Nothing really to post, just a thought I had.
I've decided I'm not really attracted to people who have an ego. I'm drawn more to the people who think very little of themselves, who are quiet and self-effacing, who don't think they are worth much, who don't speak out very much, that kind of thing. I feel like I can get more personal with them, I feel like I can offer them something, like I can help build them or make them complete, like I can be the person to say the good things about them that they can't make themselves say. If people are full of themselves, what do they need me for? If they know they are good and talk about things they are good at, then it feels like they don't need a relationship with me. If someone is happy without me, what do they need me for? But if someone is unhappy, then it feels like I can help them and that they NEED me. I guess in the end that's what I want, to feel needed, and I feel like I'm not needed if someone is already a happy person or a confident person, and especially if they are proud or conceited.
Another thing. I love Richard, he's an awesome guy, he just has a few things that bug me. You know me, I'm pretty mellow, I don't tend to be shocked or excited about a lot of things, but this guy, he's ALWAYS loud and trying to get me excited, and I don't know, the more he does it, the more I tend to resist getting excited. He's always telling me so many ideas that he has that he gets excited about, and I don't know, I'm just not a very excitable person, and somehow I get annoyed when people - anybody - try to excite me. And lately he's started saying "Come play with me," which is just a saying of his, but it's weird to me. It sounds like a creepy predator telling some little kid to come out so he can mess with him, and that's just me, it's what it sounds like to me, and it weirds me out, lol. And he's always so loud and happy, always laughing and talking on and on and on, lol. And a lot of the time when he talks he's saying things he has already said, or saying stuff I already know, but saying it as if I don't know it, and that annoys me (it annoys me when ANYONE does that). And then there are the times when instead of trying to excite me he tries to shock me by telling me something really bad that has happened, and I don't know, I guess I've just gotten numb because nothing surprises me and nothing shocks me. I mean, that doesn't mean I'm not touched or hurt by the bad things I hear about, it just isn't anything I haven't heard before, so I'm not like, "GASP! NO WAY!" about it. It's more like just one more dig into a hole that's already a mile deep. But he'll always stare at me for about 5 seconds after he says something like that, and I guess he's waiting for that kind of reaction, but all I do is nod my head, and then he'll keep pushing his point, like nodding really emphatically and saying, "Yeah!" as if he thinks I don't really understand what he's saying, but I do, I just don't react the same way I would if it was the first time I had heard awful stories. And I feel bad about it, really, but at the same time I get annoyed when people try to stimulate me like that. I know, it's a personal problem, and I'm not saying it to be mean to Richard or anything, I think he's an awesome guy and he definitely has a spiritual gift in evangelism, I just had to get some of this stuff off my chest. There are times when I just get really annoyed with people because it feels like they are trying to get a reaction out of me, and out of some kind of dumb rebellion I resist giving it to them. I resent it when people try to excite me or shock me or impress me or tell me stuff I already know as if I don't know it. Like last night, Richard and I were talking about my research paper about food in America, and he started going on about how unhealthy everything is, and I was just sitting there thinking, "Uh, yeah, duh, I KNOW that, quit acting like you're the expert here." And I would even say, "Yeah, I know," after every point he said, but he kept going on to his next points, talking as if he was teaching me something. It was really offensive. I know he doesn't mean for it to be that way, I just take that kind of thing personally. When people talk like that I feel like they think I'm ignorant or dumb or something. If I'm sitting there and saying, "Yeah, I know," every ten seconds, I would hope that the person talking would take the hint, but most don't, and it just really grates on me. But I don't want to offend THEM by getting mad or anything.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I have Bible class in half an hour, then after that I'm going over to Richard's house to work, and I'll probably spend the night tonight and Saturday night, so that should be fun. ^_^ I'll also be doing research and working on my Psychology case study and speech for Communication. So much to do, but isn't there always? lol
Love you guys!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Been Really Busy
Wow, what to say... has it really only been a week since my last post? Since my birthday? It feels like so much longer.
Mom and Elisa came to visit: they were here from 4:30 on Friday until 11:20AM on Saturday. They didn't stay nearly as long as they had planned because we all found out that I had to work all day on Saturday. Lunch and dinner at the Bean. Ugh. Luckily, however, it was my last day, so it was bearable, lol. I quit my job at the Bean because Brother Richard gave me a job so that we could be together more and this way I can help out with the church and all his ideas of reaching out to the college students. I'm also really happy now because I found out that the Bean is going to be open until 8pm from now on instead of 7pm, so I would have been working an extra hour if I had stayed. But I was sad that it worked out that way, I would have loved to hang out with them more. It wasn't until after they left that I felt how much I missed them.
So I worked most of Saturday, then Sunday I went to church with Brother Richard, came back and did homework stuff. Then I worked from 4:30 to 7 (oh, so I guess Sunday was my last day, ignore what I said earlier about Saturday...), and then went to the first ACU Summit lecture from 7 to 8. I got chapel credit for it, and Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have all had three opportunities to get extra chapel credits by attending Summit lectures. Basically these lectures are sermons and class lectures combined together with a message on a section of Romans (this year's theme is Romans), and their interesting. I didn't go to two of them today, but I went to all the others (so 8 out of 10). Whenever I haven't been at Summit, I have been studying, or researching, or writing, or working with Richard, or sleeping. I've been so busy this last week! It feels like Friday night right now, but no, it's Thursday tomorrow, gotta get up at 7:40 for Biology. But that's ok. I don't mind Biology.
I think I will like my new job with Richard because I don't have to work on the weekends, so I can have my weekends back to do work for school that I couldn't get done during the week. Maybe one of these weekends I'll spend the night at Richard's house, that would be fun.
Oh yeah, and for my volunteer service, I'm thinking I'll go to the retirement home right across the street on Monday nights. I think I only need 5 more hours, so that's good.
