So my most recent song addiction is From The Inside Out by Hillsong. Here's the link to it on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwJEdo1FlMo
Love you all! I can't believe I'll be home in less than a week, so sad... I mean, it's sad to leave, not sad to be home. It'll be nice to be with my family again. I can't wait to get hugs from my parents, my sister, my grandparents (eventually), my church family, etc,...
And thank you to you who gave honest responses to my last few posts, they have given me things to consider and let me know not only that you are reading what I write but that you care, and I don't know what I would do without you. I love you all so much...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Prayer Trouble
For a long while now I’ve been having some trouble starting prayer. I don’t know, I can’t get the energy or motivation to pray. I think about praying a lot, but for some reason it feels like “too much effort” to just START the prayer. It’s like there is a wall that I keep running into when I think about prayer. I get to this point where I want to pray, but I can’t do it. It’s hard to explain, it’s like running into glass. I can picture myself praying, visualize it, but I can’t get into the position or mind/heart-frame to actually pray. And sometimes if I start it kind of falls away while I’m praying, like my mouth and mind just stop working and the whole prayer fades away. It’s so frustrating! And then there are times where I want to pray so badly but I can’t think of anything to say. And I know that God knows my heart and sees what’s going on inside of me – all the emotion that’s there – but I want to be able to put those emotions into words, if not for God then for me. I want to be able to express my prayers to myself. But sometimes my thoughts and emotions are just too overwhelming that I can’t speak them. So at that point I just sit still and visualize myself falling face down at the feet of the Lord, crying and screaming without really speaking, just expressing my joy or pain or whatever just in this place where it’s just me and God and He understands everything. Sometimes I physically just fall down while I imagine this, imagine myself in the visible presence of God and just giving everything in me to Him in worship, and that helps, and I know He can hear that, which is good because I am such a quiet person; it’s hard for me to raise my voice or be loud at all, so I’m so thankful God sees my heart. But these times when I can’t get the momentum of prayer going, that’s hard to deal with. I find myself “unable” to think of something to pray, or just so cloudy in my mind that I can’t think of anything at all. I WANT to be able to pray, I want to glorify God, but a lot of the time if feels like there is some kind of fuzz penetrating me that prevents me from doing it, or like I am running into a wall that has no door. Sometimes I think I need to listen to someone else pray first to get me started. Maybe I should record myself praying when I get in the mood so that I can have it handy and listen to it when I can’t get started, and that way I can also have my own recording of the things I am thankful for. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll do that eventually.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thoughts, Life & Lifestyle, Money, Stress
I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days, maybe week, and I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like having a lot of stuff. I mean, I've known that for a long time, but I hadn't decided for sure that I could LIVE a lifestyle that was as minimalist as I was imagining. I don't watch TV, which means I don't need to buy one or own one or pay for the electricity to run it. I don't watch movies so I don't need to own those either. All of my music is on my computer so I don't need CDs. I don't need to own books because I can always go to a library or look stuff up online (because afterall, I don't tend to reread things). The only exception to that is my Bible: I definitely like having a Bible at hand and in my hands, and I definitely do reread it. But most of the "important" stuff is in my computer, so I guess as long as I have a place to plug it in I'm set. I could probably live without a phone because of instant messaging, email, and Skype. It might be a little less convenient than a phone, but seriously, the world does not need to revolve around convenience. And I'm not a fashion girl so I don't care about clothes or shopping, or makeup, so I'm not burdened down by needing to own a lot of that stuff. And I don't like driving, so I could live with walking or a bike, or at the most a moped, but I'd really like to avoid having to deal with car insurance, repairs and checkups, gas and government fees that come with owning a vehicle. That kind of stuff gets annoying really. And since I really don't go very many places, I don't really NEED to have a car. I actually like staying put: it's the people around me that make a place interesting, and with people of the world connected through the internet, it seems to me like I could be happy anywhere. Ideally I would love to live close to my mom and dad (I have a feeling my sister is the traveling type so I can't base my location on hers), maybe even move back to The Woodlands after I graduate. But another strange thing I have discovered is that I might actually be interested in living in New York, which is crazy because for my whole life I have been saying that I would DIE if I had to live in New York. I used to hate the idea of living in a huge, busy city, the idea of being one in a population of however many million, but that is where many of the publishing companies are that I might be interested in working for, so I have been playing with the idea of being there permanently. But for many years now I have been very anxious about money, and I worry a lot about whether in my future I will have enough to sustain myself. That is one of the (many) reasons I do not want to get married or have children, or pets because then I would not be responsible for just myself but for my family. I would have to MAKE SURE that I have a stable income to support the people depending on me, and I can't handle that responsibility. I only want to be responsible for myself. I can't handle any more added pressure than that. High school was bad enough when I stressed out about making SURE I got all 5s on my AP tests, got the National Merit Scholarship, got a high GPA and etc. I did everything to make sure I was able to get into a good college and afford it, which worked wonderfully and God has blessed me richly with my experience at ACU so far and I know even greater experiences are yet to come. But my whole motivation was MONEY. I didn't want my parents to feel burdened about paying for college (even though they always said I didn't have to worry about that, I still do), and I didn't want to feel like if they couldn't afford my school that I would have to pay for it myself because I was scared I would never have the money to pay for it, and I HATED (and still hate) the idea of being in debt or having to pay student loans. I just...I can't stand the idea of being in the negative, which is one of the many many why I live such a frugal lifestyle. The less I spend - and the less I desire to buy STUFF - the less likely I will fall into debt. So the key for me is to not desire things. If I don't have desire, I don't want to buy, and if I don't want to buy I don't need money to buy, and if I don't need money to buy then I don't need to get a big fancy high-paying job. (Sounds pretty Buddhist, doesn't it? lol) I can be happy and satisfied with a minimal job that pays me enough money to get by. And I don't have to worry about getting the high-paying job in order to support a family. It just gives me so much relief to think about this simple lifestyle. The less I have, the happier I am. I try to be as simple as possible, and I find that if I ever take something that is offered to me, I start thinking of who I can give it to. I figure mostly, if I have a place to sleep, a place to plug in my laptop and get internet (an offer at many restaurants and coffee shops and grocery stores these days), a place to bathe and brush my teeth, I can get by pretty happily. For now I think that is my minimum. Of course, I'll also need a place to get vegan food, but you can find that anywhere now. I suppose ideally I would like to be close to a Whole Foods, which they have in NY, but that of course is by no means the only place. And I figure if that's all I need, I can live a pretty cheap life, which is very comforting to me. Maybe I'd be able to room with a bunch of other people who think like me and we can split the cost to an easy price for all of us. And I'm also thinking that if I don't have to worry about making a lot of money to live, I will have more time to dedicate to community service or non-profit organizations or whatnot. I'm not looking to be a bum, I'm looking to have less of a stressful burden on my head that lets me explore the world and find my place in the community without the annoying requirement of money. I hate how it seems there is a minimum requirement of income for a person to live in America and be considered "normal". It seems like there are so many fees and bills and taxes and payments for food, housing, insurance, clothes, water and electricity, phone, internet, etc that a person just HAS to take into account when they consider how much money they need to make in order to just "get by". I HATE that, it stresses me out to the point of depression, anxiety and tears. I want to avoid that stuff as much as possible, and I'll do just about anything to avoid it. I'll give up whatever it takes, seriously. I just want to feel like I'm a productive member of the community and a productive follower of Christ, and I just don't feel like living my life to make money in order to pay for all these so-called "necessary" aspects of the American life is a part of the life I want to live. It's not. So I plan my future pretty much around being homeless so that if it comes to that I am mentally prepared to live that way. And after this week of deep contemplation, I've come to the conclusion that I could, and that is such a great comfort and relief to me to know that I would be willing to do that. It makes me feel free to make a lot of different choices without worrying about money. You can't put a price on the relief this feeling gives me. And after all, Jesus said that the Son of Man has no place to rest his head, so if he could live the wandering life, I figure I should be able to also.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Acapella
As you are all well aware, I absolutely LOVE my school. Part of me is sad to leave for the summer just because I'm so used to it here, but I'm also excited to see my family again soon. Well anyway, ACU is a Church of Christ affiliated school so they do not believe in using instruments for worship which makes for an interesting experience. I'm used to it by now, and in fact I think the ACU praise team sings beautifully, which is why I just had to make a post about it. I wanted to just upload a sound recording, but apparently this blog only allows pictures and videos, so I had to make a video. The song is "As The Deer" and I love it, I can't get enough of it. ^_^ Hope you guys like it too! Love you all and God bless!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Morning, Veganism, Belief
I did not sleep well last night. I would wake up, look at the clock, roll over, and then what seemed like five seconds later I would roll over again and see that an hour had passed. That happened at least five times, at 2AM all the way to 7AM, then the last whole hour was just exhausting. No sleep, but it went by fast. So my whole night felt like a few blinks with no real sleep. I mean, I obviously must have slept, but I don't feel it at all. I know that happens a lot to people, but it's so annoying.
I can't believe there are only two weeks left of school, then a few more days for finals. I'll be home in less than three weeks! Or maybe exactly three weeks, depending on when my last final is. I'm excited, I have a bunch of vegan recipes I want to attempt when I get home! Have I mentioned how much I love being vegan? If not, I absolutely love it. ^_^ If only the food wasn't so expensive. It's so dumb, why does all the good stuff have to be more expensive than junk? If the people in charge really did care about the health of Americans, they would do something about that. But no, in reality everything here is driven by consumerism, so prices are going to reflect what people want to buy, and big companies are going to advertise in every square inch of the country that they can to encourage people to eat that food, whether or not it is bad for health or not. It just makes me mad, especially when I think about all the completely unnecessary suffering animals have to go through just for that junk food. It's just ridiculous. I can't stand the idea of eating something that had blood, or a heart, or a brain, or eating the product of another animal's mammary glands. That just sounds so... yuck *shudders* But that's my stand. I think the world would be a better place if everyone was vegan. Then again I think the world would be a better place if everyone loved Jesus and lived according to His teaching, but that's not going to happen in my lifetime. I don't want to be one of those aggressive activists for veganism or for Christianity. I want to live what I believe and talk respectfully and calmly to others about my beliefs. I want to live a life of love, compassion, hope and faith, and I think veganism and following Christ go perfectly together because of that. I'm not going to beat people over the head and try to convert them to either veganism or Christianity; I think that showing others in my lifestyle, my actions, and my character that I find the greatest pleasure in my beliefs is the best way to share the message.
