Prayer Trouble

For a long while now I’ve been having some trouble starting prayer. I don’t know, I can’t get the energy or motivation to pray. I think about praying a lot, but for some reason it feels like “too much effort” to just START the prayer. It’s like there is a wall that I keep running into when I think about prayer. I get to this point where I want to pray, but I can’t do it. It’s hard to explain, it’s like running into glass. I can picture myself praying, visualize it, but I can’t get into the position or mind/heart-frame to actually pray. And sometimes if I start it kind of falls away while I’m praying, like my mouth and mind just stop working and the whole prayer fades away. It’s so frustrating! And then there are times where I want to pray so badly but I can’t think of anything to say. And I know that God knows my heart and sees what’s going on inside of me – all the emotion that’s there – but I want to be able to put those emotions into words, if not for God then for me. I want to be able to express my prayers to myself. But sometimes my thoughts and emotions are just too overwhelming that I can’t speak them. So at that point I just sit still and visualize myself falling face down at the feet of the Lord, crying and screaming without really speaking, just expressing my joy or pain or whatever just in this place where it’s just me and God and He understands everything. Sometimes I physically just fall down while I imagine this, imagine myself in the visible presence of God and just giving everything in me to Him in worship, and that helps, and I know He can hear that, which is good because I am such a quiet person; it’s hard for me to raise my voice or be loud at all, so I’m so thankful God sees my heart. But these times when I can’t get the momentum of prayer going, that’s hard to deal with. I find myself “unable” to think of something to pray, or just so cloudy in my mind that I can’t think of anything at all. I WANT to be able to pray, I want to glorify God, but a lot of the time if feels like there is some kind of fuzz penetrating me that prevents me from doing it, or like I am running into a wall that has no door. Sometimes I think I need to listen to someone else pray first to get me started. Maybe I should record myself praying when I get in the mood so that I can have it handy and listen to it when I can’t get started, and that way I can also have my own recording of the things I am thankful for. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll do that eventually.