What else... oh, I miss talking to dad, and mom, and Elisa. But I haven't had time to think about it much, let alone actually call. Sigh. I actually need to be doing more research, and getting started on my first speech for communication. But I wanted to take a short break to put an update on here so people know I'm not dead. Far from it. I'm buzzed and buzzing, kind of exhausted but not really, more like on a roll that doesn't want to stop.
Ugh, I don't want to do research... I think I'll just go ahead and call dad, and maybe get to tell everyone else at Grandma's house hi.
Love you all! Good night!
Mom and Elisa came to visit: they were here from 4:30 on Friday until 11:20AM on Saturday. They didn't stay nearly as long as they had planned because we all found out that I had to work all day on Saturday. Lunch and dinner at the Bean. Ugh. Luckily, however, it was my last day, so it was bearable, lol. I quit my job at the Bean because Brother Richard gave me a job so that we could be together more and this way I can help out with the church and all his ideas of reaching out to the college students. I'm also really happy now because I found out that the Bean is going to be open until 8pm from now on instead of 7pm, so I would have been working an extra hour if I had stayed. But I was sad that it worked out that way, I would have loved to hang out with them more. It wasn't until after they left that I felt how much I missed them.
So I worked most of Saturday, then Sunday I went to church with Brother Richard, came back and did homework stuff. Then I worked from 4:30 to 7 (oh, so I guess Sunday was my last day, ignore what I said earlier about Saturday...), and then went to the first ACU Summit lecture from 7 to 8. I got chapel credit for it, and Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have all had three opportunities to get extra chapel credits by attending Summit lectures. Basically these lectures are sermons and class lectures combined together with a message on a section of Romans (this year's theme is Romans), and their interesting. I didn't go to two of them today, but I went to all the others (so 8 out of 10). Whenever I haven't been at Summit, I have been studying, or researching, or writing, or working with Richard, or sleeping. I've been so busy this last week! It feels like Friday night right now, but no, it's Thursday tomorrow, gotta get up at 7:40 for Biology. But that's ok. I don't mind Biology.
I think I will like my new job with Richard because I don't have to work on the weekends, so I can have my weekends back to do work for school that I couldn't get done during the week. Maybe one of these weekends I'll spend the night at Richard's house, that would be fun.
Oh yeah, and for my volunteer service, I'm thinking I'll go to the retirement home right across the street on Monday nights. I think I only need 5 more hours, so that's good.
What else... oh, I miss talking to dad, and mom, and Elisa. But I haven't had time to think about it much, let alone actually call. Sigh. I actually need to be doing more research, and getting started on my first speech for communication. But I wanted to take a short break to put an update on here so people know I'm not dead. Far from it. I'm buzzed and buzzing, kind of exhausted but not really, more like on a roll that doesn't want to stop.
Ugh, I don't want to do research... I think I'll just go ahead and call dad, and maybe get to tell everyone else at Grandma's house hi.
Love you all! Good night!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Birthday!
So I'm 19 today, cool! It doesn't feel like anything (I've really stopped expecting a new age to feel any different from the previous, lol). I don't feel like a number. The age and me just don't seem connected anymore, but hey, it's fun to celebrate anyway. ^_^
I had a really good time last night hanging out with Richard at his house. He picked me up at 5:30 and I stayed at his house until 11:30. I got to meet his 14 year old daughter Brenna and his son Joshua (who turned 17 today, we share the same birthday ^_^) and his 12 year old son Jared, I think. He was so sweet, he had all sorts of veggies for me, a pack or smart dogs and whole wheat buns, salsa, fiber one cereal and soy milk, and diet Dr. Pepper. He had chocolate cake for everyone else, lol, but we had a great time just talking and getting to know each other. He is such a talker and a joker, and he told me a lot about his life like his divorce and how badly his ex-wife treated his kids. And also I cleaned his kitchen and reorganized his cabinets and washed his dishes that were piled in the sink. He told me "Mi casa es tu casa" (because he's Hispanic) and I told him, (in Spanish) "Well if it's my house too, I want it to be clean!" because he was like, "Girl, you don't need to be cleaning around!" I told him I love to do it, it makes me happy. And we also talked a lot about just ways we've been blessed by God, what our dreams are, and we worked on flyers to hang up around school about the church and youth meetings, and that was fun. And he kept telling me, "You are such a blessing, I can tell God has big plans for you." And he was very impressed/proud of me for wanting to be celibate my whole life because he knows a LOT of youth who are already sexually active, and he's working hard to teach them the importance of waiting for marriage. He also kept telling me that I was welcome at his house any time, any day, for any reason. The door is always open to me, make myself at home. I can't believe how open he is, I feel so welcome. It was funny, while I was organizing he said, "So I've got your paperwork all ready."
I turned to him and said, "Paperwork? For what?"
He said, "To adopt you."
Lol! It was funny. I love him, he's a great guy. It's too bad that service to the church wouldn't count for my required 10 hours for my Honors Cornerstone class. I already have 5 hours down, but I would have loved to get credit for church volunteering; it would have been extra incentive.
Well for my birthday Richard gave me a new toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, pens, and a BUNCH of spiral notebooks, because I told him those were things that I needed. I'm more of a necessities person, so it was perfect.
Then he took me back to the dorm so I was back before curfew (midnight). When I got to the third floor, some of the other girls were out in the lounge doing homework, and they all told me, "Stay up for 15 more minutes so we can wish you a happy birthday!"
So I did, lol. And at midnight all the girls who were there sang "Happy Birthday", which was really sweet. Then I went to bed.
Then I woke up and went to Psychology, then to Cornerstone. At the end of that class, Austin (a really nice guy in class) said he had an announcement, and said that it was my birthday, and so they all needed to embarrass me by singing Happy Birthday. So he gave me a card that everyone in class had signed, and then proceeded to get the class to join him in song. It was so sweeeeet!! I started tearing up when I looked at the card and all the signatures. I've never gotten a card like that...
Well then I went to Chapel and it was then that I listened to a voicemail message in which my mom was singing Happy Birthday to me, which was really nice to hear. I'm glad she's doing ok back home even without electricity.