(Not that I think being vegan is necessary for salvation or anything, I just think it's a great addition to being a Christian. I keep in mind what Paul said in Romans: "The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him" [14:3] "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit" [14:17]. I know he was talking to Jews and Gentiles, but I think it applies to vegans and non-vegans too. I refuse to condemn people for not being vegan (or for anything really) because it isn't my place to judge. I may be convinced that veganism is right, but that is my conviction. It isn't my place to say what is absolute truth or not. I'm not God, I'm not any kind of authority at all, so I won't judge others. I'll love everyone no matter what they eat and leave it up to God to know what is right and wrong.)
Well that was a nice way to spend the morning! I guess now I'll head over to World Literature and talk about the Mayan creation story.
I love you all! Have a blessed day!
I can't believe there are only two weeks left of school, then a few more days for finals. I'll be home in less than three weeks! Or maybe exactly three weeks, depending on when my last final is. I'm excited, I have a bunch of vegan recipes I want to attempt when I get home! Have I mentioned how much I love being vegan? If not, I absolutely love it. ^_^ If only the food wasn't so expensive. It's so dumb, why does all the good stuff have to be more expensive than junk? If the people in charge really did care about the health of Americans, they would do something about that. But no, in reality everything here is driven by consumerism, so prices are going to reflect what people want to buy, and big companies are going to advertise in every square inch of the country that they can to encourage people to eat that food, whether or not it is bad for health or not. It just makes me mad, especially when I think about all the completely unnecessary suffering animals have to go through just for that junk food. It's just ridiculous. I can't stand the idea of eating something that had blood, or a heart, or a brain, or eating the product of another animal's mammary glands. That just sounds so... yuck *shudders* But that's my stand. I think the world would be a better place if everyone was vegan. Then again I think the world would be a better place if everyone loved Jesus and lived according to His teaching, but that's not going to happen in my lifetime. I don't want to be one of those aggressive activists for veganism or for Christianity. I want to live what I believe and talk respectfully and calmly to others about my beliefs. I want to live a life of love, compassion, hope and faith, and I think veganism and following Christ go perfectly together because of that. I'm not going to beat people over the head and try to convert them to either veganism or Christianity; I think that showing others in my lifestyle, my actions, and my character that I find the greatest pleasure in my beliefs is the best way to share the message.
(Not that I think being vegan is necessary for salvation or anything, I just think it's a great addition to being a Christian. I keep in mind what Paul said in Romans: "The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him" [14:3] "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit" [14:17]. I know he was talking to Jews and Gentiles, but I think it applies to vegans and non-vegans too. I refuse to condemn people for not being vegan (or for anything really) because it isn't my place to judge. I may be convinced that veganism is right, but that is my conviction. It isn't my place to say what is absolute truth or not. I'm not God, I'm not any kind of authority at all, so I won't judge others. I'll love everyone no matter what they eat and leave it up to God to know what is right and wrong.)
Well that was a nice way to spend the morning! I guess now I'll head over to World Literature and talk about the Mayan creation story.
I love you all! Have a blessed day!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Awesome Day
So, over the weekend, Monday, and Tuesday I was really busy:
Write a 7 page book review for World Religions
Prepare a powerpoint presentation on Feng Shui for World Religions
Write a script for a group film project in Honors Arts Seminar, and meet Mon and Tues night with said group
Create a flyer to advertise my fridge that I'm getting rid of
Write a 4 page paper on Romans
Study for my Bible test
Study for Lifetime Wellness test
Finish Walking for Fitness take-home test
Read Don Quixote and type up an LA
So, with plenty to do, I have been going non-stop for the last four days. Not only that, but I didn't have my laptop because there was something wrong with it, so I gave it to Team55 (school tech team) to look it over and they fixed it, but I didn't get it back until Monday. But anyway, I was busy over the weekend, put up my flyer in Sunday, got my computer back on Monday, turned in my Romans paper on Monday, met with my group that night after taking my Lifetime Wellness test, spent any freetime getting my settings back on my computer the way I want them (because they had to reformat it so everything was like new again). Then Tuesday came and I spent any freetime studying for my Bible test, then met with my group again that night where I showed them the script I had written-- they loved it ^_^. Then Wednesday came and I took the test that morning, gave my Feng Shui presentation after Chapel, then went to Arts where there was a class peer review over the scripts. I was nervous about that, but it turned out to be great. My teacher is the one that really intimidates me, always asking for "brilliant" responses. So he put my script up on the big screen and everyone read it, and then wrote down peer review comments. He walked over to the group to our side and said, "So what did you think?" and one of the guys was like, "It...was...AMAZING! Who wrote it??" So I raised my hand quietly, and then the teacher came over and nodded saying, "It was, really good." And I was like, OMG! He LIKED it!!!! WHOA!!!! I was totally taken aback. I mean seriously, that made everything in that whole class worth it, that moment right there, a COMPLIMENT on something I wrote, just like that, was just, whoa, omg, best day ever. And that came right after my World Religions teacher telling me I did a great job on my Feng Shui presentation. So I mean, wow, great day! And then I spent the rest of the day finishing reading Don Quixote, starting and finishing my Literary Analysis, and still getting to bed before 11PM.
So then today, Thursday, I went to English, turned in my LA, got two back that I had turned in earlier (both 5/5, yay!), and then had the rest of the day to myself because my Walking class was cancelled since tomorrow is the start of Easter break (we actually get to call it "Easter Break" here on a Christian campus, ha!). Right when class ended, I got a phone call from a girl saying she saw that I was selling my fridge and was wondering if she could come look at it! I mean, as if my day couldn't get any better! So I went to lunch with a friend, and then at 1PM I met the girl and her mom at my dorm room and showed them my fridge, and they agreed to buy it, at which point I offered my microwave as well, and they agreed to take it too! So I sold both appliances that I don't need anymore (we're going to use my roommate's next year) and that I had been wondering what the heck I was going to do with. So after that, I went to work writing my Culture Event essay for Arts class and finished it, so yay for that, and now everything is just totally chill. Amazing! God has blessed me so much this week, I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am. God has done wonderful things for me, I'm just in awe. Every good thing I get I know is from Him, but I know that no matter what happens, good or bad, I will give Him the glory. Sometimes I think all these good things happening to me now are preparing me for some big trial in the future. I feel like He wants me to feel grateful for the good now and to build me up so that I say "I will be grateful in all circumstances, good or bad" so that when I get into the bad situations I will have to remember the good things and remember what I said during them. That's what it feels like. So if that is the case, I definitely hope I am able to keep my word and keep giving Him the glory even in my struggles and trials.
Anyway, now it is a three-day weekend and I am so high on God's blessings, it's incredible. My friend Sarah let me borrow a book over the weekend so I will be reading that. Hopefully I will finish it. I know I definitely can, I just have to actually read it, and with all the time I have now (seeing as how all my busy-ness finished on Wednesday) I'm sure I will. The book is "The Parable of the Sower". I'll let you know what I think of it when I finish.
I love you all, and I pray God blesses you on this Easter holiday!!!
Write a 7 page book review for World Religions
Prepare a powerpoint presentation on Feng Shui for World Religions
Write a script for a group film project in Honors Arts Seminar, and meet Mon and Tues night with said group
Create a flyer to advertise my fridge that I'm getting rid of
Write a 4 page paper on Romans
Study for my Bible test
Study for Lifetime Wellness test
Finish Walking for Fitness take-home test
Read Don Quixote and type up an LA
So, with plenty to do, I have been going non-stop for the last four days. Not only that, but I didn't have my laptop because there was something wrong with it, so I gave it to Team55 (school tech team) to look it over and they fixed it, but I didn't get it back until Monday. But anyway, I was busy over the weekend, put up my flyer in Sunday, got my computer back on Monday, turned in my Romans paper on Monday, met with my group that night after taking my Lifetime Wellness test, spent any freetime getting my settings back on my computer the way I want them (because they had to reformat it so everything was like new again). Then Tuesday came and I spent any freetime studying for my Bible test, then met with my group again that night where I showed them the script I had written-- they loved it ^_^. Then Wednesday came and I took the test that morning, gave my Feng Shui presentation after Chapel, then went to Arts where there was a class peer review over the scripts. I was nervous about that, but it turned out to be great. My teacher is the one that really intimidates me, always asking for "brilliant" responses. So he put my script up on the big screen and everyone read it, and then wrote down peer review comments. He walked over to the group to our side and said, "So what did you think?" and one of the guys was like, "It...was...AMAZING! Who wrote it??" So I raised my hand quietly, and then the teacher came over and nodded saying, "It was, really good." And I was like, OMG! He LIKED it!!!! WHOA!!!! I was totally taken aback. I mean seriously, that made everything in that whole class worth it, that moment right there, a COMPLIMENT on something I wrote, just like that, was just, whoa, omg, best day ever. And that came right after my World Religions teacher telling me I did a great job on my Feng Shui presentation. So I mean, wow, great day! And then I spent the rest of the day finishing reading Don Quixote, starting and finishing my Literary Analysis, and still getting to bed before 11PM.
So then today, Thursday, I went to English, turned in my LA, got two back that I had turned in earlier (both 5/5, yay!), and then had the rest of the day to myself because my Walking class was cancelled since tomorrow is the start of Easter break (we actually get to call it "Easter Break" here on a Christian campus, ha!). Right when class ended, I got a phone call from a girl saying she saw that I was selling my fridge and was wondering if she could come look at it! I mean, as if my day couldn't get any better! So I went to lunch with a friend, and then at 1PM I met the girl and her mom at my dorm room and showed them my fridge, and they agreed to buy it, at which point I offered my microwave as well, and they agreed to take it too! So I sold both appliances that I don't need anymore (we're going to use my roommate's next year) and that I had been wondering what the heck I was going to do with. So after that, I went to work writing my Culture Event essay for Arts class and finished it, so yay for that, and now everything is just totally chill. Amazing! God has blessed me so much this week, I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am. God has done wonderful things for me, I'm just in awe. Every good thing I get I know is from Him, but I know that no matter what happens, good or bad, I will give Him the glory. Sometimes I think all these good things happening to me now are preparing me for some big trial in the future. I feel like He wants me to feel grateful for the good now and to build me up so that I say "I will be grateful in all circumstances, good or bad" so that when I get into the bad situations I will have to remember the good things and remember what I said during them. That's what it feels like. So if that is the case, I definitely hope I am able to keep my word and keep giving Him the glory even in my struggles and trials.