Thoughts, Life & Lifestyle, Money, Stress

I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days, maybe week, and I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like having a lot of stuff. I mean, I've known that for a long time, but I hadn't decided for sure that I could LIVE a lifestyle that was as minimalist as I was imagining. I don't watch TV, which means I don't need to buy one or own one or pay for the electricity to run it. I don't watch movies so I don't need to own those either. All of my music is on my computer so I don't need CDs. I don't need to own books because I can always go to a library or look stuff up online (because afterall, I don't tend to reread things). The only exception to that is my Bible: I definitely like having a Bible at hand and in my hands, and I definitely do reread it. But most of the "important" stuff is in my computer, so I guess as long as I have a place to plug it in I'm set. I could probably live without a phone because of instant messaging, email, and Skype. It might be a little less convenient than a phone, but seriously, the world does not need to revolve around convenience. And I'm not a fashion girl so I don't care about clothes or shopping, or makeup, so I'm not burdened down by needing to own a lot of that stuff. And I don't like driving, so I could live with walking or a bike, or at the most a moped, but I'd really like to avoid having to deal with car insurance, repairs and checkups, gas and government fees that come with owning a vehicle. That kind of stuff gets annoying really. And since I really don't go very many places, I don't really NEED to have a car. I actually like staying put: it's the people around me that make a place interesting, and with people of the world connected through the internet, it seems to me like I could be happy anywhere. Ideally I would love to live close to my mom and dad (I have a feeling my sister is the traveling type so I can't base my location on hers), maybe even move back to The Woodlands after I graduate. But another strange thing I have discovered is that I might actually be interested in living in New York, which is crazy because for my whole life I have been saying that I would DIE if I had to live in New York. I used to hate the idea of living in a huge, busy city, the idea of being one in a population of however many million, but that is where many of the publishing companies are that I might be interested in working for, so I have been playing with the idea of being there permanently. But for many years now I have been very anxious about money, and I worry a lot about whether in my future I will have enough to sustain myself. That is one of the (many) reasons I do not want to get married or have children, or pets because then I would not be responsible for just myself but for my family. I would have to MAKE SURE that I have a stable income to support the people depending on me, and I can't handle that responsibility. I only want to be responsible for myself. I can't handle any more added pressure than that. High school was bad enough when I stressed out about making SURE I got all 5s on my AP tests, got the National Merit Scholarship, got a high GPA and etc. I did everything to make sure I was able to get into a good college and afford it, which worked wonderfully and God has blessed me richly with my experience at ACU so far and I know even greater experiences are yet to come. But my whole motivation was MONEY. I didn't want my parents to feel burdened about paying for college (even though they always said I didn't have to worry about that, I still do), and I didn't want to feel like if they couldn't afford my school that I would have to pay for it myself because I was scared I would never have the money to pay for it, and I HATED (and still hate) the idea of being in debt or having to pay student loans. I just...I can't stand the idea of being in the negative, which is one of the many many why I live such a frugal lifestyle. The less I spend - and the less I desire to buy STUFF - the less likely I will fall into debt. So the key for me is to not desire things. If I don't have desire, I don't want to buy, and if I don't want to buy I don't need money to buy, and if I don't need money to buy then I don't need to get a big fancy high-paying job. (Sounds pretty Buddhist, doesn't it? lol) I can be happy and satisfied with a minimal job that pays me enough money to get by. And I don't have to worry about getting the high-paying job in order to support a family. It just gives me so much relief to think about this simple lifestyle. The less I have, the happier I am. I try to be as simple as possible, and I find that if I ever take something that is offered to me, I start thinking of who I can give it to. I figure mostly, if I have a place to sleep, a place to plug in my laptop and get internet (an offer at many restaurants and coffee shops and grocery stores these days), a place to bathe and brush my teeth, I can get by pretty happily. For now I think that is my minimum. Of course, I'll also need a place to get vegan food, but you can find that anywhere now. I suppose ideally I would like to be close to a Whole Foods, which they have in NY, but that of course is by no means the only place. And I figure if that's all I need, I can live a pretty cheap life, which is very comforting to me. Maybe I'd be able to room with a bunch of other people who think like me and we can split the cost to an easy price for all of us. And I'm also thinking that if I don't have to worry about making a lot of money to live, I will have more time to dedicate to community service or non-profit organizations or whatnot. I'm not looking to be a bum, I'm looking to have less of a stressful burden on my head that lets me explore the world and find my place in the community without the annoying requirement of money. I hate how it seems there is a minimum requirement of income for a person to live in America and be considered "normal". It seems like there are so many fees and bills and taxes and payments for food, housing, insurance, clothes, water and electricity, phone, internet, etc that a person just HAS to take into account when they consider how much money they need to make in order to just "get by". I HATE that, it stresses me out to the point of depression, anxiety and tears. I want to avoid that stuff as much as possible, and I'll do just about anything to avoid it. I'll give up whatever it takes, seriously. I just want to feel like I'm a productive member of the community and a productive follower of Christ, and I just don't feel like living my life to make money in order to pay for all these so-called "necessary" aspects of the American life is a part of the life I want to live. It's not. So I plan my future pretty much around being homeless so that if it comes to that I am mentally prepared to live that way. And after this week of deep contemplation, I've come to the conclusion that I could, and that is such a great comfort and relief to me to know that I would be willing to do that. It makes me feel free to make a lot of different choices without worrying about money. You can't put a price on the relief this feeling gives me. And after all, Jesus said that the Son of Man has no place to rest his head, so if he could live the wandering life, I figure I should be able to also.

Acapella

As you are all well aware, I absolutely LOVE my school. Part of me is sad to leave for the summer just because I'm so used to it here, but I'm also excited to see my family again soon. Well anyway, ACU is a Church of Christ affiliated school so they do not believe in using instruments for worship which makes for an interesting experience. I'm used to it by now, and in fact I think the ACU praise team sings beautifully, which is why I just had to make a post about it. I wanted to just upload a sound recording, but apparently this blog only allows pictures and videos, so I had to make a video. The song is "As The Deer" and I love it, I can't get enough of it. ^_^ Hope you guys like it too! Love you all and God bless!

Morning, Veganism, Belief

I did not sleep well last night. I would wake up, look at the clock, roll over, and then what seemed like five seconds later I would roll over again and see that an hour had passed. That happened at least five times, at 2AM all the way to 7AM, then the last whole hour was just exhausting. No sleep, but it went by fast. So my whole night felt like a few blinks with no real sleep. I mean, I obviously must have slept, but I don't feel it at all. I know that happens a lot to people, but it's so annoying.

