Goal Oriented

Ok, one thing I don't think I've explained before is this:
I want to stay too thin because the goal is to reach a certain weight, but I'm afraid of reaching that goal because I don't know what I would have to do after that. What would my new goal be? What would I have to strive for or work for? If I reach the goal weight, then my new goal would be to lose the weight again just so I could have the goal of gaining again. So right now I'm in a state of wanting to stay thin so that I will always have the goal of reaching the healthy weight. I don't want to go over that weight. I don't want to lose the goal of reaching a healthy weight because then it feels like I won't have a goal anymore. I know the thing to do is find a new better goal to strive for, so I am hoping that college will give me a purpose, a goal, a flow to go with, something to want in life other than obsession with image and weight. I talked to Joann on the phone today about all this stuff and it really felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. I explained to her this goal thing. I don't want to reach the goal because I don't know what I will want when I do. If I lose a goal, what do I have left? I don't want to get better, because what am I if I am not working for something? I want to stay in a constant state of being super thin and needing to gain weight. I want that to be who I am. Sad. Very very sad.