After Chapel I had about an hour to myself before I went to Bible class. I checked my mail and saw that I had a package from my Aunt Lora, which was a cool book about the top 10 choices you make in life that decide if your life will be worthwhile or not. Then I went to Bible, where again the whole class sang Happy Birthday to me (birthdays only come once a year, so you have to take all the times people sing it for you that you can get!). Then I got to read the text for the day, which was Mark chapter 4 which is the parable of the sower. The weird thing was that in my Bible that chapter was on page 917 (you know, like the date), lol. It was also nice because we went outside for class, so I got to read standing by the statue of Jacob's Dream with the breeze and the sun and the sounds of nature and running water all around. It was cool. ^_^
After that I just started doing random things like reading, studying, answering birthday emails and walking around, etc. Now I'm kind of hungry but I'm trying to wait for my friend Ashley (the RA) to come around because I know she's got some stuff she wants to give me and might want to hang out or something.
Anyway, I've had a really pleasant birthday so far. I've been feeling so blessed getting all these messages and letters and cards and emails and songs and calls and just people walking by saying "Happy Birthday" as we walk past each other. I don't know if I've ever felt so loved and welcomed by so many people who I just met. It's a great feeling. I love the girls in my dorm, this whole school just feels like a family community. I never want to leave, I just love it so much here.
I had a really good time last night hanging out with Richard at his house. He picked me up at 5:30 and I stayed at his house until 11:30. I got to meet his 14 year old daughter Brenna and his son Joshua (who turned 17 today, we share the same birthday ^_^) and his 12 year old son Jared, I think. He was so sweet, he had all sorts of veggies for me, a pack or smart dogs and whole wheat buns, salsa, fiber one cereal and soy milk, and diet Dr. Pepper. He had chocolate cake for everyone else, lol, but we had a great time just talking and getting to know each other. He is such a talker and a joker, and he told me a lot about his life like his divorce and how badly his ex-wife treated his kids. And also I cleaned his kitchen and reorganized his cabinets and washed his dishes that were piled in the sink. He told me "Mi casa es tu casa" (because he's Hispanic) and I told him, (in Spanish) "Well if it's my house too, I want it to be clean!" because he was like, "Girl, you don't need to be cleaning around!" I told him I love to do it, it makes me happy. And we also talked a lot about just ways we've been blessed by God, what our dreams are, and we worked on flyers to hang up around school about the church and youth meetings, and that was fun. And he kept telling me, "You are such a blessing, I can tell God has big plans for you." And he was very impressed/proud of me for wanting to be celibate my whole life because he knows a LOT of youth who are already sexually active, and he's working hard to teach them the importance of waiting for marriage. He also kept telling me that I was welcome at his house any time, any day, for any reason. The door is always open to me, make myself at home. I can't believe how open he is, I feel so welcome. It was funny, while I was organizing he said, "So I've got your paperwork all ready."
I turned to him and said, "Paperwork? For what?"
He said, "To adopt you."
Lol! It was funny. I love him, he's a great guy. It's too bad that service to the church wouldn't count for my required 10 hours for my Honors Cornerstone class. I already have 5 hours down, but I would have loved to get credit for church volunteering; it would have been extra incentive.
Well for my birthday Richard gave me a new toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, pens, and a BUNCH of spiral notebooks, because I told him those were things that I needed. I'm more of a necessities person, so it was perfect.
Then he took me back to the dorm so I was back before curfew (midnight). When I got to the third floor, some of the other girls were out in the lounge doing homework, and they all told me, "Stay up for 15 more minutes so we can wish you a happy birthday!"
So I did, lol. And at midnight all the girls who were there sang "Happy Birthday", which was really sweet. Then I went to bed.
Then I woke up and went to Psychology, then to Cornerstone. At the end of that class, Austin (a really nice guy in class) said he had an announcement, and said that it was my birthday, and so they all needed to embarrass me by singing Happy Birthday. So he gave me a card that everyone in class had signed, and then proceeded to get the class to join him in song. It was so sweeeeet!! I started tearing up when I looked at the card and all the signatures. I've never gotten a card like that...
Well then I went to Chapel and it was then that I listened to a voicemail message in which my mom was singing Happy Birthday to me, which was really nice to hear. I'm glad she's doing ok back home even without electricity.
After Chapel I had about an hour to myself before I went to Bible class. I checked my mail and saw that I had a package from my Aunt Lora, which was a cool book about the top 10 choices you make in life that decide if your life will be worthwhile or not. Then I went to Bible, where again the whole class sang Happy Birthday to me (birthdays only come once a year, so you have to take all the times people sing it for you that you can get!). Then I got to read the text for the day, which was Mark chapter 4 which is the parable of the sower. The weird thing was that in my Bible that chapter was on page 917 (you know, like the date), lol. It was also nice because we went outside for class, so I got to read standing by the statue of Jacob's Dream with the breeze and the sun and the sounds of nature and running water all around. It was cool. ^_^
After that I just started doing random things like reading, studying, answering birthday emails and walking around, etc. Now I'm kind of hungry but I'm trying to wait for my friend Ashley (the RA) to come around because I know she's got some stuff she wants to give me and might want to hang out or something.
Anyway, I've had a really pleasant birthday so far. I've been feeling so blessed getting all these messages and letters and cards and emails and songs and calls and just people walking by saying "Happy Birthday" as we walk past each other. I don't know if I've ever felt so loved and welcomed by so many people who I just met. It's a great feeling. I love the girls in my dorm, this whole school just feels like a family community. I never want to leave, I just love it so much here.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Quick Weekend
Let's see, here's a quick review of my weekend:
Saturday: wake up at 8, go to service project from 8:30-12 - was supposed to visit the elderly at the Convalescent Center, but the coordinator wasn't there so we weren't allowed, so we went to the lake to pick up trash instead.
Lunch with some friends (Sarah, Jodi, and Erin, then again with Bonnie, her boyfriend Brad, and Ben from my Bible class).
Then to Walmart with Bonnie.
Worked until 7:30.
Rode my bike around for a little while until it got dark.
