don’t think society is sick for letting these models be so thin and for advertising their thinness as beautiful. I hate it, but I also know that I have a piece inside of me that buys into it and wants to be that thin, and it’s that part that is jealous of the girls that get to be thin and resents the people that want me to get treatment. I don’t think I’m thin anymore. I have always felt like I was never in so bad a condition that in-patient treatment was necessary, but Kathy (my nutritionist) said that she had a patient not too long ago who was 10-15 pounds heavier than I am go to an in-patient facility and get fed with tubes. She said if I went to the Remuda Ranch (the in-patient place) today, that they would feed me through a tube, too. That boggles my mind, I don’t feel like that is necessary at all. There are girls who are in much worse shape than I am and they don’t get fed through tubes. It feels like that is overreacting, or overkill, or whatever. She also said I look emaciated. I thought I did when I weighed 79lbs, but not anymore. I feel full and curvy, bulky even. But hearing her say that made me feel better about myself because it made me feel like it’s still ok for me to keep gaining weight. When I was binging last week I just felt so bad because it felt like I had gained too much weight and that I had become fat and gross or whatever, but if even after all the binging I’ve done she still thinks I look “emaciated”, it makes me feel like I haven’t completely lost myself, like even though I lost myself for a while in the mindless binging it didn’t cause me to turn into something I didn’t want to be overnight. I still have a chance to be healthy and have a healthy relationship with food without having to work backward from being overweight. And it also makes me feel like if I do lose control and binge every now and then that it will still be ok, that I still won’t get overweight overnight, and that’s a comforting thought.
Well, after the appointment I felt good, kind of lighthearted, and then I went to pick up Elisa from driver’s ed. Then we came home and I had lunch, and in the middle of it I got a call from my boss who asked if I was available to come into work. I was, and I gratefully left to go work, because I had no clue what I was going to do the rest of the day after I had eaten. So I worked from 1:30 to 5, and got $6.97 in tips (woohoo!), but then mom called and asked me to rent a movie (Blockbuster is right next door to the Baskin Robbins I work at) for the night, so I spent $4.65 there, and I don’t know if mom is going to pay me back. But one thing that really made me feel good today was this one woman who came in: as she was paying for her ice cream she said, “You have a very pretty face. Your bright eyes and nice lips, you just have really angelic features.” It was the sweetest thing a stranger has ever said to me, that I can remember anyway. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her kind words, and let her know how badly I needed to hear that because I haven’t felt pretty at all this last week. I wanted to tell her so much, tell her that she must have been sent from God because that timing was just too perfect, but for some reason I didn’t. And she left before I got to go in front of the counter where I could have gone up to her at her table. I just really wanted to thank her, she has no idea how much she helped me out. Oh well…
Well, after I rented the movies I came home and watched Ratatouille and One Night With The King with mom. The movies ended at 11, and so now here I am at 12:25AM, and I have work later from 1-4PM.
That’s pretty much it. I think today was a good day. I feel calm, and good, and I was able to keep busy most of the day so my thoughts weren’t bored and trapped and all over the place like they are when I’m bored and alone. Hope tomorrow is a good day too.
For now I guess I’ll try to get some sleep…

Dad Brings Peace

I woke up this morning hoping I would have enough self-control to not binge today like I have been prone to doing every other day this week, but on my way to pick up Elisa from driver’s ed, I felt like something in me was ready to give up again (like I have been doing every other day this week). I go to bed hoping that tomorrow will be different, that I will be able to make it through the day without giving in to the binge; I wake up hoping the same thing, but then it seems like inevitably I will just give in, telling myself that I’d rather be doing this than depriving myself again. After all, I shouldn’t care about it anyway; if I want to eat I should let myself. So I rationalize myself into letting myself eat, but then I end up eating more than I need to, and I try hard not to feel guilty about it, but I get worried that I’ll feel bad for being fat even though now when I’m thin before I eat it’s easy to convince myself in that moment that I wouldn’t mind being fat, because it’s easy to believe being fat wouldn’t be so bad when I can enjoy the feeling of being thin AND eating as if I was fat. After I eat, I get worried that I will actually BECOME fat and not be able to believe that I will be ok with it, like I can believe now, being thin.