Anyway, now it is a three-day weekend and I am so high on God's blessings, it's incredible. My friend Sarah let me borrow a book over the weekend so I will be reading that. Hopefully I will finish it. I know I definitely can, I just have to actually read it, and with all the time I have now (seeing as how all my busy-ness finished on Wednesday) I'm sure I will. The book is "The Parable of the Sower". I'll let you know what I think of it when I finish.
I love you all, and I pray God blesses you on this Easter holiday!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Romans 12 Response
In my Acts to Revelation class we are finishing Romans. While we were reading it we were divided into house churches and every person had to come up with a new first century persona in the church so that we could have a better understanding of how to read Romans and what the people who read it first would have been thinking. I was Kalandia, a slave with a background in worshiping Athena and Artemis. This was my personal response to Romans 12 (about being living sacrifices to God and how to live and love people both in and outside the church). I kinda like it.
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This idea of being a "living sacrifice" is very strange. From what I understand, our sacrifices are supposed to be killed, cut, and their blood used however a ritual requires. I thought "gods" wanted blood, or that the death was the major element. To make the sacrifice ourselves and make the sacrifice about how we live is completely different from what I am used to: it is a whole new way of thinking. I did not know that we could sacrifice ourselves while we were alive and have it still be a meaningful sacrifice (besides denial of some sort, but that does not seem as dramatic as killing a sacrificial animal), or pleasing to the god we are sacrificing ourselves to. The only way I can make that make sense is to think that while we are alive, God can work through us. If we die, we die; our lives on earth are over and we can no longer do all these good works that Paul encourages us to do. Maybe these good works are what is pleasing to God, more so than a bloody sacrifice that really seems to be of no use. A sacrificed animal is a ceremony that is focused on giving something to a god, and then after the sacrifice a person just lives for themselves until the next sacrifice. Now that I think about it, a "living sacrifice" in which we sacrifice our own wills to take on the will of God, to act with His Spirit and do His will, that seems to be much more meaningful and long-lasting than the usual sacrifice.
Wow, now that really makes Paul's advice on how to live seem much more significant: these works are our sacrifice to God! Instead of sacrificing an animal and performing a ritual, we live our daily lives sacrificing ourselves to God in order to do His "pleasing and perfect will". That is actually probably harder than the usual sacrifice, and maybe that is why Paul says we will struggle so much with sin, because we need to sacrifice our bodies to the will of God instead of to our own selfish urges. A sacrifice is a giving up of something, so doing the will of God is giving up our flesh, which will be hard while we are still living in it. But that must be where the true worship lies: in giving up what we have every day. As a slave I am no stranger to giving myself up to the will of someone else, but I always thought of it as simply doing my duty. Now I see that giving myself up to God is denying my own flesh and proving my love for God is more than my love for myself, and I can see how that would be a much more pleasing sacrifice than a bloody animal.
*****************
This idea of being a "living sacrifice" is very strange. From what I understand, our sacrifices are supposed to be killed, cut, and their blood used however a ritual requires. I thought "gods" wanted blood, or that the death was the major element. To make the sacrifice ourselves and make the sacrifice about how we live is completely different from what I am used to: it is a whole new way of thinking. I did not know that we could sacrifice ourselves while we were alive and have it still be a meaningful sacrifice (besides denial of some sort, but that does not seem as dramatic as killing a sacrificial animal), or pleasing to the god we are sacrificing ourselves to. The only way I can make that make sense is to think that while we are alive, God can work through us. If we die, we die; our lives on earth are over and we can no longer do all these good works that Paul encourages us to do. Maybe these good works are what is pleasing to God, more so than a bloody sacrifice that really seems to be of no use. A sacrificed animal is a ceremony that is focused on giving something to a god, and then after the sacrifice a person just lives for themselves until the next sacrifice. Now that I think about it, a "living sacrifice" in which we sacrifice our own wills to take on the will of God, to act with His Spirit and do His will, that seems to be much more meaningful and long-lasting than the usual sacrifice.
Wow, now that really makes Paul's advice on how to live seem much more significant: these works are our sacrifice to God! Instead of sacrificing an animal and performing a ritual, we live our daily lives sacrificing ourselves to God in order to do His "pleasing and perfect will". That is actually probably harder than the usual sacrifice, and maybe that is why Paul says we will struggle so much with sin, because we need to sacrifice our bodies to the will of God instead of to our own selfish urges. A sacrifice is a giving up of something, so doing the will of God is giving up our flesh, which will be hard while we are still living in it. But that must be where the true worship lies: in giving up what we have every day. As a slave I am no stranger to giving myself up to the will of someone else, but I always thought of it as simply doing my duty. Now I see that giving myself up to God is denying my own flesh and proving my love for God is more than my love for myself, and I can see how that would be a much more pleasing sacrifice than a bloody animal.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Quotes
Enlightenment is: do what you want eat what there is. - Jack Kerouac
The final mystery is oneself. - Oscar Wilde
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one’s own self. – Montaigne
I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself. – Montaigne
I’m erecting a barrier of simplicity between myself and the world. – Andre Gide
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. – George Santayana
It is best to be yourself, imperial, plain and true. – Robert Browning
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. - Lao Tsu
Our lives...are but a little while, so let them run as sweetly as you can, and give no thought to grief from day to day. For time is not concerned to keep our hopes, but hurries on its business, and is gone. - Euripides
Have no fear of perfection. You'll never reach it. - Salvador Dali
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. - Confucius
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. - Margaret Young
The final mystery is oneself. - Oscar Wilde
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one’s own self. – Montaigne
I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself. – Montaigne
I’m erecting a barrier of simplicity between myself and the world. – Andre Gide
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. – George Santayana
It is best to be yourself, imperial, plain and true. – Robert Browning
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. - Lao Tsu
Our lives...are but a little while, so let them run as sweetly as you can, and give no thought to grief from day to day. For time is not concerned to keep our hopes, but hurries on its business, and is gone. - Euripides
Have no fear of perfection. You'll never reach it. - Salvador Dali
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. - Confucius
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. - Margaret Young
Sunday, March 15, 2009
It's Over
Well, that's it, Spring Break is done and over. Sigh. I don't want to get back to the real world yet, I had such a nice break, just hanging out with new people, staying up late every night, getting to know Shannon and Christina, watching movies, laying around, staying inside when it was wet and yucky. Sigh. I'm not ready to get back to work. I thought I was going to be upset by having to move out of my own room, but it turned out to be a blessing. I met some really nice people, I hung out in a wide open lobby most of the time so I didn't feel isolated, alone, and cramped. I had fun. I interacted with people and shared some things about myself with people who were actually interested in getting to know me. I admit I didn't get nearly as much done as I had been hoping to, but you know, I at least had a good time. I got a good chunk of things done in any case. I'm still hoping to take these last hours of Sunday to finish some things on my Romeo and Juliet paper, and hopefully mom will call with some taxes info that I need. But all in all, I liked my break, and I wish it could continue.
I'm so happy because I got to talk to my grandma and grandpa through Skype for a whole hour! It was WONDERFUL to see their faces while we spoke, I miss seeing them so much. And later today I will hopefully get to do the same with dad! I had such an amazing time with him when he was here, it'll be great to see his face and hear his voice again. I love him so much.
Well, I guess I will get back to my Romeo and Juliet paper. Sigh. My teacher really intimidates me. I don't know what he'll like or hate. He always seems unimpressed and irritated, even though he's always smiling. It's unnerving. Makes me anxious. I am not looking forward to turning in this paper at all, and it's only because of him. All he ever wants is "brilliance" but I'm not really sure what would count as brilliance. And besides, it's a 6-8 page paper, and I could write a 15 page paper with all the things I want to say! This is hard... I can't wait for this class to be over with.
I'm so happy because I got to talk to my grandma and grandpa through Skype for a whole hour! It was WONDERFUL to see their faces while we spoke, I miss seeing them so much. And later today I will hopefully get to do the same with dad! I had such an amazing time with him when he was here, it'll be great to see his face and hear his voice again. I love him so much.
Well, I guess I will get back to my Romeo and Juliet paper. Sigh. My teacher really intimidates me. I don't know what he'll like or hate. He always seems unimpressed and irritated, even though he's always smiling. It's unnerving. Makes me anxious. I am not looking forward to turning in this paper at all, and it's only because of him. All he ever wants is "brilliance" but I'm not really sure what would count as brilliance. And besides, it's a 6-8 page paper, and I could write a 15 page paper with all the things I want to say! This is hard... I can't wait for this class to be over with.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Stupid Spring Break!
So I am staying at ACU for Spring Break with high hopes of getting a lot of work done. I have several different projects/papers to be working on and books to be reading, and just for my own sake I'm going to remind myself of what they are:
Pauline Ethics paper
Read Muslim on Christian Road
Book review on the book
Watch all the different versions of Romeo and Juliet then
Romeo and Juliet paper
Study for World Lit by rereading the texts
File a new FAFSA
File my taxes
Start my presentation on Feng Shui
Read book on the early Roman church
That's all I can think of right now, and that might be it. In any case, it's a lot, but I'm ready to do it all, starting tomorrow, Friday. Unfortunately, I found out LAST NIGHT that I will be forced to remove myself from my dorm hall because there will be no staff available to man the desk, and therefore it is unsafe for me to be in the hall all week. Therefore, I am being relocated to the dorm building next to mine where there WILL be a staff member manning the desk, and I will be put into an empty room and have to drag anything and everything that I will need during the whole break across the street into the room just like I had to do over Thanksgiving, which is just irksome and inconvenient on so many levels I can't even think about it without clenching up out of fear of saying something rude.