Went to Walmart again with Mary so we could drop off a lot of the recycling. I started a recycle collection in my dorm hall for bottles and cans and glass and paper and cardboard and all that stuff, and luckily I found the recycle center is really conveniently located at Walmart, so, yay!
Went to sleep.
Sunday:
Wake up at 8, then go to Spanish service from 8:40 to 10:30.
Work 11-3:15. Sunday lunch service scared me a little because there were so many people just from the public coming in, so I had to deal with a lot of checks and credit cards and cash, and I was ringing things up wrong sometimes because people would forget to tell me that they get a discount before I had hit "charge" so I was worried that there would be money missing in the end, but I was SO THRILLED because when I went back and counted everything, it was all there. All the mistakes and the actual money added up right, so nothing was missing. Everything was counted for, yay!! And it was my first time at the register by myself. I was so proud. ^_^
Then I went to my dorm for an hour and a half or so to study a little, then went back to work from 4:30 to 7:15.
Then I met in the library with my little group from Honors Cornerstone to prepare for our discussion in class tomorrow until almost 10. Then I went to Walmart again just to hang out with some girls until about 10:50. Now I'm back in my dorm and I'm not tired so I'm going to take this opportunity to get some studying done because I have tests coming up next week, so I want to get reading and studying done at every opportunity.
Love you guys!
Oh and John, I have gotten all of your messages, it's just never convenient to call you back, so I'm sorry about that. Love you though!
Until next time...
Saturday: wake up at 8, go to service project from 8:30-12 - was supposed to visit the elderly at the Convalescent Center, but the coordinator wasn't there so we weren't allowed, so we went to the lake to pick up trash instead.
Lunch with some friends (Sarah, Jodi, and Erin, then again with Bonnie, her boyfriend Brad, and Ben from my Bible class).
Then to Walmart with Bonnie.
Worked until 7:30.
Rode my bike around for a little while until it got dark.
Went to Walmart again with Mary so we could drop off a lot of the recycling. I started a recycle collection in my dorm hall for bottles and cans and glass and paper and cardboard and all that stuff, and luckily I found the recycle center is really conveniently located at Walmart, so, yay!
Went to sleep.
Sunday:
Wake up at 8, then go to Spanish service from 8:40 to 10:30.
Work 11-3:15. Sunday lunch service scared me a little because there were so many people just from the public coming in, so I had to deal with a lot of checks and credit cards and cash, and I was ringing things up wrong sometimes because people would forget to tell me that they get a discount before I had hit "charge" so I was worried that there would be money missing in the end, but I was SO THRILLED because when I went back and counted everything, it was all there. All the mistakes and the actual money added up right, so nothing was missing. Everything was counted for, yay!! And it was my first time at the register by myself. I was so proud. ^_^
Then I went to my dorm for an hour and a half or so to study a little, then went back to work from 4:30 to 7:15.
Then I met in the library with my little group from Honors Cornerstone to prepare for our discussion in class tomorrow until almost 10. Then I went to Walmart again just to hang out with some girls until about 10:50. Now I'm back in my dorm and I'm not tired so I'm going to take this opportunity to get some studying done because I have tests coming up next week, so I want to get reading and studying done at every opportunity.
Love you guys!
Oh and John, I have gotten all of your messages, it's just never convenient to call you back, so I'm sorry about that. Love you though!
Until next time...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Psychologist Appointment
So I went ahead and had my appointment with the psychologist this morning. Luckily I didn't run into the nurse while I was there. The psychologist was a really nice guy, easy to talk to, very understanding. I told him that I didn't think I needed to be there and that I didn't appreciate the nurse making me feel like I was being forced to see a counselor. I told him about things that had happened over the summer and how I was not about to go back to starving myself, and I told him that I was surprised that anyone would have been able to look at me now and think that I might have had an eating disorder. He told me that if someone told him to go around campus and point out people he thought might have an eating disorder, I would be one of them, of a small group. Then he asked me a series of questions that were a test for diagnosing an eating disorder I guess, stuff like "Have you wanted to hurt yourself or anyone else recently," "When was your last period," "Do you feel hungry," "Do you do any kind of purging," "Do you exercise regularly," and some other stuff that I can't remember, but he said that for the most part if I felt like I had things under control he didn't feel like he needed to force any therapy on me, but he is concerned that I don't have my periods. I've been saying honestly for a while now that that is one thing that I really like about this whole thing, it's nice to not have to deal with that. I don't care about all the medical problems that can come from that. But anyway, it was also nice when after our conversations, he said, "Well you have a lot more insight than most people who have sat on the other side of my desk," and that that was nice to hear. I like it when people tell me how insightful or mature or intelligent I am, lol. Then we closed the "meeting" with him saying that if I ever felt like I needed help that I could feel free to call him. We shook hands, and I left. So that was good and easy. I appreciated him listening to me and being honest with me, and also telling me that seeking help was up to me, as long as I wasn't in a life-threatening position. So yeah, for me, it worked out. Now I just need to avoid that nurse, lol.
Well, I'm going to be working dinner tonight, and then I have service to do tomorrow from 8-12 or so, then I'm working dinner, and in the mean time I have tests coming up to study for and reading to do, so this should be a pretty busy weekend for me. But it'll be fine. I just hope mom and Elisa and dad and GM and GP are all ok with the hurricane coming.
Until next time!
Well, I'm going to be working dinner tonight, and then I have service to do tomorrow from 8-12 or so, then I'm working dinner, and in the mean time I have tests coming up to study for and reading to do, so this should be a pretty busy weekend for me. But it'll be fine. I just hope mom and Elisa and dad and GM and GP are all ok with the hurricane coming.
Until next time!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday Drama
I guess I better write all this down so I don’t have to try to remember everything and explain it over and over.
