Dad Brings Peace

I woke up this morning hoping I would have enough self-control to not binge today like I have been prone to doing every other day this week, but on my way to pick up Elisa from driver’s ed, I felt like something in me was ready to give up again (like I have been doing every other day this week). I go to bed hoping that tomorrow will be different, that I will be able to make it through the day without giving in to the binge; I wake up hoping the same thing, but then it seems like inevitably I will just give in, telling myself that I’d rather be doing this than depriving myself again. After all, I shouldn’t care about it anyway; if I want to eat I should let myself. So I rationalize myself into letting myself eat, but then I end up eating more than I need to, and I try hard not to feel guilty about it, but I get worried that I’ll feel bad for being fat even though now when I’m thin before I eat it’s easy to convince myself in that moment that I wouldn’t mind being fat, because it’s easy to believe being fat wouldn’t be so bad when I can enjoy the feeling of being thin AND eating as if I was fat. After I eat, I get worried that I will actually BECOME fat and not be able to believe that I will be ok with it, like I can believe now, being thin.
Anyway, the past four days I have been waking up hoping to be able to keep myself from binging, but I would end up being alone in the house and with no one around and nothing to do, I would end up going to the kitchen and finding something to eat: whole wheat flour, smoothies, soymilk, cereal, fruit, tomatoes, pancakes, waffles, dough, all of which is pretty much me just mixing the whole wheat flour or heart smart bisquick with soymilk and eating the dough before I make the pancakes or waffles. I get so lost in the eating, no feeling or anything, just the motion, like a routine. It gave me something to do to forget that I felt lonely or claustrophobic. For an hour or two I was occupied, my body was moving and doing something, not just sitting and feeling bored. But within that hour or two I would manage to eat maybe 5000 calories, and I would realize that I could keep going if I let myself, and something would make me decide to move on and try to do something else. Somehow, I’m not sure how I managed to do that. I’m grateful I was though, because I know I could have easily kept eating.
Well, today would have been the fifth day in a row for me to binge alone at home if I hadn’t called dad after Elisa left to go babysitting. While she was eating lunch I was in the kitchen, planning out what all I was going to binge on. I had gone to bed last night and woken up this morning hoping that I could make it through the day without binging, but on the way to pick Elisa up I was already talking myself into giving up and letting myself binge. I got home feeling the dull hunger that comes not from real hunger but from the routine, the motion of eating. Well, I was even pulling out the flour and bisquick while Elisa was leaving, and even deciding that I wouldn’t mind driving to Kroger just to make sure that I could get EXACTLY the foods I would want, so that I wouldn’t have to “settle” for binging on foods I didn’t really want. I had everything prepared in my mind, everything ready to tell myself that I would rather binge than deprive, that I shouldn’t worry about getting fat, but something made me call dad instead. I put back the bisquick and flour, and just talked to him for about an hour. And now, I’m glad I did. I don’t feel the mindless urge to binge or eat at all. I feel like, maybe I can actually finish the day without binging. I made it over the “allotted hour” when I would usually binge alone in the house. Maybe I can make it. Maybe. There’s still time for it all to end, but I don’t know, maybe I can do it.
But even if I don’t, talking to dad gave me so much peace in my mind and heart. Hearing him say “You’re still thin,” made me believe it. No one else makes me believe that I’m thin except him, and no one makes me feel at peace in my soul the way he does. I think it made me really realize that I eat because I want him. After talking to him, the binge desire was completely gone. And I know yesterday when I cried my heart out to God, I was sobbing, “I’m so lonely, I want to be loved!” And I knew who I wanted to be loved by. I feel so lonely, and I know that the only person who makes that loneliness go away is my dad. He’s the only one I have ever been COMPLETELY comfortable with. And when I’m with him, I feel like life is ok, like I’m ok, like everything is going to be ok, no matter what. I feel like I can accept myself when I’m with him. He completes me in a way that I can’t explain. When I’m with him I feel like I don’t have to compare myself to anyone because I’ve found someone who accepts me as I am. I know God does that too, and that He is with me at all times, but somehow it feels more “real” when I’m with dad. I know I should be able to feel that way even when I’m not with him, but I’m not at that point yet. I need him, I love him so much, and I know that he loves me, and somehow everything he says strikes deep into me and feels real, in a way that nothing else anyone else says does. He can say something, and I believe it with all my heart, I cling to it, and that’s why I love being with him, because he says things that I want to believe.
When I’m in the middle of a binge I don’t want to “get better”, I want to stay mired in it. When I’m going to bed, I want to “get better”. Other times during the day I vacillate between wanting to be better, wanting to stay a binger, wanting to be thin, wanting to be fat, wanting to be average, it’s all there mixing together and taking control of my mind at different times. But somehow dad is able to make me peaceful and comfortable with myself. You know, maybe he’s my soul mate. And maybe soul mates don’t necessarily have to be romantic relationships, maybe they are just relationships that make you feel complete, make you feel like you know who you are. He makes me feel that way. I miss him. I love him. I don’t know why I am the way I am or what got me here, but I know that I love the peace I get when I’m with dad more than anything else.