I mean, seriously, I want to stay in my own room!!!!!! All of my stuff is there! If I find out half way through the week that I forgot something, then that's just too bad, so sad, sorry about that! GRRR!!! I don't want to have to pack up all my stuff and move it, that's one of the good points about staying at the school! But oh nooooo, they're going to make me do it anyway because they're liable if something awful happens to me while I'm by myself. Jeez, that's just aggravatingly annoying. I just... UGGHHH!!! This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Stupid stupid STUPID!!!!!!! *stomps around waving hands in frustration* I! HATE! THIS! SO! MUCH!
Oh well, I guess things can't be perfect anyway.
On another note, I was looking over the classes I want to take the rest of my college career and I'm so many things: nervous, intimidated, excited, interested, scared, hopeful. There are so many great sounding classes that I would love to take, but I am so scared that I will not be able to keep up with them all and that they will be hard and I will lower my GPA and lose my scholarship, and I just can't let that happen. I would do so much to keep my scholarship. I hate feeling like it isn't mine. I only have it as long as I keep my GPA at a certain level, and so it isn't a definite thing, which I hate. There's so much uncertainty and so much pressure to keep my grades up that I can't just relax and enjoy myself and my classes. I choose my classes wondering, "Will this class be too hard? Is taking this class risking my GPA?" And I don't want to have to worry about that! I worked so flippin hard during high school to GET this scholarship, and now that I have it, I STILL have to keep working just to keep it! I hate that too! I just want to HAVE it, I don't want there to be conditions attached, that just makes me anxious and unfocused and disturbed. I wish I had a billion dollars or something, so I could know beyond a doubt that I could afford college, and afford the rest of my life. But I don't, I can't be sure of anything. Oh God, please please PLEASE God, help me keep this scholarship, PLEASE!! I'm so scared...
Love you guys! Hope you're doing well!
Pauline Ethics paper
Read Muslim on Christian Road
Book review on the book
Watch all the different versions of Romeo and Juliet then
Romeo and Juliet paper
Study for World Lit by rereading the texts
File a new FAFSA
File my taxes
Start my presentation on Feng Shui
Read book on the early Roman church
That's all I can think of right now, and that might be it. In any case, it's a lot, but I'm ready to do it all, starting tomorrow, Friday. Unfortunately, I found out LAST NIGHT that I will be forced to remove myself from my dorm hall because there will be no staff available to man the desk, and therefore it is unsafe for me to be in the hall all week. Therefore, I am being relocated to the dorm building next to mine where there WILL be a staff member manning the desk, and I will be put into an empty room and have to drag anything and everything that I will need during the whole break across the street into the room just like I had to do over Thanksgiving, which is just irksome and inconvenient on so many levels I can't even think about it without clenching up out of fear of saying something rude.
I mean, seriously, I want to stay in my own room!!!!!! All of my stuff is there! If I find out half way through the week that I forgot something, then that's just too bad, so sad, sorry about that! GRRR!!! I don't want to have to pack up all my stuff and move it, that's one of the good points about staying at the school! But oh nooooo, they're going to make me do it anyway because they're liable if something awful happens to me while I'm by myself. Jeez, that's just aggravatingly annoying. I just... UGGHHH!!! This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Stupid stupid STUPID!!!!!!! *stomps around waving hands in frustration* I! HATE! THIS! SO! MUCH!
Oh well, I guess things can't be perfect anyway.
On another note, I was looking over the classes I want to take the rest of my college career and I'm so many things: nervous, intimidated, excited, interested, scared, hopeful. There are so many great sounding classes that I would love to take, but I am so scared that I will not be able to keep up with them all and that they will be hard and I will lower my GPA and lose my scholarship, and I just can't let that happen. I would do so much to keep my scholarship. I hate feeling like it isn't mine. I only have it as long as I keep my GPA at a certain level, and so it isn't a definite thing, which I hate. There's so much uncertainty and so much pressure to keep my grades up that I can't just relax and enjoy myself and my classes. I choose my classes wondering, "Will this class be too hard? Is taking this class risking my GPA?" And I don't want to have to worry about that! I worked so flippin hard during high school to GET this scholarship, and now that I have it, I STILL have to keep working just to keep it! I hate that too! I just want to HAVE it, I don't want there to be conditions attached, that just makes me anxious and unfocused and disturbed. I wish I had a billion dollars or something, so I could know beyond a doubt that I could afford college, and afford the rest of my life. But I don't, I can't be sure of anything. Oh God, please please PLEASE God, help me keep this scholarship, PLEASE!! I'm so scared...
Love you guys! Hope you're doing well!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
February 2009
So, it looks like it has been another whole month since my last post. I'll do a brief summary of things because I can't honestly say that anything big and fabulous has happened.
Well, except for this one thing....
DAD IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*dances around the room*
I'm so happy, this is the first time he's been here since Welcome Week when I first moved in, and I love having him here! He got here Thursday night and we had dinner in the Bean (I'm glad I can save him the trouble of buying food while he's here) and then he came up to my dorm because Thursday nights are open house so that boys and girls can visit each others' rooms. So that was GREAT. And then Friday we had lunch together after my one class and then we hung out in his hotel room all afternoon. Then we came back, had dinner at the Bean (take out actually) and then went to see a small student art gallery which had some neat pieces. Then we went back to his hotel where we hung out even more, watched a movie, and I spent the night. So now it is almost Friday afternoon and dad is still asleep (poor guy, I always feel so bad for him, because I know he is seriously sleep deprived, even more than all the college students I go to class with!!!!). I am just so excited that he is here, I'm so blessed to have a dad that is willing - more than willing - to come out here just to spend time with me. I've been introducing him to all my friends because I just want everyone to know him and know that my dad came all the way out here just to see me! I feel so special, but then again my dad always makes me feel special. ^_^
Other than that, this week coming up is the week before Spring Break, which is so weird, because it does not feel like the semester has lasted long enough for it to be time for Spring Break. But hey, whatever. I'm planning on staying here so I can get some work done for classes. Hopefully I will get to stay in my dorm this time unlike during Thanksgiving when I had to move over to a different dorm building. That was inconvenient. Oh well, we'll see. I probably would have gone home if my Spring Break had lined up with Elisa's Spring Break, but hers is the week after mine, so I'd be home alone most of the time if I went back, and I'd rather just stay here if that's the case. I can stay focused rather than being home and being annoyed by the dogs and all of that. I like how clean it is here.
I have a test in Lifetime Wellness on Monday, which will hopefully be ok. I have decided officially that I never want to take another night class again. I'm glad I'm taking it for Lifetime Wellness, but if I had to sit in a classroom for three hours for any other subject... oh goodness, no, I couldn't take that. But I am happy to have the experience so that I can be sure. And besides, I like having my nights to myself.
I'm really looking forward to my next classes that I am going to be taking. I'm hoping to take a couple classes over Old Testament books along with my English classes. I'm planning to take some writing workshop classes and of course more time period reading classes. I'm probably going to have to take an Advanced Composition class which is a lot about grammar and syntax and all that, which is kind of intimidating since English grammar is so malleable, but hey, whatever. If I have to take it, I'll take it.
As for this semester, I really like it. My schedule is great because it gives me the opportunity to have dad be here on Thursdays without worrying about being busy with classes on Friday. It's great! It really is so nice to have a three-day weekend every week, since I don't think of going to my Acts to Revelation class as a burden. I enjoy that class so much, I really look forward to it. Plus my teacher/professor/whatever is the appropriate term, reminds me a lot of my Grandpa (Singletary) so that's nice. And so far I am doing well. Good grades and all that. Hopefully I can keep it up and keep my 4.0GPA, and keep my scholarship, God willing and with His help, as always.
I'll be happy when my Walking for Fitness class is over. We are required to take three "activity" courses here at ACU and I chose Walking because that seemed simple enough. And it is, it's very simple and straightforward, but man, I've always loved walking, and I still do, but when we're out there walking 4 mlles at high noon, it's like, seriously? Do we really need to be doing this? Oh well, I brought it on myself by signing up for the noon class, but it's worth it to be done with my day by 1. Very worth it. I'm hoping to do Bowling next semester, which is an indoor class, yes! ^_^
Let's see, what else? Oh, I have made an educated guess about a phenomenon that happened to me last semester. When I first got to college I was staying up late every night, like midnight or later, without fail, without even trying. It just happened. Now, ever since I got back from Christmas, I have been going to bed at around 10, like back in high school. Now, I thought I was staying up late because that was the natural thing to do in college, or something, but I am guessing that it happened because of all the diet Dr. Pepper I drank last semester. Before college I didn't really drink much soda (which of course, if I did, was always diet), but when I got here it was so readily available that I started drinking it a lot. And I mean, a lot. Like, I would drink it without ever having any water (I look back on that now and think, yuk! How could I do that?). I drank it so much, that I am guessing that caffeine in it kept me up later than I had ever imagined I could stay up, every night. This semester, I haven't had a single soda. I gave it up, mostly because the first day I got back I got thirsty and after I drank one soda, I was still thirsty, but not only that, I couldn't finish the one I had. I drank half of it and had to stop, I just didn't like it, and I was soooo thirsty. And that was when I decided not to waste my time or Bean Bucks (food money at ACU) on soda. And ever since, I have been going to bed at around 10 every night, and I like it. I think I'm sleeping better overall, too, which is a plus. Of course I get a few nights every now and then where I'm just tossing and can't seem to sleep for more than an hour and a half, but those are few and far between. So anyway, that's my guess, the caffeine kept me up.
Hm, well, I can't think of anything else, so, until I do, good-bye! Love you all! And as Paul would say,
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen. (Philippians 4:23)
Well, except for this one thing....
DAD IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*dances around the room*
I'm so happy, this is the first time he's been here since Welcome Week when I first moved in, and I love having him here! He got here Thursday night and we had dinner in the Bean (I'm glad I can save him the trouble of buying food while he's here) and then he came up to my dorm because Thursday nights are open house so that boys and girls can visit each others' rooms. So that was GREAT. And then Friday we had lunch together after my one class and then we hung out in his hotel room all afternoon. Then we came back, had dinner at the Bean (take out actually) and then went to see a small student art gallery which had some neat pieces. Then we went back to his hotel where we hung out even more, watched a movie, and I spent the night. So now it is almost Friday afternoon and dad is still asleep (poor guy, I always feel so bad for him, because I know he is seriously sleep deprived, even more than all the college students I go to class with!!!!). I am just so excited that he is here, I'm so blessed to have a dad that is willing - more than willing - to come out here just to spend time with me. I've been introducing him to all my friends because I just want everyone to know him and know that my dad came all the way out here just to see me! I feel so special, but then again my dad always makes me feel special. ^_^
Other than that, this week coming up is the week before Spring Break, which is so weird, because it does not feel like the semester has lasted long enough for it to be time for Spring Break. But hey, whatever. I'm planning on staying here so I can get some work done for classes. Hopefully I will get to stay in my dorm this time unlike during Thanksgiving when I had to move over to a different dorm building. That was inconvenient. Oh well, we'll see. I probably would have gone home if my Spring Break had lined up with Elisa's Spring Break, but hers is the week after mine, so I'd be home alone most of the time if I went back, and I'd rather just stay here if that's the case. I can stay focused rather than being home and being annoyed by the dogs and all of that. I like how clean it is here.