Well, Monday night I probably only got an hour of sleep total because I was up throwing up and going to the bathroom and feeling painfully nauseous the whole time. I didn’t think I was going to survive (ironically, that had been my goal only hours earlier when I had started binging), and I was praying for it to pass. I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it to my 8am class on Tuesday, but by then I was feeling ok enough to go. I still felt disgustingly awful, but I was able to make it to class. Well then I started feeling ok, not good enough to really eat anything, but I was surviving. Eventually I went to my communication class, then later had a light dinner at the Bean, and I was able to sleep pretty soundly Tuesday night. I didn’t wake up refreshed or anything, but I slept at least.
So then it was Wednesday, and I didn’t feel 100 percent, but I was not nauseous or anything. I went to class and chapel like normal, then I ate lunch: some sandwiches and some cereal with soymilk. Then, at about 2:30, I started to feel nauseous again. I had a 3 o’clock jogging class coming up, and I was debating whether or not I felt good enough to go. As it got closer, I decided that jogging really wouldn’t help my oncoming nausea, so I went to the nurse to make sure I could get my absence excused.
I went to the clinic, they took my blood pressure, temperature, that kind of thing, asked me what was wrong, etc. Well, I sat in a room by myself for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew one of the nurses or doctors or whichever came in and asked me how I was feeling. Then after I told her, she came right out and asked, “Do you have any issues?”
I kind of stared at her for a minute, waiting for her to elaborate.
“You’re really tiny, do you have any eating issues? Do you take laxatives or make yourself throw up or anything?”
I found it very blatant and surprising, because I didn’t think that by now anyone would be able to guess that I had ever had anorexia, I’m not that thin anymore! But anyway, I ended up telling her about my history of anorexia, my lowest weight, and the help I got over the summer, and then she asked, “Who are you seeing now?”
I said no one, and she said, “You know we have counselors on campus.”
I said yeah, and before I could explain to her how I wasn’t that way anymore, she was forcing me into an appointment with the psychologist and telling me I needed to get into counseling. I was like, WHAT!?!? NO WAY! I was screaming in my head, THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE MAKING ME SEE COUNSELORS!!!!!! But I just kind of stared at her incredulously, and she just stared back, and was like, “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You know you’re sick, and only you can control it. No one can help you unless you want to be helped.”
Well DUH! And that was the whole point, I never wanted to see counselors because I never wanted to get anything from them in the first place! And why is she forcing me into counseling if she herself said that only I can control it and I can only get help if I want it? If I don’t want it, how can she think the counseling will do any good???? It just BUGS me! The point for me of getting to college was to FINALLY be at a place where I COULDN’T get forced into counseling, but this crazy nurse, the instant she sees me, assumes I’m still some starving anorexic and hurls me into counseling that I do NOT want to go to, and the thing is she made my appointment at 8 in the MORNING on FRIDAY!!!! She is trying to kill me, or at least SERIOUSLY piss me off. I hated how she just judged me, thinking that I’m still starving myself, and saying stuff like, “You only started getting help a few months ago, we’re not going to let you slip back down to what you were.” HELLOO!!! Do you think I want that either????? Do you seriously think I could force myself back down to 78lbs by now?? NO WAY! I’ve been eating way too much lately, I’m too used to it, and the idea of me not being able to eat as much as I want when I want scares me to death. I LIKE eating now!! But this lady, she doesn’t know it, she doesn’t know me, and I don’t appreciate someone who doesn’t know me just forcing me into a corner like this. I just went to the nurse because I didn’t feel good enough to go jogging! By that time I was wishing I had just gone to class!!
Anyway, the same nurse told me that she wanted me to go to the ER because I was bloated and dehydrated. So she got Ashley to give me a ride down to the ER. Before I left, she was like, “Are you mad at me?” I said, honestly, yes, and she said, “But you’ll get over it, right?” I shrugged. Then she was like, “Well, are we friends?” I said, “We would be if you weren’t making me go to therapy.” She kind of laughed and said, “You’ll be thankful,” and I’m sitting there thinking, “Not bloody likely,” and she looked me in the eye and was like, “Some part of you in there is thankful.” And I’m just on fire inside, screaming, “You don’t know me!! You don’t have any right to judge me like that! I don’t flipping need therapy and I shouldn’t have to deal with you or a freaking 8am appointment if I don’t want to! Get out of my face you judging ignorant woman!”
But then she left, and Ashley arrived, and we went to the ER, which I ALSO didn’t want to do. But I ended up signing in anyway. They took me in the back, put me in a room, and it was then that I got a call from Richard from the New Life Temple Church (the Spanish service church that I visited). He asked me how I was and I told him I was in the hospital, and he was like, “WHAT? Girl, what room are you in? Give me 20 minutes I’ll be right over.” I was like, whoa, that was unexpected. He hung up, and what do you know, about 20 minutes later he was there.
After he got there the nurse took some blood, and an hour later came back with the results saying that I was dehydrated, but I refused an IV. I just couldn’t handle that. No way, no how. But then I got some x-rays of my chest and abdomen, and they said that I had a lot of gas and constipation, but that was it, really. By then I was feeling better anyway, so they discharged me, and I got to leave at around 10:30, after having signed in at about 5:30.
Then Richard, being a generous Christian sweetheart, took me to Walmart and bought for me a bunch of drinks to help keep me hydrated, and then brought me back to the dorm. He was with me for like 5 hours! From the hospital back to the dorm. And honestly I was so thankful, because I would have been bored out of my mind if I had been alone. We talked a lot about the Bible and God’s miracles and the church and family and stuff we like to do and health and weather (it’s raining like crazy here because of the hurricane season). He’s a great guy, I like him a lot.
Oh, and just a side note, I learned of two different people today who have the same birthdate as I do: the daughter of one of the school nurses whose name is Kaylee who will be turning one on the 17th, and Richard’s son who will be turning 17. Just kind of cool.
