Wednesday Drama

I guess I better write all this down so I don’t have to try to remember everything and explain it over and over.
Well, Monday night I probably only got an hour of sleep total because I was up throwing up and going to the bathroom and feeling painfully nauseous the whole time. I didn’t think I was going to survive (ironically, that had been my goal only hours earlier when I had started binging), and I was praying for it to pass. I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it to my 8am class on Tuesday, but by then I was feeling ok enough to go. I still felt disgustingly awful, but I was able to make it to class. Well then I started feeling ok, not good enough to really eat anything, but I was surviving. Eventually I went to my communication class, then later had a light dinner at the Bean, and I was able to sleep pretty soundly Tuesday night. I didn’t wake up refreshed or anything, but I slept at least.
So then it was Wednesday, and I didn’t feel 100 percent, but I was not nauseous or anything. I went to class and chapel like normal, then I ate lunch: some sandwiches and some cereal with soymilk. Then, at about 2:30, I started to feel nauseous again. I had a 3 o’clock jogging class coming up, and I was debating whether or not I felt good enough to go. As it got closer, I decided that jogging really wouldn’t help my oncoming nausea, so I went to the nurse to make sure I could get my absence excused.
I went to the clinic, they took my blood pressure, temperature, that kind of thing, asked me what was wrong, etc. Well, I sat in a room by myself for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew one of the nurses or doctors or whichever came in and asked me how I was feeling. Then after I told her, she came right out and asked, “Do you have any issues?”
I kind of stared at her for a minute, waiting for her to elaborate.
“You’re really tiny, do you have any eating issues? Do you take laxatives or make yourself throw up or anything?”
I found it very blatant and surprising, because I didn’t think that by now anyone would be able to guess that I had ever had anorexia, I’m not that thin anymore! But anyway, I ended up telling her about my history of anorexia, my lowest weight, and the help I got over the summer, and then she asked, “Who are you seeing now?”
I said no one, and she said, “You know we have counselors on campus.”
I said yeah, and before I could explain to her how I wasn’t that way anymore, she was forcing me into an appointment with the psychologist and telling me I needed to get into counseling. I was like, WHAT!?!? NO WAY! I was screaming in my head, THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE MAKING ME SEE COUNSELORS!!!!!! But I just kind of stared at her incredulously, and she just stared back, and was like, “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You know you’re sick, and only you can control it. No one can help you unless you want to be helped.”
Well DUH! And that was the whole point, I never wanted to see counselors because I never wanted to get anything from them in the first place! And why is she forcing me into counseling if she herself said that only I can control it and I can only get help if I want it? If I don’t want it, how can she think the counseling will do any good???? It just BUGS me! The point for me of getting to college was to FINALLY be at a place where I COULDN’T get forced into counseling, but this crazy nurse, the instant she sees me, assumes I’m still some starving anorexic and hurls me into counseling that I do NOT want to go to, and the thing is she made my appointment at 8 in the MORNING on FRIDAY!!!! She is trying to kill me, or at least SERIOUSLY piss me off. I hated how she just judged me, thinking that I’m still starving myself, and saying stuff like, “You only started getting help a few months ago, we’re not going to let you slip back down to what you were.” HELLOO!!! Do you think I want that either????? Do you seriously think I could force myself back down to 78lbs by now?? NO WAY! I’ve been eating way too much lately, I’m too used to it, and the idea of me not being able to eat as much as I want when I want scares me to death. I LIKE eating now!! But this lady, she doesn’t know it, she doesn’t know me, and I don’t appreciate someone who doesn’t know me just forcing me into a corner like this. I just went to the nurse because I didn’t feel good enough to go jogging! By that time I was wishing I had just gone to class!!
Anyway, the same nurse told me that she wanted me to go to the ER because I was bloated and dehydrated. So she got Ashley to give me a ride down to the ER. Before I left, she was like, “Are you mad at me?” I said, honestly, yes, and she said, “But you’ll get over it, right?” I shrugged. Then she was like, “Well, are we friends?” I said, “We would be if you weren’t making me go to therapy.” She kind of laughed and said, “You’ll be thankful,” and I’m sitting there thinking, “Not bloody likely,” and she looked me in the eye and was like, “Some part of you in there is thankful.” And I’m just on fire inside, screaming, “You don’t know me!! You don’t have any right to judge me like that! I don’t flipping need therapy and I shouldn’t have to deal with you or a freaking 8am appointment if I don’t want to! Get out of my face you judging ignorant woman!”
But then she left, and Ashley arrived, and we went to the ER, which I ALSO didn’t want to do. But I ended up signing in anyway. They took me in the back, put me in a room, and it was then that I got a call from Richard from the New Life Temple Church (the Spanish service church that I visited). He asked me how I was and I told him I was in the hospital, and he was like, “WHAT? Girl, what room are you in? Give me 20 minutes I’ll be right over.” I was like, whoa, that was unexpected. He hung up, and what do you know, about 20 minutes later he was there.
After he got there the nurse took some blood, and an hour later came back with the results saying that I was dehydrated, but I refused an IV. I just couldn’t handle that. No way, no how. But then I got some x-rays of my chest and abdomen, and they said that I had a lot of gas and constipation, but that was it, really. By then I was feeling better anyway, so they discharged me, and I got to leave at around 10:30, after having signed in at about 5:30.
Then Richard, being a generous Christian sweetheart, took me to Walmart and bought for me a bunch of drinks to help keep me hydrated, and then brought me back to the dorm. He was with me for like 5 hours! From the hospital back to the dorm. And honestly I was so thankful, because I would have been bored out of my mind if I had been alone. We talked a lot about the Bible and God’s miracles and the church and family and stuff we like to do and health and weather (it’s raining like crazy here because of the hurricane season). He’s a great guy, I like him a lot.
Oh, and just a side note, I learned of two different people today who have the same birthdate as I do: the daughter of one of the school nurses whose name is Kaylee who will be turning one on the 17th, and Richard’s son who will be turning 17. Just kind of cool.
So anyway, overall today was really annoying mostly. I really am not very fond of that one nurse. I know she thinks she’s doing the right thing, and I’m sure that it would be good for her to be so assertive for anyone else who had been like me so recently, but I am so over it! And I’m just bothered by the whole thing. So, assuming that I manage to wake up in time for the appointment, I’m hoping the psychologist will say, “Ok, you’re fine, don’t need to see you anymore,” or something similar. I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is to be stressing out about having to keep appointments along with everything else, especially if I don’t want to go. That’s the thing, EVERYONE keeps telling me how great therapy can be, how stress-relieving counseling can be and how it can help you so much. Yeah, whatever, I know for a fact that it can if you are WILLING and WANT it to help, but I DON’T!! I would do just about anything to NOT have to see a counselor, and people just don’t GET that!! It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me how good it would be for me, I DO NOT WANT TO GET COUNSELING!!!!!! JEEZ!!!
So anyway, that’s my day, the highlights of it anyway. The best news is I got home before curfew (even though it didn’t really matter since Ashley knew where I was) and will get to go about my normal business tomorrow.
Ok, maybe I should try to get some sleep since I have class in the morning. Biology, fun. Although, I like my professor, he’s really nice, and he knows my name!
K, goodnight all, love and peace!