I have a test in Lifetime Wellness on Monday, which will hopefully be ok. I have decided officially that I never want to take another night class again. I'm glad I'm taking it for Lifetime Wellness, but if I had to sit in a classroom for three hours for any other subject... oh goodness, no, I couldn't take that. But I am happy to have the experience so that I can be sure. And besides, I like having my nights to myself.
I'm really looking forward to my next classes that I am going to be taking. I'm hoping to take a couple classes over Old Testament books along with my English classes. I'm planning to take some writing workshop classes and of course more time period reading classes. I'm probably going to have to take an Advanced Composition class which is a lot about grammar and syntax and all that, which is kind of intimidating since English grammar is so malleable, but hey, whatever. If I have to take it, I'll take it.
As for this semester, I really like it. My schedule is great because it gives me the opportunity to have dad be here on Thursdays without worrying about being busy with classes on Friday. It's great! It really is so nice to have a three-day weekend every week, since I don't think of going to my Acts to Revelation class as a burden. I enjoy that class so much, I really look forward to it. Plus my teacher/professor/whatever is the appropriate term, reminds me a lot of my Grandpa (Singletary) so that's nice. And so far I am doing well. Good grades and all that. Hopefully I can keep it up and keep my 4.0GPA, and keep my scholarship, God willing and with His help, as always.
I'll be happy when my Walking for Fitness class is over. We are required to take three "activity" courses here at ACU and I chose Walking because that seemed simple enough. And it is, it's very simple and straightforward, but man, I've always loved walking, and I still do, but when we're out there walking 4 mlles at high noon, it's like, seriously? Do we really need to be doing this? Oh well, I brought it on myself by signing up for the noon class, but it's worth it to be done with my day by 1. Very worth it. I'm hoping to do Bowling next semester, which is an indoor class, yes! ^_^
Let's see, what else? Oh, I have made an educated guess about a phenomenon that happened to me last semester. When I first got to college I was staying up late every night, like midnight or later, without fail, without even trying. It just happened. Now, ever since I got back from Christmas, I have been going to bed at around 10, like back in high school. Now, I thought I was staying up late because that was the natural thing to do in college, or something, but I am guessing that it happened because of all the diet Dr. Pepper I drank last semester. Before college I didn't really drink much soda (which of course, if I did, was always diet), but when I got here it was so readily available that I started drinking it a lot. And I mean, a lot. Like, I would drink it without ever having any water (I look back on that now and think, yuk! How could I do that?). I drank it so much, that I am guessing that caffeine in it kept me up later than I had ever imagined I could stay up, every night. This semester, I haven't had a single soda. I gave it up, mostly because the first day I got back I got thirsty and after I drank one soda, I was still thirsty, but not only that, I couldn't finish the one I had. I drank half of it and had to stop, I just didn't like it, and I was soooo thirsty. And that was when I decided not to waste my time or Bean Bucks (food money at ACU) on soda. And ever since, I have been going to bed at around 10 every night, and I like it. I think I'm sleeping better overall, too, which is a plus. Of course I get a few nights every now and then where I'm just tossing and can't seem to sleep for more than an hour and a half, but those are few and far between. So anyway, that's my guess, the caffeine kept me up.
Hm, well, I can't think of anything else, so, until I do, good-bye! Love you all! And as Paul would say,
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen. (Philippians 4:23)
Friday, January 30, 2009
2009 Review
Ok, so I realize it has been over a month since I posted anything, so let me see if I can come up with something informative and brilliant to put up.
First of all, I found a thing on this blog site that lets me add email addresses to send notices that I have updated my blog, so hopefully that works. To those whose email I added, let me know if you got a notice.
Second, I am loving my semester right now. Here are my classes:
Honors Acts to Revelation
World Religion
World Liturature
Honors Seminar in the Arts
Lifetime and Wellness (kind of like a high school health class that teaches the basics of how to stay healthy your whole life)
Walking for Fitness (we are required to take 3 activity courses to graduate, and this is my first)
It is more reading than I had to do last semester, but it seems like less stress or work, mostly because I am not in my Cornerstone class that required the volunteer servive and the 15 oage research paper/project. Plus, I like the reading we are doing. I do have outside assignments for my Seminar in the Arts class: I have to go to five different artistic presentations in the community and then write 2-3 page response papers on each one. My teacher in that class has a habit of saying he wants us to say something "brilliant" for everything. That's his only criteria. Hopefully I can come up with brilliance at his standard.
I am also happy that I am not working this semester. It really takes off a lot of stress involving time management. I was thinking of applying to be a Resident Assistant, but I don't want to feel like I am torn between school and work. Besides, if I stay focused on school and do well I will graduate a semester early at least so I don't have to worry about getting money to pay for four whole years, just three and a half. The sooner I get out the less I have to pay for school, and the better I am able to do in school, the sooner I get out.
I have decided that I will look to get a "practical" job in publishing or something of that nature while I continue to aspire to write novels. That will give me something to tell people when they ask me what I plan on doing with my degree. It's funny that 95% of people assume I want to teach when I tell them I am an English major. I never would have put those two together. To me, if you are an English major, you like to read and write, so therefore you must want to write. There are teaching and education majors for people who want to teach. But I guess that's just my own way of thinking. *shrug*
I also really like that in my World Religions class we don't take quizzes over the chapters like is normally done in other classes. It takes a lot of pressure off and lets me actually enjoy what I am reading without worrying "OMG what am I supposed to know from all of this? What's he going to ask me about on the quiz???" I appreciate that. And also I am pretty sure I am the only Freshman in the class, because it is a class for Juniors and Seniors, but because of all the credit hours I have I am allowed to take it (SCORE!).
The ice days we got on Tuesday and Wednesday were nice. The weather was amazing on Wednesday, absolutely beautiful with all the white everywhere. Tuesday was more irritating and inconvenient since every car was frozen over and unable to go anywhere, but other than that it was nice to be inside in the warmth and know that it was in the low 20s outside. Then it was nice to go outside for a while, freeze, then come back inside to melt. I really liked that part.
I really hope to get a summer job. I don't have anything specific in mind, but of course ideally I would like something that pays well (not that I am holding any high expectations on that one). I also don't think I would mind if I had a night job like at Walmart or Kroger, during the time when there is almost nobody there, and be the one who restocks and organizes the items on shelves. OMG that would be wonderful... Getting paid to organize things, ah! Dream come true!
And just FYI, I am writing this blog on the Dell MINI laptop that I rented from our school library, so if there are any errors in this entry it is because my hands are cramped together over this tiny and adorable keyboard. I love this thing, it is so cute, but I think I will stick with something "normal" sized. Which reminds me, in our Campus Store they have the Mac section where you can play with every kind of Mac available, and last weekend I was in there using the MacBook Pro. Oh my goodness, that thing was amazing. I probably wouldn't buy one even if I had the 2000 dollars because I could use that money for something more necessary but my goodness, it was wonderful. I would love to just have one, you know? The material it was made of is great because you don't get hand oil all over it when you touch it, which I appreciate. I hate glossy sleek technology items that immediately get all smudgy when you touch them. I like things to keep looking new and clean for a long time.
Well, I think that is enough for now. I hope the email notice thing works so that everyone can see when I put up a new post. I love you all and hope your January 2009 was a great introduction into the new year. Much love!!!!
Kaleigh
First of all, I found a thing on this blog site that lets me add email addresses to send notices that I have updated my blog, so hopefully that works. To those whose email I added, let me know if you got a notice.
Second, I am loving my semester right now. Here are my classes:
Honors Acts to Revelation
World Religion
World Liturature
Honors Seminar in the Arts
Lifetime and Wellness (kind of like a high school health class that teaches the basics of how to stay healthy your whole life)
Walking for Fitness (we are required to take 3 activity courses to graduate, and this is my first)
It is more reading than I had to do last semester, but it seems like less stress or work, mostly because I am not in my Cornerstone class that required the volunteer servive and the 15 oage research paper/project. Plus, I like the reading we are doing. I do have outside assignments for my Seminar in the Arts class: I have to go to five different artistic presentations in the community and then write 2-3 page response papers on each one. My teacher in that class has a habit of saying he wants us to say something "brilliant" for everything. That's his only criteria. Hopefully I can come up with brilliance at his standard.
I am also happy that I am not working this semester. It really takes off a lot of stress involving time management. I was thinking of applying to be a Resident Assistant, but I don't want to feel like I am torn between school and work. Besides, if I stay focused on school and do well I will graduate a semester early at least so I don't have to worry about getting money to pay for four whole years, just three and a half. The sooner I get out the less I have to pay for school, and the better I am able to do in school, the sooner I get out.
I have decided that I will look to get a "practical" job in publishing or something of that nature while I continue to aspire to write novels. That will give me something to tell people when they ask me what I plan on doing with my degree. It's funny that 95% of people assume I want to teach when I tell them I am an English major. I never would have put those two together. To me, if you are an English major, you like to read and write, so therefore you must want to write. There are teaching and education majors for people who want to teach. But I guess that's just my own way of thinking. *shrug*
I also really like that in my World Religions class we don't take quizzes over the chapters like is normally done in other classes. It takes a lot of pressure off and lets me actually enjoy what I am reading without worrying "OMG what am I supposed to know from all of this? What's he going to ask me about on the quiz???" I appreciate that. And also I am pretty sure I am the only Freshman in the class, because it is a class for Juniors and Seniors, but because of all the credit hours I have I am allowed to take it (SCORE!).