So anyway, overall today was really annoying mostly. I really am not very fond of that one nurse. I know she thinks she’s doing the right thing, and I’m sure that it would be good for her to be so assertive for anyone else who had been like me so recently, but I am so over it! And I’m just bothered by the whole thing. So, assuming that I manage to wake up in time for the appointment, I’m hoping the psychologist will say, “Ok, you’re fine, don’t need to see you anymore,” or something similar. I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is to be stressing out about having to keep appointments along with everything else, especially if I don’t want to go. That’s the thing, EVERYONE keeps telling me how great therapy can be, how stress-relieving counseling can be and how it can help you so much. Yeah, whatever, I know for a fact that it can if you are WILLING and WANT it to help, but I DON’T!! I would do just about anything to NOT have to see a counselor, and people just don’t GET that!! It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me how good it would be for me, I DO NOT WANT TO GET COUNSELING!!!!!! JEEZ!!!
So anyway, that’s my day, the highlights of it anyway. The best news is I got home before curfew (even though it didn’t really matter since Ashley knew where I was) and will get to go about my normal business tomorrow.
Ok, maybe I should try to get some sleep since I have class in the morning. Biology, fun. Although, I like my professor, he’s really nice, and he knows my name!
K, goodnight all, love and peace!
Well, Monday night I probably only got an hour of sleep total because I was up throwing up and going to the bathroom and feeling painfully nauseous the whole time. I didn’t think I was going to survive (ironically, that had been my goal only hours earlier when I had started binging), and I was praying for it to pass. I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it to my 8am class on Tuesday, but by then I was feeling ok enough to go. I still felt disgustingly awful, but I was able to make it to class. Well then I started feeling ok, not good enough to really eat anything, but I was surviving. Eventually I went to my communication class, then later had a light dinner at the Bean, and I was able to sleep pretty soundly Tuesday night. I didn’t wake up refreshed or anything, but I slept at least.
So then it was Wednesday, and I didn’t feel 100 percent, but I was not nauseous or anything. I went to class and chapel like normal, then I ate lunch: some sandwiches and some cereal with soymilk. Then, at about 2:30, I started to feel nauseous again. I had a 3 o’clock jogging class coming up, and I was debating whether or not I felt good enough to go. As it got closer, I decided that jogging really wouldn’t help my oncoming nausea, so I went to the nurse to make sure I could get my absence excused.
I went to the clinic, they took my blood pressure, temperature, that kind of thing, asked me what was wrong, etc. Well, I sat in a room by myself for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew one of the nurses or doctors or whichever came in and asked me how I was feeling. Then after I told her, she came right out and asked, “Do you have any issues?”
I kind of stared at her for a minute, waiting for her to elaborate.
“You’re really tiny, do you have any eating issues? Do you take laxatives or make yourself throw up or anything?”
I found it very blatant and surprising, because I didn’t think that by now anyone would be able to guess that I had ever had anorexia, I’m not that thin anymore! But anyway, I ended up telling her about my history of anorexia, my lowest weight, and the help I got over the summer, and then she asked, “Who are you seeing now?”
I said no one, and she said, “You know we have counselors on campus.”
I said yeah, and before I could explain to her how I wasn’t that way anymore, she was forcing me into an appointment with the psychologist and telling me I needed to get into counseling. I was like, WHAT!?!? NO WAY! I was screaming in my head, THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE MAKING ME SEE COUNSELORS!!!!!! But I just kind of stared at her incredulously, and she just stared back, and was like, “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You know you’re sick, and only you can control it. No one can help you unless you want to be helped.”
Well DUH! And that was the whole point, I never wanted to see counselors because I never wanted to get anything from them in the first place! And why is she forcing me into counseling if she herself said that only I can control it and I can only get help if I want it? If I don’t want it, how can she think the counseling will do any good???? It just BUGS me! The point for me of getting to college was to FINALLY be at a place where I COULDN’T get forced into counseling, but this crazy nurse, the instant she sees me, assumes I’m still some starving anorexic and hurls me into counseling that I do NOT want to go to, and the thing is she made my appointment at 8 in the MORNING on FRIDAY!!!! She is trying to kill me, or at least SERIOUSLY piss me off. I hated how she just judged me, thinking that I’m still starving myself, and saying stuff like, “You only started getting help a few months ago, we’re not going to let you slip back down to what you were.” HELLOO!!! Do you think I want that either????? Do you seriously think I could force myself back down to 78lbs by now?? NO WAY! I’ve been eating way too much lately, I’m too used to it, and the idea of me not being able to eat as much as I want when I want scares me to death. I LIKE eating now!! But this lady, she doesn’t know it, she doesn’t know me, and I don’t appreciate someone who doesn’t know me just forcing me into a corner like this. I just went to the nurse because I didn’t feel good enough to go jogging! By that time I was wishing I had just gone to class!!
Anyway, the same nurse told me that she wanted me to go to the ER because I was bloated and dehydrated. So she got Ashley to give me a ride down to the ER. Before I left, she was like, “Are you mad at me?” I said, honestly, yes, and she said, “But you’ll get over it, right?” I shrugged. Then she was like, “Well, are we friends?” I said, “We would be if you weren’t making me go to therapy.” She kind of laughed and said, “You’ll be thankful,” and I’m sitting there thinking, “Not bloody likely,” and she looked me in the eye and was like, “Some part of you in there is thankful.” And I’m just on fire inside, screaming, “You don’t know me!! You don’t have any right to judge me like that! I don’t flipping need therapy and I shouldn’t have to deal with you or a freaking 8am appointment if I don’t want to! Get out of my face you judging ignorant woman!”
But then she left, and Ashley arrived, and we went to the ER, which I ALSO didn’t want to do. But I ended up signing in anyway. They took me in the back, put me in a room, and it was then that I got a call from Richard from the New Life Temple Church (the Spanish service church that I visited). He asked me how I was and I told him I was in the hospital, and he was like, “WHAT? Girl, what room are you in? Give me 20 minutes I’ll be right over.” I was like, whoa, that was unexpected. He hung up, and what do you know, about 20 minutes later he was there.
After he got there the nurse took some blood, and an hour later came back with the results saying that I was dehydrated, but I refused an IV. I just couldn’t handle that. No way, no how. But then I got some x-rays of my chest and abdomen, and they said that I had a lot of gas and constipation, but that was it, really. By then I was feeling better anyway, so they discharged me, and I got to leave at around 10:30, after having signed in at about 5:30.