I can't believe there are only two weeks left of school, then a few more days for finals. I'll be home in less than three weeks! Or maybe exactly three weeks, depending on when my last final is. I'm excited, I have a bunch of vegan recipes I want to attempt when I get home! Have I mentioned how much I love being vegan? If not, I absolutely love it. ^_^ If only the food wasn't so expensive. It's so dumb, why does all the good stuff have to be more expensive than junk? If the people in charge really did care about the health of Americans, they would do something about that. But no, in reality everything here is driven by consumerism, so prices are going to reflect what people want to buy, and big companies are going to advertise in every square inch of the country that they can to encourage people to eat that food, whether or not it is bad for health or not. It just makes me mad, especially when I think about all the completely unnecessary suffering animals have to go through just for that junk food. It's just ridiculous. I can't stand the idea of eating something that had blood, or a heart, or a brain, or eating the product of another animal's mammary glands. That just sounds so... yuck *shudders* But that's my stand. I think the world would be a better place if everyone was vegan. Then again I think the world would be a better place if everyone loved Jesus and lived according to His teaching, but that's not going to happen in my lifetime. I don't want to be one of those aggressive activists for veganism or for Christianity. I want to live what I believe and talk respectfully and calmly to others about my beliefs. I want to live a life of love, compassion, hope and faith, and I think veganism and following Christ go perfectly together because of that. I'm not going to beat people over the head and try to convert them to either veganism or Christianity; I think that showing others in my lifestyle, my actions, and my character that I find the greatest pleasure in my beliefs is the best way to share the message.

(Not that I think being vegan is necessary for salvation or anything, I just think it's a great addition to being a Christian. I keep in mind what Paul said in Romans: "The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him" [14:3] "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit" [14:17]. I know he was talking to Jews and Gentiles, but I think it applies to vegans and non-vegans too. I refuse to condemn people for not being vegan (or for anything really) because it isn't my place to judge. I may be convinced that veganism is right, but that is my conviction. It isn't my place to say what is absolute truth or not. I'm not God, I'm not any kind of authority at all, so I won't judge others. I'll love everyone no matter what they eat and leave it up to God to know what is right and wrong.)

Well that was a nice way to spend the morning! I guess now I'll head over to World Literature and talk about the Mayan creation story.

I love you all! Have a blessed day!

Awesome Day

So, over the weekend, Monday, and Tuesday I was really busy:
Write a 7 page book review for World Religions
Prepare a powerpoint presentation on Feng Shui for World Religions
Write a script for a group film project in Honors Arts Seminar, and meet Mon and Tues night with said group
Create a flyer to advertise my fridge that I'm getting rid of
Write a 4 page paper on Romans
Study for my Bible test
Study for Lifetime Wellness test
Finish Walking for Fitness take-home test
Read Don Quixote and type up an LA

