Painful Cry

I don't know what to say. I'm debating whether or not I want to actually post this. I don't know. I will anyway. I don't want to keep this to myself.
I really wanted to kill myself just now. I wanted to just die. And there was nothing out of the ordinary to make me think that, I just did, and I felt so confident about it. It's dumb, but I wanted to die by overdosing on food. I wanted to just eat so much that my body couldn't handle it and just somehow shut down and died. I wanted that so much, I even tried. I started eating as much and as fast as I could, but I had to stop, I got just too full. I wanted to make myself so sick that I died. I wanted it so badly. I just didn't want to live anymore. I didn't feel anything about life or living. I didn't want to deal with school or life at all anymore. I don't know how I feel right now, just kind of drained emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I want to shut down. I really just want to give up on life. I don't think I'm ready for life. I'm too warped, and I'm scared of failure. I don't want to face anything anymore, I just want to cry, and die, and forget everything. I'm scared of going to sleep because it means I'll wake up to tomorrow, to a day I don't want to exist. I just want to scream. I want to smash something. I'm screaming inside but on the outside I'm silent, walking to every class, going through the motions, not seeing any point to it all. I've decided that if my grades slip and I lose my scholarship I'm going to quit college. I'm not TRYING to make my grades fall, I just feel like they might. I don't know, I have no confidence. I have nothing really. I just want to sleep and never wake up. That's all there is to it, I'm lost. And I want to cry but the tears never come out all the way. I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I want to scream but my voice isn't there. I'm just here, but I don't feel alive. I don't feel anything. And it made me want to kill myself just a few minutes ago. What am I doing here?? Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?? What do I really have to offer to anybody!?!?! I hate myself!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely abhor myself and life!!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!
Dad, please call me, whenever you read this, please call me...