Then Richard, being a generous Christian sweetheart, took me to Walmart and bought for me a bunch of drinks to help keep me hydrated, and then brought me back to the dorm. He was with me for like 5 hours! From the hospital back to the dorm. And honestly I was so thankful, because I would have been bored out of my mind if I had been alone. We talked a lot about the Bible and God’s miracles and the church and family and stuff we like to do and health and weather (it’s raining like crazy here because of the hurricane season). He’s a great guy, I like him a lot.
Oh, and just a side note, I learned of two different people today who have the same birthdate as I do: the daughter of one of the school nurses whose name is Kaylee who will be turning one on the 17th, and Richard’s son who will be turning 17. Just kind of cool.
So anyway, overall today was really annoying mostly. I really am not very fond of that one nurse. I know she thinks she’s doing the right thing, and I’m sure that it would be good for her to be so assertive for anyone else who had been like me so recently, but I am so over it! And I’m just bothered by the whole thing. So, assuming that I manage to wake up in time for the appointment, I’m hoping the psychologist will say, “Ok, you’re fine, don’t need to see you anymore,” or something similar. I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is to be stressing out about having to keep appointments along with everything else, especially if I don’t want to go. That’s the thing, EVERYONE keeps telling me how great therapy can be, how stress-relieving counseling can be and how it can help you so much. Yeah, whatever, I know for a fact that it can if you are WILLING and WANT it to help, but I DON’T!! I would do just about anything to NOT have to see a counselor, and people just don’t GET that!! It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me how good it would be for me, I DO NOT WANT TO GET COUNSELING!!!!!! JEEZ!!!
So anyway, that’s my day, the highlights of it anyway. The best news is I got home before curfew (even though it didn’t really matter since Ashley knew where I was) and will get to go about my normal business tomorrow.
Ok, maybe I should try to get some sleep since I have class in the morning. Biology, fun. Although, I like my professor, he’s really nice, and he knows my name!
K, goodnight all, love and peace!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thank You
Hey, just a message to say that, thankfully, I was able to talk to dad for about 40 minutes after I posted my last blog and it really made me feel better. It didn't make the problems go away, but it made them easier to face. And then after I hung up with him, my Residential Assistant (RA) Ashley, who happens to be my next door neighbor, came by asking if everything was all right, and we ended up talking for maybe half an hor or so, and that helped too. She's really cool and understanding, I like her a lot. But anyway, I just didn't want to leave that last post there without a note saying that I'm feeling not so down anymore. Praise God. ^_^ Love you all, good night!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Painful Cry
I don't know what to say. I'm debating whether or not I want to actually post this. I don't know. I will anyway. I don't want to keep this to myself.
I really wanted to kill myself just now. I wanted to just die. And there was nothing out of the ordinary to make me think that, I just did, and I felt so confident about it. It's dumb, but I wanted to die by overdosing on food. I wanted to just eat so much that my body couldn't handle it and just somehow shut down and died. I wanted that so much, I even tried. I started eating as much and as fast as I could, but I had to stop, I got just too full. I wanted to make myself so sick that I died. I wanted it so badly. I just didn't want to live anymore. I didn't feel anything about life or living. I didn't want to deal with school or life at all anymore. I don't know how I feel right now, just kind of drained emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I want to shut down. I really just want to give up on life. I don't think I'm ready for life. I'm too warped, and I'm scared of failure. I don't want to face anything anymore, I just want to cry, and die, and forget everything. I'm scared of going to sleep because it means I'll wake up to tomorrow, to a day I don't want to exist. I just want to scream. I want to smash something. I'm screaming inside but on the outside I'm silent, walking to every class, going through the motions, not seeing any point to it all. I've decided that if my grades slip and I lose my scholarship I'm going to quit college. I'm not TRYING to make my grades fall, I just feel like they might. I don't know, I have no confidence. I have nothing really. I just want to sleep and never wake up. That's all there is to it, I'm lost. And I want to cry but the tears never come out all the way. I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I want to scream but my voice isn't there. I'm just here, but I don't feel alive. I don't feel anything. And it made me want to kill myself just a few minutes ago. What am I doing here?? Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?? What do I really have to offer to anybody!?!?! I hate myself!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely abhor myself and life!!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!
Dad, please call me, whenever you read this, please call me...
I really wanted to kill myself just now. I wanted to just die. And there was nothing out of the ordinary to make me think that, I just did, and I felt so confident about it. It's dumb, but I wanted to die by overdosing on food. I wanted to just eat so much that my body couldn't handle it and just somehow shut down and died. I wanted that so much, I even tried. I started eating as much and as fast as I could, but I had to stop, I got just too full. I wanted to make myself so sick that I died. I wanted it so badly. I just didn't want to live anymore. I didn't feel anything about life or living. I didn't want to deal with school or life at all anymore. I don't know how I feel right now, just kind of drained emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I want to shut down. I really just want to give up on life. I don't think I'm ready for life. I'm too warped, and I'm scared of failure. I don't want to face anything anymore, I just want to cry, and die, and forget everything. I'm scared of going to sleep because it means I'll wake up to tomorrow, to a day I don't want to exist. I just want to scream. I want to smash something. I'm screaming inside but on the outside I'm silent, walking to every class, going through the motions, not seeing any point to it all. I've decided that if my grades slip and I lose my scholarship I'm going to quit college. I'm not TRYING to make my grades fall, I just feel like they might. I don't know, I have no confidence. I have nothing really. I just want to sleep and never wake up. That's all there is to it, I'm lost. And I want to cry but the tears never come out all the way. I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I want to scream but my voice isn't there. I'm just here, but I don't feel alive. I don't feel anything. And it made me want to kill myself just a few minutes ago. What am I doing here?? Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?? What do I really have to offer to anybody!?!?! I hate myself!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely abhor myself and life!!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!