The ice days we got on Tuesday and Wednesday were nice. The weather was amazing on Wednesday, absolutely beautiful with all the white everywhere. Tuesday was more irritating and inconvenient since every car was frozen over and unable to go anywhere, but other than that it was nice to be inside in the warmth and know that it was in the low 20s outside. Then it was nice to go outside for a while, freeze, then come back inside to melt. I really liked that part.
I really hope to get a summer job. I don't have anything specific in mind, but of course ideally I would like something that pays well (not that I am holding any high expectations on that one). I also don't think I would mind if I had a night job like at Walmart or Kroger, during the time when there is almost nobody there, and be the one who restocks and organizes the items on shelves. OMG that would be wonderful... Getting paid to organize things, ah! Dream come true!
And just FYI, I am writing this blog on the Dell MINI laptop that I rented from our school library, so if there are any errors in this entry it is because my hands are cramped together over this tiny and adorable keyboard. I love this thing, it is so cute, but I think I will stick with something "normal" sized. Which reminds me, in our Campus Store they have the Mac section where you can play with every kind of Mac available, and last weekend I was in there using the MacBook Pro. Oh my goodness, that thing was amazing. I probably wouldn't buy one even if I had the 2000 dollars because I could use that money for something more necessary but my goodness, it was wonderful. I would love to just have one, you know? The material it was made of is great because you don't get hand oil all over it when you touch it, which I appreciate. I hate glossy sleek technology items that immediately get all smudgy when you touch them. I like things to keep looking new and clean for a long time.
Well, I think that is enough for now. I hope the email notice thing works so that everyone can see when I put up a new post. I love you all and hope your January 2009 was a great introduction into the new year. Much love!!!!
Kaleigh
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Stress
Monday 12/22 6:54PM Ok, so we found out a few hours ago that my grandparents are coming in tonight rather than tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my grandparents, but they ALWAYS do this! They say they will be here one day, and then come a day early so that mom is all stressed out trying to make the house clean for them (when it should be clean all the time anyway, but isn’t) and then gets annoyed at me when I try to help. They ALWAYS do this to us! Mom gets all planned to have them later so she feels like she has time to prepare for them, and then they say, “Oh we’ll come in a day early, just because,” and then mom’s like, “Oh crap, let’s clean up NOW!” And so what is my talent? Organizing. I can take a room that looks like a tornado and rearrange it into a neat and tidy office if I so desire. I do it all the time, with everyone! Every house I go into I see as a rearranging party, because I love to make spaces look neat and organized. But mom is the ONLY one who has EVER not liked what I do. My moving stuff around aggravates her, so I can’t do anything to help. She’s the only one who has ever unappreciated my work, but it’s the only thing I’m good at! So no wonder I love college so much. I don’t have to put up with her not being able to put up with me. I can’t stand it when she gets irritated with me, yet here we are, just like it’s always been, me trying to make all her crap look neat and organized and she getting pissed off at me because I try to make her dumb house look presentable and hospitable in a way that I know how. She just has too much STUFF!! That’s the bottom line, and it would be so much better if she would just have the guts in her to get rid of all the junk she doesn’t need, but she holds on to EVERYTHING until every space in the house is buried in piles of junk that she doesn’t even realize are there and it gets dusty and old and passed due and it just drives me crazy! Is it any wonder I only want to come home once a year? Actually, I don’t want to come home. I want to stay in my clean and empty dorm and have them come visit me. I felt disgusted the minute I walked in the house the night I got home. Nothing had changed, except there was more STUFF and more DUST and more DIRT and cats were living in my sister’s bedroom making it dirty, hairy, and stinky and so my sister was living in what had been my room, and there was junk mail all over the kitchen, dog hair in a thin layer (like snow, ironically) over the carpet, and I was just suddenly claustrophobic and wishing I was back in my dorm. I HATE this house, I hate the way my mom lives. I hate her mess. And the second I try to make it more livable, she gets all angry at me for moving her precious JUNK! I mean, I can’t win here! I just want to go back to my room, in my space that I can control and maintain. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I was closer to home so it wasn’t a six hour drive to see mom, but I can’t stand living in the same house with all this dirt, trash, and dogs that my mom insists on keeping. I hate getting her stuff for Christmas because I know she will just keep it for forever and store it somewhere to collect dust. I HATE that! Ugh! I’ve been loving being around Elisa at least. She’s been great, we’ve been getting along so well and having fun, and good conversations. I really like her. But mom, my goodness, she’s seriously lost her mind over these last eight years or so. She’s just…crazy. All this packrat stuff, letting her house go to the dust, not keeping up with mail and papers, buying more junk just because she thinks its pretty and will look good somewhere, I mean, come on! As if the house needed ANYTHING else more getting stuffed in it. It’s too small for the three of us and two dogs (not to mention the three cats that have moved into the garage to make room for my two grandparents coming in soon), there’s no room for a real Christmas tree, we put a small one up on the window seat by the front door. I just, this makes me so sad and depressed to see my mom like this. How did she get like this? Could I have done anything more to keep this from happening? I tried my whole life to help her, to make life easier for her, and I can see that it hasn’t done any good. She still lives in filth and doesn’t care, and isn’t willing to clean up and let go. I just wish I could DO something, but I’m so helpless, and even when I try to help, she gets pissed off at me. No wonder I’m so happy when I’m in college. Seriously. No wonder…
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Lucifer's Angel Lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLuBgWRWaYI
Lucifer's Angel lyrics
Behind those eyes lies the truth and grief
Behind those beautiful smiles I've seen tragedy
The flawless skin hides the secrets within
Silent forces that secretly ignite your sins
[Chorus:]
Fly away, fly away
From the torch of blame
They hunt you
The Lucifer's Angels
Never lived, you never died
Your life has been denied
They call you
The Lucifer's Angel
Beyond these clouds you can hide all your tears
Beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears
And in their hearts they fear your demands
You know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand
[Chorus]
On your own I know you can make it
Truth or bone. I know you can shake it
Survive alone I know you can take it
[Chorus]
Fly away, fly away
Run away, run away
Hide away, hide away
Lucifer's Angel[x3]
Just lyrics to a really beautiful song that I found on YouTube with an awesome Bakura tribute video. I keep listening to it over and over right now because I love it. It moves me, I love moving my body to it, but it also got my mind rolling, and I started writing down this dialogue I thought about having with God, and it's inspiring for a novel that I really want to write now. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyway, I had a good day today. I went to the Bean for lunch and I got REALLY excited because they had unsweetened soymilk!!! Usually they have the sweetened vanilla flavor, but I prefer unsweetened, and they had it today!!! YAY! So I had cheerios (the only cereal in the Bean that I can eat) and soymilk. Yum! ^_^
Lucifer's Angel lyrics
Behind those eyes lies the truth and grief
Behind those beautiful smiles I've seen tragedy
The flawless skin hides the secrets within
Silent forces that secretly ignite your sins
[Chorus:]
Fly away, fly away
From the torch of blame
They hunt you
The Lucifer's Angels
Never lived, you never died
Your life has been denied
They call you
The Lucifer's Angel
Beyond these clouds you can hide all your tears
Beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears
And in their hearts they fear your demands
You know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand
[Chorus]
On your own I know you can make it
Truth or bone. I know you can shake it
Survive alone I know you can take it
[Chorus]
Fly away, fly away
Run away, run away
Hide away, hide away
Lucifer's Angel[x3]
Just lyrics to a really beautiful song that I found on YouTube with an awesome Bakura tribute video. I keep listening to it over and over right now because I love it. It moves me, I love moving my body to it, but it also got my mind rolling, and I started writing down this dialogue I thought about having with God, and it's inspiring for a novel that I really want to write now. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyway, I had a good day today. I went to the Bean for lunch and I got REALLY excited because they had unsweetened soymilk!!! Usually they have the sweetened vanilla flavor, but I prefer unsweetened, and they had it today!!! YAY! So I had cheerios (the only cereal in the Bean that I can eat) and soymilk. Yum! ^_^
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Hanging Out
Tonight was a nice night, beautiful outside and clear and still. I sat outside with Lorie and Sarah on the hood of Sarah's car for a few hours just talking and hanging out. It was nice to just look up and watch the sky get dark and the stars get brighter. It was also nice because Sarah just told me, without any real pre-discussion, "Kaleigh, you're really pretty." And later she said, "You're not just skin-pretty, you're also pretty on the inside." That was encouraging, and Lorie agreed. I think they are both a lot prettier than I am, and I said so, but I guess we all feel that way. Which is so weird, because I really think that Sarah has a beautiful face. I don't understand it when these "gorgeous" girls who look like all the other gorgeous stars out there don't think they're pretty. I feel like I'm "justified" when I say I'm not pretty because I don't look like any of the stars who are considered pretty, but a lot of these other girls, they could be on TV with just their faces alone, but they still will say, "I'm not pretty" or "I hate how I look". And I just think, "You don't have any right to say that, you really ARE pretty, you look just like the people who everyone thinks is pretty, how can you say you're not pretty?!" I, on the other hand, could never be on TV for my face, so I feel like it's fiiting for me to not feel pretty. And it also makes me sort of mad because I feel like these other girls don't appreciate the beauty that they have, and it goes to waste on them, whereas someone like me who knows what it's like to really not be pretty would love to be able to have a face like theirs. I would be so happy to have these girls' faces because then I would feel pretty, and it's weird to think that I would feel pretty with their face but they have it now and don't feel pretty. How can one person feel pretty with the same face that another person feels ugly with? It's the same face! It's weird. But anyway, yeah, I appreciated Sarah saying that to me. I've still sworn off mirrors, until further notice, but that's helped me feel better about myself. The less I know about the details of my appearance, the less I can scrutinize and criticize and despise. I don't know how I look, so I just act how I feel inside, not how I feel about the outside.
Oh yeah, Sunday night I finally talked to these three girls on the second floor that I see all the time but have never actually met officially: Farren, Amber, and Erin. They are so nice, the first two are roommates, Erin is by herself I think. But they are so nice, we talked for hours, and unless they were lying, they like me too. They think I'm funny, lol. ^_^ I hope I get to talk to them more often.