So, with plenty to do, I have been going non-stop for the last four days. Not only that, but I didn't have my laptop because there was something wrong with it, so I gave it to Team55 (school tech team) to look it over and they fixed it, but I didn't get it back until Monday. But anyway, I was busy over the weekend, put up my flyer in Sunday, got my computer back on Monday, turned in my Romans paper on Monday, met with my group that night after taking my Lifetime Wellness test, spent any freetime getting my settings back on my computer the way I want them (because they had to reformat it so everything was like new again). Then Tuesday came and I spent any freetime studying for my Bible test, then met with my group again that night where I showed them the script I had written-- they loved it ^_^. Then Wednesday came and I took the test that morning, gave my Feng Shui presentation after Chapel, then went to Arts where there was a class peer review over the scripts. I was nervous about that, but it turned out to be great. My teacher is the one that really intimidates me, always asking for "brilliant" responses. So he put my script up on the big screen and everyone read it, and then wrote down peer review comments. He walked over to the group to our side and said, "So what did you think?" and one of the guys was like, "It...was...AMAZING! Who wrote it??" So I raised my hand quietly, and then the teacher came over and nodded saying, "It was, really good." And I was like, OMG! He LIKED it!!!! WHOA!!!! I was totally taken aback. I mean seriously, that made everything in that whole class worth it, that moment right there, a COMPLIMENT on something I wrote, just like that, was just, whoa, omg, best day ever. And that came right after my World Religions teacher telling me I did a great job on my Feng Shui presentation. So I mean, wow, great day! And then I spent the rest of the day finishing reading Don Quixote, starting and finishing my Literary Analysis, and still getting to bed before 11PM.
So then today, Thursday, I went to English, turned in my LA, got two back that I had turned in earlier (both 5/5, yay!), and then had the rest of the day to myself because my Walking class was cancelled since tomorrow is the start of Easter break (we actually get to call it "Easter Break" here on a Christian campus, ha!). Right when class ended, I got a phone call from a girl saying she saw that I was selling my fridge and was wondering if she could come look at it! I mean, as if my day couldn't get any better! So I went to lunch with a friend, and then at 1PM I met the girl and her mom at my dorm room and showed them my fridge, and they agreed to buy it, at which point I offered my microwave as well, and they agreed to take it too! So I sold both appliances that I don't need anymore (we're going to use my roommate's next year) and that I had been wondering what the heck I was going to do with. So after that, I went to work writing my Culture Event essay for Arts class and finished it, so yay for that, and now everything is just totally chill. Amazing! God has blessed me so much this week, I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am. God has done wonderful things for me, I'm just in awe. Every good thing I get I know is from Him, but I know that no matter what happens, good or bad, I will give Him the glory. Sometimes I think all these good things happening to me now are preparing me for some big trial in the future. I feel like He wants me to feel grateful for the good now and to build me up so that I say "I will be grateful in all circumstances, good or bad" so that when I get into the bad situations I will have to remember the good things and remember what I said during them. That's what it feels like. So if that is the case, I definitely hope I am able to keep my word and keep giving Him the glory even in my struggles and trials.
Anyway, now it is a three-day weekend and I am so high on God's blessings, it's incredible. My friend Sarah let me borrow a book over the weekend so I will be reading that. Hopefully I will finish it. I know I definitely can, I just have to actually read it, and with all the time I have now (seeing as how all my busy-ness finished on Wednesday) I'm sure I will. The book is "The Parable of the Sower". I'll let you know what I think of it when I finish.
I love you all, and I pray God blesses you on this Easter holiday!!!

Romans 12 Response

In my Acts to Revelation class we are finishing Romans. While we were reading it we were divided into house churches and every person had to come up with a new first century persona in the church so that we could have a better understanding of how to read Romans and what the people who read it first would have been thinking. I was Kalandia, a slave with a background in worshiping Athena and Artemis. This was my personal response to Romans 12 (about being living sacrifices to God and how to live and love people both in and outside the church). I kinda like it.

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This idea of being a "living sacrifice" is very strange. From what I understand, our sacrifices are supposed to be killed, cut, and their blood used however a ritual requires. I thought "gods" wanted blood, or that the death was the major element. To make the sacrifice ourselves and make the sacrifice about how we live is completely different from what I am used to: it is a whole new way of thinking. I did not know that we could sacrifice ourselves while we were alive and have it still be a meaningful sacrifice (besides denial of some sort, but that does not seem as dramatic as killing a sacrificial animal), or pleasing to the god we are sacrificing ourselves to. The only way I can make that make sense is to think that while we are alive, God can work through us. If we die, we die; our lives on earth are over and we can no longer do all these good works that Paul encourages us to do. Maybe these good works are what is pleasing to God, more so than a bloody sacrifice that really seems to be of no use. A sacrificed animal is a ceremony that is focused on giving something to a god, and then after the sacrifice a person just lives for themselves until the next sacrifice. Now that I think about it, a "living sacrifice" in which we sacrifice our own wills to take on the will of God, to act with His Spirit and do His will, that seems to be much more meaningful and long-lasting than the usual sacrifice.

Wow, now that really makes Paul's advice on how to live seem much more significant: these works are our sacrifice to God! Instead of sacrificing an animal and performing a ritual, we live our daily lives sacrificing ourselves to God in order to do His "pleasing and perfect will". That is actually probably harder than the usual sacrifice, and maybe that is why Paul says we will struggle so much with sin, because we need to sacrifice our bodies to the will of God instead of to our own selfish urges. A sacrifice is a giving up of something, so doing the will of God is giving up our flesh, which will be hard while we are still living in it. But that must be where the true worship lies: in giving up what we have every day. As a slave I am no stranger to giving myself up to the will of someone else, but I always thought of it as simply doing my duty. Now I see that giving myself up to God is denying my own flesh and proving my love for God is more than my love for myself, and I can see how that would be a much more pleasing sacrifice than a bloody animal.