Pants

Here's a new maxim I want to adopt:
You were not made to fit into pants, pants were made to fit on you.
I don't want to be concerned about what size I fit into, no one should be thinking, "Oh if only I could fit into size _!" People should be thinking, "I need to find a pair of pants that fits ME the way I like." That's what clothes are for, to fit US, not us to fit THEM!
I bring this up because I need a pair of black slacks to wear when I'm working, and I don't have any, so mom went to Kohl's and bought a pair for me. But she told me they are size 3s and I have been stressing out ever since she told me because I'm worried that I've been gaining so much weight that they won't fit, and if they don't that will just make me so depressed. The gaining weight thing alone I don't mind, it's the needing new clothes that would bother me. Everyone has this notion of me that I'm still so small and thin, and so if they buy me clothes they might buy me size smalls, but I'm trying to NOT be small anymore! And this is what I was always worried about, is people's ideas about me needing to change. Everyone always thinks of me now and thinks, "Wow, she's so thin!" But I'm not anymore, and I hate that people need to change that view because I always liked people being able to think that about me. But I'm not thin, and I'm only going to get bigger from now on. I'm not "the skinny girl" anymore, as painful as that is for me. But what's REALLY painful is when I get new clothes that people expect to be able to fit me but they don't because they're too small, but people bought a small size because that's how they picture me. I hate that people will have to change their picture of me. I wanted to stay thin forever so that that picture would never have to change. But I'm different, and still changing, and it's scary. I want to be able to fit into size 0 again and size extra small, because that's how I feel others see me, and it's how I want to be seen. But I don't, and I can't get that way again, it just isn't going to happen, so I have to get people to know that I'm not thin anymore so that I don't get any clothes that won't fit and will make me depressed. I wish I really could just see clothes sizes as a way to judge which would fit me best, not as a determinant for how happy I am. It's ridiculous, but it hurts so much to know that I've let myself go and I can't fit into a size 0 and have it be baggy anymore. I hate it. I wish I was dying sometimes just so that I could enjoy the last few weeks of my life and know that the end was soon, that I would never have to be miserable again. Somehow, knowing that I was going to die would make me so much more at peace with myself. I would know I wouldn't have to put up with the world much longer and could live my last days however I wanted without a care. Wow, that's really sad. Oh well.