We have no classes on Friday, so that's nice, I think. I would really like to get a lot of work done, or sleep. Either one. Or both. Yeah, both would be good. Of course, ideally I would ALSO love for dad to be able to come visit this weekend. A lot of people are leaving for the "Fall Break" (aka, Three Day Weekend) but I'm not going to bother. And I'm not planning on going home for Thanksgiving either. I don't like the holiday, and it's only five days long anyway. And besides, the semester ends two weeks after that, so what's the point?
Ok, well that's as much as I can report right now. I have a test tomorrow in Biology at 8AM and then a six minute informative speech to give at 1:30 for COMS. Fun. -_- At least my outline is correct, which is worth 30 points, and I got 10 points for going to the speech center beforehand. So I have at least a 40, lol. But I think it will be all right.
Love, Peace, and Sweet Dreams!
Oh yeah, Sunday night I finally talked to these three girls on the second floor that I see all the time but have never actually met officially: Farren, Amber, and Erin. They are so nice, the first two are roommates, Erin is by herself I think. But they are so nice, we talked for hours, and unless they were lying, they like me too. They think I'm funny, lol. ^_^ I hope I get to talk to them more often.
We have no classes on Friday, so that's nice, I think. I would really like to get a lot of work done, or sleep. Either one. Or both. Yeah, both would be good. Of course, ideally I would ALSO love for dad to be able to come visit this weekend. A lot of people are leaving for the "Fall Break" (aka, Three Day Weekend) but I'm not going to bother. And I'm not planning on going home for Thanksgiving either. I don't like the holiday, and it's only five days long anyway. And besides, the semester ends two weeks after that, so what's the point?
Ok, well that's as much as I can report right now. I have a test tomorrow in Biology at 8AM and then a six minute informative speech to give at 1:30 for COMS. Fun. -_- At least my outline is correct, which is worth 30 points, and I got 10 points for going to the speech center beforehand. So I have at least a 40, lol. But I think it will be all right.
Love, Peace, and Sweet Dreams!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
War Thoughts
Tomorrow in Bible class we are going to have a discussion on Christianity and ethics of war. We'll be discussing the different approaches and beliefs, etc. But it got me thinking and I just spent the last half hour or so spilling my own personal thoughts about war. Here they are.
In the ideal world, war would not even be a thought, because all people would love each other as Jesus says is the command from Heaven. Love God, and love your neighbor. If everyone in the world loved each other, war would not exist.
That is the starting point. My view is that I do not believe war is ever justifiable because it does not exist in the world of God (war between humans, I do believe in the war between God and the devil, but on earth we are all humans and cannot really be taking part in that war yet). I don’t think violence is a solution to anything, especially killing. I believe that if America withdrew all troops from war, and if everyone, EVERONE in America were to turn to God in prayer asking for safety and protection from other nations, that He would provide it, as a way to show His glory. However, I also don’t think that this is going to happen, because there are too many people in America who do not believe in God, even scorn God, and many more do not believe that a nation in prayer would be more powerful than a nation with weapons.
In any case, I don’t think war makes a difference anyway. I believe that things occur according to God’s plan no matter what humans decide to do. Whether we go to war or not, God will make his plans come to fruition. If one country needs to be dominated, it will happen if the country goes to war or not.
Going to war does nothing to help spread a message of love. If the point of going to war is to spread the message of God, people will see the actions before they hear such message and will see Christians as hypocrites of a vicious degree if they kill first and then talk of love later.
I think that before killing, one should capture and isolate away from the others in their groups who are encouraging them to be violent. If we go to war as a way to get rid of a group who are terrorizing other people, we should first capture them and isolate them so that they can be approached in a one-on-one manner so that someone can share with them the Gospel. If we kill them before teaching them about Jesus, we are condemning them to hell. I think that that puts their life on our hands. I could never let someone die without knowing that I had tried to lead them to Christ before they met God face to face and had to say that they had never put their faith in Christ. If we give a terrorist the chance to choose Christ rather than killing them, I think that shows a faith in love much more than hunting them down in order to wipe them out violently does. And I think God would approve of that over any war. It shows we follow a life of love, and concern for our neighbor, even individuals, and even individuals who are considered dangerous and hateful. We cannot justify killing a person because we hate them or hate what they are doing, or believe that what they are doing is wrong. If that were the case, we could not love anyone, because we all sin, we all do wrong things. No sin is worse than another, we are all on the same level in the eyes of God, so who are we to judge who is worthy of death before anyone else? Everyone deserves the chance to be shows what they are doing wrong, even terrorists. They need the chance to be confronted with the message of Jesus, given the chance to repent. If we say they deserve to go to hell for all the horror they have done in life, then we should say the same of everyone else, including ourselves. If we as Christians were not given the chance to repent of our own sins and put our faith in Jesus, we would end up in the same place as rapists, murderers, and terrorists who also were not saved. How can people be so hypocritical? War has the intention of killing non-Christians, and so therefore condemns those killed to hell! How is that love? How is that the message of Jesus? Even if you go to war in the name of Jesus, in the name of saving people, you are still killing others, others who deserved the same opportunity to meet Jesus on earth before death.
I believe that God rewards those who go out in His name as peacemakers. He says anyone looking to save his life will lose it, and those who lose their life for Him will save it. I don’t see that to mean that if you go out to war in the name of God you will save your life. I see it as saying that risking your life in the name of peace and love will save their soul, because it showed they cared more for the salvation of others, even those who would be considered pagans or infidels, rather than being safe and alive. These are martyrs, and they are always placed on a pedestal for those of us who are alive to praise for their courage and faith. Christians idolize the peacemakers, those full of faith and love for the Lord, and those who are killed even though they never harmed a soul. We praise them for that! And yet still insist that wars can be just. Is it too hard to believe that if a nation refused to go to war in the name of God and peace that God would not protect them? And even if He doesn’t, then is it too hard to believe that what happens to that nation is in the end to His glory? I’m not saying that subjugation would be fun or easy on a people, but how we act in that time, as true, faithful, loving Christians, would be to God’s glory. Maybe our actions would lead the nation that conquered us to convert. If after declaring peace a nation came and attacked us and confronted us and said, “Anyone who believes in God will be killed”, if every American still said they believed in God, I think that would resonate deeper than a nation who decides to go to war. It is scary to risk your life in war, even though you have weapons and an army with you. It is also scary to think of risking your life in the name of Jesus with no weapons, no protection, only an honest faith and love for God, and the belief that you do right by standing up in the name of God rather than staying silent in order to save your life. If everyone in a nation risked death by standing unprotected in from of someone threatening to kill you and declaring you believe in God even with that threat, I think news of that would spread farther, faster, and deeper into people’s hearts than news that those who go to war in the name of God are winning and killing their enemies faster than the other side. Moving stories of innocents being killed for their faith in defenseless situations are moving and reach the spirit. People who hear about those stories convert because they see that that kind of faith is stronger than faith than anything else in this world. People who convert because of fear of death are not really converts, they do not really understand the message of love that Jesus brings. We are even told in the Bible that God did not make us to have a spirit of fear, so why would Christians want to make converts by spreading fear? That makes no sense.
Of course, I am speaking about things that I don’t think Americans would ever be willing to do. I think Americans have too much pride in their freedom, in their rights, and especially the right to have guns, to give it up in the name of God, to give peace a try, to risk being attacked with no defense except a true faith in God, to sacrifice the comforts they have now for a future that may not be fun or easy or convenient. So while I truly believe these things, I have no expectations that they will ever be put to the test. So then, my actions come down to my personal convictions. I choose to avoid war because I personally do not believe it is ever just or holy. And that is what I will be held accountable for when I meet God after death. I choose to avoid evil rather than choose to go with the lesser of two evils. I am more patriotic to the Kingdom of God than to a nation that thinks war is the only way to defend its people. Innocent people and defenseless people will always be victims in this world, but as a people with the power to attack other nations, we have the choice to attack or to hold back, to restrain ourselves, and show that we choose peace even though we have the power to attack. We choose peace over violence. I think that if other nations saw America being attacked even after a declaration of peace that they would begin to attack that nation. The aggressive nation would be the target for their inhumanity of attacking a peaceful nation. America would be seen as “the good guy” because of their choice of peace, and any innocents who die in an attack by an aggressor, who chose to stay peaceful even in the face of a violent threat, will be rewarded in heaven, and their example will be glorified on earth and spread in the news in order to reach those who are not yet Christians. So even though an innocent lost their life, the message of their life will have long-lasting and far-reaching effects. I think that is the problem with many people, they do not believe that their actions will outlast their life. They feel like if they die, everything about them dies with them, and they will not have any effect. They think that if they are not around to see changes, the changes will not occur. But we all need to start believing that even though we die, how we lived will reach into the future and change people for the better, in the name of God. God can use you, dead or alive, for His purpose. If you believe that, then you will live as much in the image of God as you can and then accept death in His name because you know it is more important to die for Him than to live for the world.
That is how I choose to live. I choose to be “pacifist” because that is how I feel the world should be. Even though I don’t expect the world to follow me or do as I do, I choose not to conform to what others tell me is right. It is my personal conviction, and I can’t make myself do otherwise and still feel good about my life.
I think the idea of going to war as a means of spreading the faith is stupid. To spread the faith we should enter a country peacefully, go to the people and tell them what we know to be truth. Or, go to the country and capture the oppressive government officials, then reach the people peacefully. War causes fear and pain and suffering, hardly things we want to be associated with faith.
And when it comes to saving an innocent person who is being threatened by an oppressor, the most I can see is hurting the oppressor so that they are incapacitated for the moment, and restraining them so that you can speak to them. But I do not believe it is right to kill that person.
In the ideal world, war would not even be a thought, because all people would love each other as Jesus says is the command from Heaven. Love God, and love your neighbor. If everyone in the world loved each other, war would not exist.
That is the starting point. My view is that I do not believe war is ever justifiable because it does not exist in the world of God (war between humans, I do believe in the war between God and the devil, but on earth we are all humans and cannot really be taking part in that war yet). I don’t think violence is a solution to anything, especially killing. I believe that if America withdrew all troops from war, and if everyone, EVERONE in America were to turn to God in prayer asking for safety and protection from other nations, that He would provide it, as a way to show His glory. However, I also don’t think that this is going to happen, because there are too many people in America who do not believe in God, even scorn God, and many more do not believe that a nation in prayer would be more powerful than a nation with weapons.