Anyway, the past four days I have been waking up hoping to be able to keep myself from binging, but I would end up being alone in the house and with no one around and nothing to do, I would end up going to the kitchen and finding something to eat: whole wheat flour, smoothies, soymilk, cereal, fruit, tomatoes, pancakes, waffles, dough, all of which is pretty much me just mixing the whole wheat flour or heart smart bisquick with soymilk and eating the dough before I make the pancakes or waffles. I get so lost in the eating, no feeling or anything, just the motion, like a routine. It gave me something to do to forget that I felt lonely or claustrophobic. For an hour or two I was occupied, my body was moving and doing something, not just sitting and feeling bored. But within that hour or two I would manage to eat maybe 5000 calories, and I would realize that I could keep going if I let myself, and something would make me decide to move on and try to do something else. Somehow, I’m not sure how I managed to do that. I’m grateful I was though, because I know I could have easily kept eating.
Well, today would have been the fifth day in a row for me to binge alone at home if I hadn’t called dad after Elisa left to go babysitting. While she was eating lunch I was in the kitchen, planning out what all I was going to binge on. I had gone to bed last night and woken up this morning hoping that I could make it through the day without binging, but on the way to pick Elisa up I was already talking myself into giving up and letting myself binge. I got home feeling the dull hunger that comes not from real hunger but from the routine, the motion of eating. Well, I was even pulling out the flour and bisquick while Elisa was leaving, and even deciding that I wouldn’t mind driving to Kroger just to make sure that I could get EXACTLY the foods I would want, so that I wouldn’t have to “settle” for binging on foods I didn’t really want. I had everything prepared in my mind, everything ready to tell myself that I would rather binge than deprive, that I shouldn’t worry about getting fat, but something made me call dad instead. I put back the bisquick and flour, and just talked to him for about an hour. And now, I’m glad I did. I don’t feel the mindless urge to binge or eat at all. I feel like, maybe I can actually finish the day without binging. I made it over the “allotted hour” when I would usually binge alone in the house. Maybe I can make it. Maybe. There’s still time for it all to end, but I don’t know, maybe I can do it.
But even if I don’t, talking to dad gave me so much peace in my mind and heart. Hearing him say “You’re still thin,” made me believe it. No one else makes me believe that I’m thin except him, and no one makes me feel at peace in my soul the way he does. I think it made me really realize that I eat because I want him. After talking to him, the binge desire was completely gone. And I know yesterday when I cried my heart out to God, I was sobbing, “I’m so lonely, I want to be loved!” And I knew who I wanted to be loved by. I feel so lonely, and I know that the only person who makes that loneliness go away is my dad. He’s the only one I have ever been COMPLETELY comfortable with. And when I’m with him, I feel like life is ok, like I’m ok, like everything is going to be ok, no matter what. I feel like I can accept myself when I’m with him. He completes me in a way that I can’t explain. When I’m with him I feel like I don’t have to compare myself to anyone because I’ve found someone who accepts me as I am. I know God does that too, and that He is with me at all times, but somehow it feels more “real” when I’m with dad. I know I should be able to feel that way even when I’m not with him, but I’m not at that point yet. I need him, I love him so much, and I know that he loves me, and somehow everything he says strikes deep into me and feels real, in a way that nothing else anyone else says does. He can say something, and I believe it with all my heart, I cling to it, and that’s why I love being with him, because he says things that I want to believe.
When I’m in the middle of a binge I don’t want to “get better”, I want to stay mired in it. When I’m going to bed, I want to “get better”. Other times during the day I vacillate between wanting to be better, wanting to stay a binger, wanting to be thin, wanting to be fat, wanting to be average, it’s all there mixing together and taking control of my mind at different times. But somehow dad is able to make me peaceful and comfortable with myself. You know, maybe he’s my soul mate. And maybe soul mates don’t necessarily have to be romantic relationships, maybe they are just relationships that make you feel complete, make you feel like you know who you are. He makes me feel that way. I miss him. I love him. I don’t know why I am the way I am or what got me here, but I know that I love the peace I get when I’m with dad more than anything else.