Dad, please call me, whenever you read this, please call me...
Friday, September 5, 2008
Pants
Here's a new maxim I want to adopt:
You were not made to fit into pants, pants were made to fit on you.
I don't want to be concerned about what size I fit into, no one should be thinking, "Oh if only I could fit into size _!" People should be thinking, "I need to find a pair of pants that fits ME the way I like." That's what clothes are for, to fit US, not us to fit THEM!
I bring this up because I need a pair of black slacks to wear when I'm working, and I don't have any, so mom went to Kohl's and bought a pair for me. But she told me they are size 3s and I have been stressing out ever since she told me because I'm worried that I've been gaining so much weight that they won't fit, and if they don't that will just make me so depressed. The gaining weight thing alone I don't mind, it's the needing new clothes that would bother me. Everyone has this notion of me that I'm still so small and thin, and so if they buy me clothes they might buy me size smalls, but I'm trying to NOT be small anymore! And this is what I was always worried about, is people's ideas about me needing to change. Everyone always thinks of me now and thinks, "Wow, she's so thin!" But I'm not anymore, and I hate that people need to change that view because I always liked people being able to think that about me. But I'm not thin, and I'm only going to get bigger from now on. I'm not "the skinny girl" anymore, as painful as that is for me. But what's REALLY painful is when I get new clothes that people expect to be able to fit me but they don't because they're too small, but people bought a small size because that's how they picture me. I hate that people will have to change their picture of me. I wanted to stay thin forever so that that picture would never have to change. But I'm different, and still changing, and it's scary. I want to be able to fit into size 0 again and size extra small, because that's how I feel others see me, and it's how I want to be seen. But I don't, and I can't get that way again, it just isn't going to happen, so I have to get people to know that I'm not thin anymore so that I don't get any clothes that won't fit and will make me depressed. I wish I really could just see clothes sizes as a way to judge which would fit me best, not as a determinant for how happy I am. It's ridiculous, but it hurts so much to know that I've let myself go and I can't fit into a size 0 and have it be baggy anymore. I hate it. I wish I was dying sometimes just so that I could enjoy the last few weeks of my life and know that the end was soon, that I would never have to be miserable again. Somehow, knowing that I was going to die would make me so much more at peace with myself. I would know I wouldn't have to put up with the world much longer and could live my last days however I wanted without a care. Wow, that's really sad. Oh well.
You were not made to fit into pants, pants were made to fit on you.
I don't want to be concerned about what size I fit into, no one should be thinking, "Oh if only I could fit into size _!" People should be thinking, "I need to find a pair of pants that fits ME the way I like." That's what clothes are for, to fit US, not us to fit THEM!
I bring this up because I need a pair of black slacks to wear when I'm working, and I don't have any, so mom went to Kohl's and bought a pair for me. But she told me they are size 3s and I have been stressing out ever since she told me because I'm worried that I've been gaining so much weight that they won't fit, and if they don't that will just make me so depressed. The gaining weight thing alone I don't mind, it's the needing new clothes that would bother me. Everyone has this notion of me that I'm still so small and thin, and so if they buy me clothes they might buy me size smalls, but I'm trying to NOT be small anymore! And this is what I was always worried about, is people's ideas about me needing to change. Everyone always thinks of me now and thinks, "Wow, she's so thin!" But I'm not anymore, and I hate that people need to change that view because I always liked people being able to think that about me. But I'm not thin, and I'm only going to get bigger from now on. I'm not "the skinny girl" anymore, as painful as that is for me. But what's REALLY painful is when I get new clothes that people expect to be able to fit me but they don't because they're too small, but people bought a small size because that's how they picture me. I hate that people will have to change their picture of me. I wanted to stay thin forever so that that picture would never have to change. But I'm different, and still changing, and it's scary. I want to be able to fit into size 0 again and size extra small, because that's how I feel others see me, and it's how I want to be seen. But I don't, and I can't get that way again, it just isn't going to happen, so I have to get people to know that I'm not thin anymore so that I don't get any clothes that won't fit and will make me depressed. I wish I really could just see clothes sizes as a way to judge which would fit me best, not as a determinant for how happy I am. It's ridiculous, but it hurts so much to know that I've let myself go and I can't fit into a size 0 and have it be baggy anymore. I hate it. I wish I was dying sometimes just so that I could enjoy the last few weeks of my life and know that the end was soon, that I would never have to be miserable again. Somehow, knowing that I was going to die would make me so much more at peace with myself. I would know I wouldn't have to put up with the world much longer and could live my last days however I wanted without a care. Wow, that's really sad. Oh well.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
New Job
Well, I started my job at the Bean today: I'm a cashier! I liked the cashier-ing part, it's pretty simple just swiping everyone's cards, then counting the money. It's even better than working at Baskin Robbins! But as usual I don't like the cleaning up part at the end, the sweeping and mopping. And I wasn't expecting to work as long as I did. I was told I'd be done before 8, but I ended up leaving at 8:30 because I told the supervisor that I had homework to do (which I will do after I post this). Hopefully I won't be doing shifts of much longer than 3 hours, except maybe if it's on a weekend. I don't know, I'm still trying to get a feel for timing on everything. But for a first day I worked from 4 to 8:30, and my official pay is $7.25 an hour, so overall it's not bad at all. But like I said, my MAIN priority is studying and doing well in my classes, so in the end I probably won't work very much, which is fine.
Anyway, that's pretty much it, so I'm going to get down to my homework: reading and taking the quiz online over the chapter, then researching for my paper. My plan is to write about food and culture (in America), the history of it, how and why it changed, and what it could mean for the future. Should be fun to research and write about. That kind of stuff just interests me. ^_^
Peace, love, and blessings!
Anyway, that's pretty much it, so I'm going to get down to my homework: reading and taking the quiz online over the chapter, then researching for my paper. My plan is to write about food and culture (in America), the history of it, how and why it changed, and what it could mean for the future. Should be fun to research and write about. That kind of stuff just interests me. ^_^
Peace, love, and blessings!
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