In any case, I don’t think war makes a difference anyway. I believe that things occur according to God’s plan no matter what humans decide to do. Whether we go to war or not, God will make his plans come to fruition. If one country needs to be dominated, it will happen if the country goes to war or not.
Going to war does nothing to help spread a message of love. If the point of going to war is to spread the message of God, people will see the actions before they hear such message and will see Christians as hypocrites of a vicious degree if they kill first and then talk of love later.
I think that before killing, one should capture and isolate away from the others in their groups who are encouraging them to be violent. If we go to war as a way to get rid of a group who are terrorizing other people, we should first capture them and isolate them so that they can be approached in a one-on-one manner so that someone can share with them the Gospel. If we kill them before teaching them about Jesus, we are condemning them to hell. I think that that puts their life on our hands. I could never let someone die without knowing that I had tried to lead them to Christ before they met God face to face and had to say that they had never put their faith in Christ. If we give a terrorist the chance to choose Christ rather than killing them, I think that shows a faith in love much more than hunting them down in order to wipe them out violently does. And I think God would approve of that over any war. It shows we follow a life of love, and concern for our neighbor, even individuals, and even individuals who are considered dangerous and hateful. We cannot justify killing a person because we hate them or hate what they are doing, or believe that what they are doing is wrong. If that were the case, we could not love anyone, because we all sin, we all do wrong things. No sin is worse than another, we are all on the same level in the eyes of God, so who are we to judge who is worthy of death before anyone else? Everyone deserves the chance to be shows what they are doing wrong, even terrorists. They need the chance to be confronted with the message of Jesus, given the chance to repent. If we say they deserve to go to hell for all the horror they have done in life, then we should say the same of everyone else, including ourselves. If we as Christians were not given the chance to repent of our own sins and put our faith in Jesus, we would end up in the same place as rapists, murderers, and terrorists who also were not saved. How can people be so hypocritical? War has the intention of killing non-Christians, and so therefore condemns those killed to hell! How is that love? How is that the message of Jesus? Even if you go to war in the name of Jesus, in the name of saving people, you are still killing others, others who deserved the same opportunity to meet Jesus on earth before death.
I believe that God rewards those who go out in His name as peacemakers. He says anyone looking to save his life will lose it, and those who lose their life for Him will save it. I don’t see that to mean that if you go out to war in the name of God you will save your life. I see it as saying that risking your life in the name of peace and love will save their soul, because it showed they cared more for the salvation of others, even those who would be considered pagans or infidels, rather than being safe and alive. These are martyrs, and they are always placed on a pedestal for those of us who are alive to praise for their courage and faith. Christians idolize the peacemakers, those full of faith and love for the Lord, and those who are killed even though they never harmed a soul. We praise them for that! And yet still insist that wars can be just. Is it too hard to believe that if a nation refused to go to war in the name of God and peace that God would not protect them? And even if He doesn’t, then is it too hard to believe that what happens to that nation is in the end to His glory? I’m not saying that subjugation would be fun or easy on a people, but how we act in that time, as true, faithful, loving Christians, would be to God’s glory. Maybe our actions would lead the nation that conquered us to convert. If after declaring peace a nation came and attacked us and confronted us and said, “Anyone who believes in God will be killed”, if every American still said they believed in God, I think that would resonate deeper than a nation who decides to go to war. It is scary to risk your life in war, even though you have weapons and an army with you. It is also scary to think of risking your life in the name of Jesus with no weapons, no protection, only an honest faith and love for God, and the belief that you do right by standing up in the name of God rather than staying silent in order to save your life. If everyone in a nation risked death by standing unprotected in from of someone threatening to kill you and declaring you believe in God even with that threat, I think news of that would spread farther, faster, and deeper into people’s hearts than news that those who go to war in the name of God are winning and killing their enemies faster than the other side. Moving stories of innocents being killed for their faith in defenseless situations are moving and reach the spirit. People who hear about those stories convert because they see that that kind of faith is stronger than faith than anything else in this world. People who convert because of fear of death are not really converts, they do not really understand the message of love that Jesus brings. We are even told in the Bible that God did not make us to have a spirit of fear, so why would Christians want to make converts by spreading fear? That makes no sense.
Of course, I am speaking about things that I don’t think Americans would ever be willing to do. I think Americans have too much pride in their freedom, in their rights, and especially the right to have guns, to give it up in the name of God, to give peace a try, to risk being attacked with no defense except a true faith in God, to sacrifice the comforts they have now for a future that may not be fun or easy or convenient. So while I truly believe these things, I have no expectations that they will ever be put to the test. So then, my actions come down to my personal convictions. I choose to avoid war because I personally do not believe it is ever just or holy. And that is what I will be held accountable for when I meet God after death. I choose to avoid evil rather than choose to go with the lesser of two evils. I am more patriotic to the Kingdom of God than to a nation that thinks war is the only way to defend its people. Innocent people and defenseless people will always be victims in this world, but as a people with the power to attack other nations, we have the choice to attack or to hold back, to restrain ourselves, and show that we choose peace even though we have the power to attack. We choose peace over violence. I think that if other nations saw America being attacked even after a declaration of peace that they would begin to attack that nation. The aggressive nation would be the target for their inhumanity of attacking a peaceful nation. America would be seen as “the good guy” because of their choice of peace, and any innocents who die in an attack by an aggressor, who chose to stay peaceful even in the face of a violent threat, will be rewarded in heaven, and their example will be glorified on earth and spread in the news in order to reach those who are not yet Christians. So even though an innocent lost their life, the message of their life will have long-lasting and far-reaching effects. I think that is the problem with many people, they do not believe that their actions will outlast their life. They feel like if they die, everything about them dies with them, and they will not have any effect. They think that if they are not around to see changes, the changes will not occur. But we all need to start believing that even though we die, how we lived will reach into the future and change people for the better, in the name of God. God can use you, dead or alive, for His purpose. If you believe that, then you will live as much in the image of God as you can and then accept death in His name because you know it is more important to die for Him than to live for the world.
That is how I choose to live. I choose to be “pacifist” because that is how I feel the world should be. Even though I don’t expect the world to follow me or do as I do, I choose not to conform to what others tell me is right. It is my personal conviction, and I can’t make myself do otherwise and still feel good about my life.
I think the idea of going to war as a means of spreading the faith is stupid. To spread the faith we should enter a country peacefully, go to the people and tell them what we know to be truth. Or, go to the country and capture the oppressive government officials, then reach the people peacefully. War causes fear and pain and suffering, hardly things we want to be associated with faith.
And when it comes to saving an innocent person who is being threatened by an oppressor, the most I can see is hurting the oppressor so that they are incapacitated for the moment, and restraining them so that you can speak to them. But I do not believe it is right to kill that person.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Mirror
I forgot to mention that I also just finished covering the mirror in my dorm. I took a lot of paper and taped it over, and then wrote some messages on it for me to see instead. I hate the feeling like my reflection is going to make me depressed, so if I just get rid of it, I don't have to think about it. I can just focus on how I feel, and the truth, which is that God loves me, no matter what, whether or not the world, or even I, thinks I am beautiful.
The Perfect Moment
I just had the perfect moment. I walked out into the lobby and Chanine was there with her parents, and as I walked past Chanine asked, "Hey Kaleigh, for fast food, have any suggestions?"
Immediately my response was, "Don't eat it."
LoL!! It was awesome, it just came right out, I didn't even think about it.
She and her parents all cracked up and Chanine said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot who I was asking."
Her mom and dad were saying, "That's a great response."
So yeah, that made me happy.
I love being different. :P
I really want to be as raw-vegan as I can, but not exclusively, there are some foods that aren't raw that I don't want to give up. But I still cling to my anti-sugar, anti-junk food, anti-overprocessed foods lifestyle. I can't imagine myself ever eating animal foods again, or sugar. Just... ew. lol.
Immediately my response was, "Don't eat it."
LoL!! It was awesome, it just came right out, I didn't even think about it.
She and her parents all cracked up and Chanine said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot who I was asking."
Her mom and dad were saying, "That's a great response."
So yeah, that made me happy.
I love being different. :P
I really want to be as raw-vegan as I can, but not exclusively, there are some foods that aren't raw that I don't want to give up. But I still cling to my anti-sugar, anti-junk food, anti-overprocessed foods lifestyle. I can't imagine myself ever eating animal foods again, or sugar. Just... ew. lol.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The Not-So Christian Environment
I don't know what to think. I'm laying here in the middle of the lobby of my dorm hall and there are four girls sitting in a circle in front of me eating pizza, talking about how three girls in our hall got laid this weekend. Two of them are in the circle, one of them is on her way back I guess. But I mean, I'm laying here, and they're all just talking like it's the greatest thing in the world. The one girl is like, "I'm sore but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world." It's sick! And we're in a Christian college, I can't wrap my head around it. And just now the one girl said that she was a virgin when she got here. Her first time was September 6th. "I'm really new at this," she says. The other girl snorted, because she's obviously not. I mean, I just... I guess I still sort of imagine this world where a Christian college means that people live a life according to Christ, or at least try to, and I know that going out looking for sex on the weekends is not Christ like. It makes me sad, because I want to say something, but it wouldn't be anything that they haven't already heard. I'm just sad, really really sad.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Card Trick
This is an amusing story about my class this morning. I woke up at 7:45 for my 8:oo biology class that normally ends at 9:20. Well we were dutifully learning about epithelial tissues until 8:50 he said let's have a break. Five minutes later he comes back into the room with a deck of cards and tells us he's been practicing a card trick. If he can guess the card that someone draws, we'll continue class, and if he guesses wrong we'll get out early. So one guy picks out and shows everyone the queen of hearts, then puts it back in the deck and shuffles, per Dr. Pirtle's instructions. Then Dr. Pirtle starts laying down a row of cards, which includes the queen of hearts, and he sweeps the row aside and says, "It's not in there," and starts laying down another row of cards. At that point, some of the guys in front of me started putting their notes in their backpacks. He kept laying down rows until he was out of cards, and when he had laid down the last one, he kind of paused, then said, "I think I did it wrong," and started laughing. "Well I guess I better keep my word."
So we got out of class 20 minutes early, lol.
So we got out of class 20 minutes early, lol.
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