Sunday Before Classes

Ok, it's the Sunday before my first day of college classes. At this moment I have a few thoughts I want to get out:
I am sick of not knowing why I want to be thin. It doesn't matter how much I think about it, I can't find any reason for me to try to stay thin. Who am I trying to impress? I am making a commitment right now to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have no interest in ever getting involved romantically with anyone. I never want to date, or get married, or have sex, or have kids, so why should I care so much about trying to feel pretty or attractive? If I just eat the way I want, I'll be the way God meant for me to be, and I want to commit to being at peace with that rather than struggling constantly to be something that isn't natural. It isn't natural to want to be so thin, it doesn't glorify God, and it separates me from God because it keeps me focused on that rather than His divine will for my life. So I'm really hoping right now that I can make a true commitment to just doing what I want without worrying about whether it makes me gain weight or not, especially since I'm committing to a life on my own I don't have to worry about staying attractive for a partner. And besides, I shouldn't want to be pretty by the world's standards or definitions anyway, they are ridiculous and artificial, so why should I care? If things I do make me hate myself as a person, if the things on my mind and the actions that follow make me self-absorbed rather than concerned for lost and dying souls, then my mind and heart are not in the right place and I need to change.
But the thing is I'm worried that if I change and heal from this disorder then I won't have something to work for anymore. If I stay disordered, then I have the goal of getting better. If I get better, what next? I don't know, and that scares me. I'm so used to having people worry about me because I'm sick or too thin that if I lose that, I'll feel like I'm not worth caring about anymore. If I'm all ok, then why would anyone need to worry about me or think about me? That's how I feel. It's stupid, but I'm so used to feeling like people are constantly thinking of me because I'm not all right, and I guess I'm clinging to that as well as the misguided desire to be pretty by fashion standards.
But at this moment I feel like I want to just do my own thing, eat how I want, and not care. I thought I might feel differently about romantic relationships when I got to college, but I don't. I still have no desire to get involved that way, so I figure I shouldn't bother trying to be "pretty" anymore. Who else cares anyway? Who does it impress? No one I know, so it gains nothing. I want to be more concerned with helping others, volunteering, sharing the Gospel, finding a satisfying career, and finding God's purpose for me, and I know that anorexia is not part of any divine plan. I need to get over it. Seriously. I'm not planning on changing what I eat because I like the foods I eat, I'm just hoping to choose to eat healthier amounts from now on. So we'll see how well I do.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind right now. I visited my first church here earlier today, University Baptist Church, and I liked it. It felt more familiar and like home, and so I think I'll stick with it. Then after church I went to Walmart with two other girls. They stocked up on junk food. I got a 5lb bag or whole wheat flour, a big tub of oatmeal, a can of salsa, and a bottle of calcium tablets. I ate as much of it as I wanted and didn't feel guilty. I still don't. I hope I continue to feel that way. I'm getting ready to go down to the cafeteria (called The World Famous Bean) which has a fanatastic salad bar, and starting tomorrow is going to have a vegetarian/vegan station for people like me, almost specifically for me. I've been talking a lot with one of the Bean managers and he looks out for me now to keep me updates on all the new and exciting editions he's going to put into the vegan section. He's so excited that I'm here, he's calling me the voice or the representative for all the vegetarians and vegans at ACU that haven't really proclaimed it yet. ^_^ And I want to be able to enjoy all the options available to me, and I can't do that if I'm constantly worrying about eating too much or gaining weight. If I do, I will severely limit myself on the foods I eat, even if I'd really like them. Today when I got back to my dorm from Walmart, I was craving the oatmeal and flour, and that was when I decided I'd rather eat what I'm craving than deprive myself in an effort to stay thin. And right now I'm thinking I want to do that from now on: be able to go to the Bean and take anything I'm craving and eat it without any care about weight. If I want it, I want to eat it. I'm paying for it in my meal plan anyway!!! It's an all-you-care-to-eat meal plan, so once I enter the cafeteria I am free to eat all I can until I walk out, and since I'm paying for it, why waste the money by not eating all I want? That just wouldn't be economical. And I am a BIG economical person, I bargain hunt like no other. I almost never buy anything unless it's on sale or on clearance.
Ok, well I guess I'll go down there now, I have an hour and 15 minutes before the Bean closes at 7, and that's when a friend is going to host the first official "second floor movie night" in her dorm. I think that'll be fun.
Peace, love, and happy eating to all. Chao!

"3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:3-5