Choice Makes Misery

You know, I guess I just keep hoping that some day I will look in the mirror and actually like what I see, or actually, that I will be back to the way I was when I DID like what I saw, back when I was thin, or that I will actually believe what I want to believe: that I don’t want to care what I look like at all. I wish that I never had to know what I looked like. That’s one of the hardest things about this whole thing: I wish I could just be fat and get it over with, I want to be, but the fact that I COULD be thin, that I HAVE been thin, that I know if I was allowed to be and had the will I could be thin, kills me. I wouldn’t mind being big if I knew I couldn’t help it, if I knew there was nothing I could do to be different. But I know that I am capable of being thin and that knowledge is constantly getting in the way of me just letting go. I know I have the power to be thin, but I wish I didn’t. If I was one of those people who was big no matter what they did or how hard they tried, I could embrace it and enjoy life despite of it. But I can’t because I know that if I so choose, I can be thin, so it’s hard to embrace being different because I feel like I could only embrace that if I was helpless or hopeless, if I didn’t have a choice. If how I was forced me to be that way then I would be that way and accept it, but I’m not that way, I can be thin, I can choose to be big or small, and that makes it difficult to make the choice for myself. I liked how I was when I was thin, I felt beautiful, and I was comfortable in my body, I didn’t take up any space and all of my clothes were really baggy and loose. I felt like nothing, I wasn’t in anyone’s way, I was small, and I felt like a girl for the first time. I wasn’t trying to be beautiful for anyone, I just wanted to be that way for myself, and now it has been taken away from me, but it was forced on me by other people, and so I know that the power is still in me to be thin again if I choose to be. But I don’t want that, I wish I was just fat and that was how I would always be no matter what, that way I wouldn’t have to struggle or try to be thin, I could just know that that’s how I am and accept it, then I could eat whatever or however I wanted and not worry about gaining weight or being big since I would already be big. But with me right now, I know it’s my choice what size I am, and that frustrates me, because I want to be thin, but I also DON’T want to be, and those two sides are constantly fighting in my head, and I get so crazy sometimes because I don’t know who I am or what I want or what I think. Right now I’m at a point where I’m not thin and not big, and I hate it. I don’t like being average, I want to be an extreme. I want my clothes to be baggy again, I was more comfortable that way. And I liked how I looked when I was thin, I actually felt GOOD about my appearance, I was confident. I know that was stupid and misguided, but it was the first time I ever felt GOOD about myself, and I wish I had it back. I don’t feel pretty anymore, and I don’t know why that matters since I never care about what other people think and I’m not trying to attract anyone or make someone fall in love with me or be someone’s fantasy or anything. I guess it just felt good to think that if I saw myself on the street I would want to look like me. I feel like I was only pretty when I was thin. Any other way I don’t feel like a girl, I don’t feel pretty. I feel like I have nothing to offer. Not that I had much to offer when I was thin either, but now I don’t even feel confident in myself, so I feel like less of a person when I can’t even love myself the way I want to. I keep trying to convince myself that I can be happy in any size, but it’s so hard to believe it when I have only been happy when I was thin, and it kills me to know that I could be that way again if I tried, because then I will always have that voice in my head that will tell me to be that way again, and I don’t want to be, I don’t think I do… I wish I could be thin without being the miserable person I was. I was absolutely miserable, I hated my personality, but I felt good about how I looked, and that was some kind of balance. Now I feel miserable AND hate how I look, so now I am just super miserable. I wish I could disappear in a hole and forget the world outside exists, forget all about looks and weight and that junk. It doesn’t matter anyway, but it’s so hard to choose for myself something different. I admire pretty much every other girl besides me because they all look like girls, no matter what size they are. It seems like every girl except me can be pretty at any size except me. It’s so hard for me to accept myself if I’m not thin. And I don’t know why. I can’t find any explanation for it. All I know is that I feel so frustrated inside because I want to feel confident, I want to feel pretty, I want to like myself and how I look; I want to be thin; at the same time I don’t want to be thin and be proud of being thin; at the same time I want to be helplessly fat so I can enjoy eating without feeling guilty; at the same time I wish I had a unique condition where I could eat all I wanted and never gain an ounce. I’m so crazy, miserably helpless. I want school to start because I don’t feel this way when I have projects to work on. It’s only when I have free time that all this stuff goes on in my head. If I have something else to focus on, it all goes away. Why won’t summer end????