Choice Makes Misery

You know, I guess I just keep hoping that some day I will look in the mirror and actually like what I see, or actually, that I will be back to the way I was when I DID like what I saw, back when I was thin, or that I will actually believe what I want to believe: that I don’t want to care what I look like at all. I wish that I never had to know what I looked like. That’s one of the hardest things about this whole thing: I wish I could just be fat and get it over with, I want to be, but the fact that I COULD be thin, that I HAVE been thin, that I know if I was allowed to be and had the will I could be thin, kills me. I wouldn’t mind being big if I knew I couldn’t help it, if I knew there was nothing I could do to be different. But I know that I am capable of being thin and that knowledge is constantly getting in the way of me just letting go. I know I have the power to be thin, but I wish I didn’t. If I was one of those people who was big no matter what they did or how hard they tried, I could embrace it and enjoy life despite of it. But I can’t because I know that if I so choose, I can be thin, so it’s hard to embrace being different because I feel like I could only embrace that if I was helpless or hopeless, if I didn’t have a choice. If how I was forced me to be that way then I would be that way and accept it, but I’m not that way, I can be thin, I can choose to be big or small, and that makes it difficult to make the choice for myself. I liked how I was when I was thin, I felt beautiful, and I was comfortable in my body, I didn’t take up any space and all of my clothes were really baggy and loose. I felt like nothing, I wasn’t in anyone’s way, I was small, and I felt like a girl for the first time. I wasn’t trying to be beautiful for anyone, I just wanted to be that way for myself, and now it has been taken away from me, but it was forced on me by other people, and so I know that the power is still in me to be thin again if I choose to be. But I don’t want that, I wish I was just fat and that was how I would always be no matter what, that way I wouldn’t have to struggle or try to be thin, I could just know that that’s how I am and accept it, then I could eat whatever or however I wanted and not worry about gaining weight or being big since I would already be big. But with me right now, I know it’s my choice what size I am, and that frustrates me, because I want to be thin, but I also DON’T want to be, and those two sides are constantly fighting in my head, and I get so crazy sometimes because I don’t know who I am or what I want or what I think. Right now I’m at a point where I’m not thin and not big, and I hate it. I don’t like being average, I want to be an extreme. I want my clothes to be baggy again, I was more comfortable that way. And I liked how I looked when I was thin, I actually felt GOOD about my appearance, I was confident. I know that was stupid and misguided, but it was the first time I ever felt GOOD about myself, and I wish I had it back. I don’t feel pretty anymore, and I don’t know why that matters since I never care about what other people think and I’m not trying to attract anyone or make someone fall in love with me or be someone’s fantasy or anything. I guess it just felt good to think that if I saw myself on the street I would want to look like me. I feel like I was only pretty when I was thin. Any other way I don’t feel like a girl, I don’t feel pretty. I feel like I have nothing to offer. Not that I had much to offer when I was thin either, but now I don’t even feel confident in myself, so I feel like less of a person when I can’t even love myself the way I want to. I keep trying to convince myself that I can be happy in any size, but it’s so hard to believe it when I have only been happy when I was thin, and it kills me to know that I could be that way again if I tried, because then I will always have that voice in my head that will tell me to be that way again, and I don’t want to be, I don’t think I do… I wish I could be thin without being the miserable person I was. I was absolutely miserable, I hated my personality, but I felt good about how I looked, and that was some kind of balance. Now I feel miserable AND hate how I look, so now I am just super miserable. I wish I could disappear in a hole and forget the world outside exists, forget all about looks and weight and that junk. It doesn’t matter anyway, but it’s so hard to choose for myself something different. I admire pretty much every other girl besides me because they all look like girls, no matter what size they are. It seems like every girl except me can be pretty at any size except me. It’s so hard for me to accept myself if I’m not thin. And I don’t know why. I can’t find any explanation for it. All I know is that I feel so frustrated inside because I want to feel confident, I want to feel pretty, I want to like myself and how I look; I want to be thin; at the same time I don’t want to be thin and be proud of being thin; at the same time I want to be helplessly fat so I can enjoy eating without feeling guilty; at the same time I wish I had a unique condition where I could eat all I wanted and never gain an ounce. I’m so crazy, miserably helpless. I want school to start because I don’t feel this way when I have projects to work on. It’s only when I have free time that all this stuff goes on in my head. If I have something else to focus on, it all goes away. Why won’t summer end????